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Happy Hour: Practicing Loving-Kindness Where It's Easiest - Nikki Mirghafori

The following talk was given by Nikki Mirghafori at Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA on November 21, 2024. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.

Happy Hour: Practicing Loving-Kindness Where It's Easiest

Hello everyone, and welcome to this edition of Happy Hour. For today's practice, I want to invite us to embrace practicing Metta¹, or compassion, where it is easiest. For some, it is easiest to start with someone we care about; it is simpler there. Then, we can turn it toward ourselves.

One reason for starting where it is easiest is that with Metta, you don't want to fight against yourself. You want to find a way that is easy, wholesome, and nourishing, so your whole heart, body, and mind can be suffused with it. Sometimes, when we start practicing with ourselves, there might be some edges. There might be some nooks and crannies that say, "Nope, not quite. I'm not ready to love all those parts yet."

That is okay. We take it gently. We warm up the Metta through someone else who is really easy to have Metta for. After it has been warmed up, we turn it towards ourselves.

One reason I am bringing this in right now—especially with everything going on in our world politically and otherwise—is the importance of taking refuge where it is easy and nourishing for your own heart. No matter which side you are on or what you are thinking, we are all tired. There is just so much going on. Going back to the basics—nourishing the heart through care, love, and common humanity—feels right.

That is the invitation for today's practice. You are welcome to sit, or if you want to lie down, you can do that too, as long as you are not going to fall asleep.

Guided Meditation

Let's begin. Arriving in our bodies. Arriving in this moment. Embracing this moment fully, however this body is showing up right now. Inviting the body to relax and settle. Feel our feet on the earth. Sense our sit bones on the chair or cushion, and our hands touching one another.

Invite ourselves to spend some time with the length and entirety of the in-breath, and the entirety of the out-breath. Letting go, softening, and arriving with each breath.

If the mind is wandering here and there, still engaged with what was happening before this sit, notice the stories and thoughts with a smile. Invite your dear heart and dear mind to put it down. "Thank you, not now. We'll come back to this. You'll still be here, dear mind. Let's put it all down and give our heart to this practice." Settling more deeply, letting go, and relaxing more of the body with each out-breath.

Now, I would like to invite each of us to bring into our heart-space someone for whom our care and Metta flows with ease. There is no complication in the relationship. Babies are really good for this category. Children, grandchildren, pets. If your children are now adults, think of when they were babies. Young friends and loved ones are good, as long as there is no complication in the relationship. You can borrow nieces or nephews when they were young.

Bring this being to your heart's mind and heart-space. If you are going through the Rolodex of your mind to find the perfect being, it is okay to just settle on one. It might be a baby, child, or pet you don't know personally, but the being simply conjures up joy, happiness, Metta, and warmth.

Bring this being to your heart's mind. If you are visual, see them. If auditory, hear them. Feel them. Use as many senses as you can to bring a felt sense of this being. If it is a baby, perhaps recall how soft and cuddly they are, or how they smell. If it is a pet, recall how it feels to stroke them, hold them, or play with them. Spend some time connecting—really connecting—with the felt sense.

As you connect with the felt sense using as many senses as are available, bring attention to what comes up in your heart-space, your mind, and your body as you feel into this beingness. For me, I notice a smile comes up. I sense a warmth in my heart center connecting with how sweet and cute my friend's baby is. Wishing her happiness just naturally flows out. I want this baby to be happy, to keep giggling, and to be a source of joy.

See if it naturally comes up for you. This is Metta; it is not so complicated. It might be very gentle, and that is okay. It might be big, and that is fine. There may not be so much sensed, but perhaps just the feeling that you are planting seeds—that is great too. Hang in there. It doesn't have to feel a particular way. Keep connecting with the beingness as multi-dimensionally as possible—your body, your memory, your felt sense—conjuring them up as if they are right here.

That is the first aspect. The second, which naturally arises from connecting with them, consists of the sensations in the heart center—perhaps goodwill or Metta.

If you like, you can add phrases as the third support, the third wheel: May you be safe, dear one. May you be happy, dear one. May you be healthy, dear one. May your life flow with ease, dear one.

Use your own words, simplifying if that feels better—something that connects with your wish. "I wish you happiness and health. I wish you joy. I wish you ease." You can add their name: "Dear so-and-so, sweet so-and-so." Whatever feels right for you. Keep connecting and resting, inviting this nourishment, this cultivation of the heart.

If at any point it gets weak, then reconnect. Keep reconnecting with their beingness as multi-dimensionally as possible.

Remember that this practice is not about attachment to the outcome—ensuring that this being is definitely happy and safe. It is about the cultivation of our heart in wishing well, in sharing kindness, caring, and loving. That is all it is. Keep planting seeds and sharing goodness without attachment to the outcome.

As we turn to end this practice period together, in your heart, thank this being who has supported your practice today. This child, this pet, this individual—appreciate them for their beingness, for just being in the world.

Also, appreciate yourself for having practiced without judgment. No matter how it went, you planted seeds. You showed up, and that is all that matters. Even if there was only one mind-moment of kindness or goodwill, that is infinitely more than none.

