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Peace and Resistance - Diana Clark

The following talk was given by Diana Clark at Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA on November 05, 2024. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.

Peace and Resistance

I wanted to talk a little bit about an encounter that the Buddha describes from before he was awakened, when he was just an ordinary person like us. He encountered some people quarreling—just in case you see anything in the news about quarreling or something similar.

The scene is a dispute between the Sakyan¹ people and the Koliyan² people. They had irrigation channels from the river that formed the boundary between their two regions. One year there was very little rain, so they were quarreling about what to do. "We want all the water." "No, we want the water." This is maybe not so unfamiliar. Apparently, they were insulting each other, and it got so bad that the different armies were on the two sides of the river, about ready to go to war.

The person who was to become the Buddha—he was not the Buddha yet—showed up and wanted to talk to them. He describes the impact that this situation had on him. I am going to share a short excerpt; it is a passage in verse:

"Just look at people and their quarrels. I will speak of my dismay and the way that I was shaken. Seeing people thrashing about like fish in little water, seeing them in conflict with each other, I became afraid. I felt discontent at seeing only conflict to the very end. Then I saw an arrow here, hard to see, embedded in the heart. Pierced by this arrow, people dash about in all directions. But when the arrow is pulled out, they don't run and they don't sink."³

I have shared this verse a few times; I just love this teaching. There is a richness here, and lots of themes that I could pull out, but I am going to focus on one particular theme.

The Bodhisatta⁴ says, "I felt discontent at seeing only conflict to the very end." This idea of, "Wow, I don't see how this is going to end. It seems like there is just always going to be conflict. There is no way forward." Then he continues, "Then I saw an arrow here, hard to see, embedded in the heart."

He is looking at them, seeing nothing but quarreling, and then looks back at himself and sees that he has this arrow in his heart. "Pierced by this arrow, people dash about in all directions." Whereas before he was thinking, "Okay, you guys have to get it together and figure it out," or "Maybe I can help you," suddenly the emphasis shifts. When he saw this arrow, he recognized that people with this arrow in their hearts dash—or thrash—about in all directions. They are throwing blame, throwing judgment, throwing insults, and all kinds of things that happen with this arrow in the heart.

What is this arrow in the heart? We might say it is the myriad ways in which we say "no." No to this moment, no to this experience I am having, no to anything and everything. It is the countless small ways in which we are cultivating this discontent, in which we are resisting what is already here in our experience.

I am not talking about conceptual, big things happening "out there" or experiences that aren't immediate. I am only talking about this moment. This moment in which we are saying "no." This is a theme I have been talking about lately, perhaps due to the climate these days, but also noticing in myself the way that I am often saying no to things. "No, I don't want it to be this way." I am seeing the impact that it has on me.

Resistance—this way of saying "no, make it go away, it should be different"—shows up in so many different ways. It is a natural response to discomfort. Our ancestors had this discomfort, often in response to a threat, and so they had to pay attention or behave in a particular way. But this response to discomfort is conditioned; it is something that we learned. If we didn't respond, we had a lot of discomfort or pain, so we tried to create a way to avoid it. Or perhaps we saw in our communities and families that certain discomforts were tolerable—like exercising or restricting what we eat—but emotional discomforts were not to be talked about.

We learn it. It is conditioned. It is a natural thing. All of us have it; I certainly have it. When we encounter something unpleasant—whether it is a difficult emotion, a challenging situation, or just a minor inconvenience which gives rise to irritation or impatience—there is a natural human tendency to push it away, to avoid it, or to try to control it.

Forms of Resistance

What are some of these ways that resistance shows up?

We might call one form mental resistance. We create stories or narratives to help us not feel the discomfort itself or to avoid feeling the emotion. We might try to rationalize, minimize, or intellectualize the situation. This is one of my favorites. It is not a mistake that I spent years of my life training to be a scientist. Scientists like to go up into their heads and rationalize things. I did my fair share of that.

There might be a way in which we get caught in loops of judgment and blame. We are just stuck going around and around, not feeling like there is any way forward. Being in this loop helps us not actually feel the emotion or the difficulty; instead, we are just stuck in the story.

We might distract ourselves with busyness or planning. I like to do this too. "Oh, I need to prepare for this and get ready for that." It seems like I can always cook up things to be busy with.

What are some specific examples? Imagine you experience a significant loss, but you tell yourself and others, "Oh no, I'm fine. I'm moving on really quickly." There is a way in