With appreciation for yourself and the community, let us dedicate the co-created goodness of this practice to all beings. May my practice, may our practice, be a cause and condition for more goodness in the world—more kindness, more care, more love, more stability, and more happiness. May all beings be happy. May all beings be free, including myself.

Recap of the Practice

Tonight was simple and sweet. Back to basics: where it is easy, where it is simple. It can be quite nourishing, connecting, and happy-making.

Basically, with this practice, you conjure up a being for whom care or goodwill flows with ease—where there is no complication. Really try to connect with their "beingness" or "suchness." How do they sound? How do they feel? How do they look? How cuddly are they? Connect with this felt sense.

As you connect with it, notice what comes up in your heart and mind.

1. The Being: Their beingness is the first leg of the stool.
2. The Feeling: What arises from connecting with them is the feeling in our hearts—tenderness, kindness, warmth, a smile.
3. The Phrases: From that feeling, we allow phrases of goodwill and kindness to flow to keep all three going.

Reflections and Q&A

Isabel: One thing that is really starting to come into my life with doing Happy Hour regularly, and tonight especially, is the reminder to come back. Coming back to the pet that I was thinking of became kind of like a mantra. Like coming back to the breath, it was coming back to that space of love for something that was not difficult to love and care for. I am really committed and grateful to be having this new chapter in my life with this group. I find myself attending pretty regularly now, so there is something happening for me.

Nikki: That is lovely, Isabelle. I am hearing that you are noticing a shift is happening, which is why you are showing up. Also, what you noted about "coming back" is similar to how we keep going back to the breath as the anchor in Vipassana². Here, going back to the being is the anchor. That being brings up the Metta, and the phrases flow out of that. Having that anchor makes things click for you, which is just lovely.

Amy: Tonight I was actually having difficulty. I was noticing inner critic thoughts saying, "Well, do you actually feel compassionate to them? You're not actually that loving. You're going to find a problem with everybody and everything no matter what." Every time I cut it, I thought, "Let me try something a little more simple." But everything felt sticky. So, I just gave myself some compassion. I thought, "Okay, right now the brain is doing this. It's like this." Then I moved to the breath a little bit just to have something else as a focus.

Nikki: Nice. Thanks for sharing, Amy. I really appreciate the wisdom of recognizing, "I'm the one who is hurting right now." The mind is feeling a little critical right now. "Okay, dear mind. All right, sweetheart. It's okay." Instead of beating oneself up, there is the realization and acceptance of what is happening, and then the appropriate response, which is compassion for yourself. Perfect.

Another option I want to suggest—though it might not have worked tonight—is that sometimes when the mind is very critical of people we know, you can go to something neutral. For example, a video of a kitty on the web. It is almost a neutral person because it is so removed. It is just a cute kitty; how can you find fault with a kitty? You can wish well for that unknown kitty in that cat video.

Amy: Yeah, that feels like... just picturing it now brings a smile to my face. I feel like there's a flow of something different just picturing a bunch of little baby animals.

Nikki: Exactly. A bunch of little chicks. When I was growing up, I used to have chicks. Just seeing an image of a chick makes my heart happy.

Jerry: First of all, thanks for the direction at the beginning. I was thinking that it does help the practice to pick an "easy" person, someone you don't have a sense of strain with. The effect of it is quite powerful because it gives me a sense of purpose, a sense of belonging, and a sense of security—fundamental issues in terms of psychological wellness. You feel this shift in your body and think, "This is where I want to be." I get tired, I get lonely, I get angry, but the downstream effect is quite anchoring.

Nikki: Well put, Jerry. Knowing you have expertise in this area, you are talking about the psychological resourcing that this kind of practice can allow. It expands to bring more physical stability and regulation to the heart and mind. It seems straightforward—we all can conjure up some being that is cute and lovable—but then, guess what? I feel better. I don't feel as anxious, angry, or exhausted as I did thirty minutes ago. My heart feels more open to myself and others. That is the wild, amazing thing that happens with these precious practices.

Claire: I'm having a lot of video problems tonight, but I just wanted to add that several people in our group talked along exactly the same lines you were just speaking about—of animals and pets and the nurturing that they provide us.

Nikki: Indeed. Very important. It is unconditional love and very nourishing. Thanks for highlighting that.

Peggy: Initially, I had a little bit of lamenting that I had trouble finding someone that I had unconditional love for. But I did manage. What is interesting is that I was a little sad about that starting off, but now it is like that love is in my heart without needing an object. Just that feeling. It is really nice.

Nikki: That is lovely, Peggy. I so appreciate the progression that you shared and, most importantly, that you stuck with it. Maybe that feeling comes up—"I can't find anyone, going through the Rolodex"—but you hung in there and kept practicing as best as you were able. Then you realized, "Actually, wait, there is a lot of love in my heart. It's already here." Hanging in there with the practice allowed this burgeoning shift. This is so heartwarming.

I will share my practice report too. As I mentioned earlier, the person who came up was a baby of a friend of mine. She just turned one. I was happily conjuring up her recent photo, just cuddly and cute. "May she be happy, may she be well." I noticed a big smile showing up on my face and felt really happy offering goodwill to this kid. I am much happier than I was before this session.

Thank you all for your practice, and for cultivating goodness, care, Metta, love, and kindness. May all beings be happy. May all beings be free, including ourselves.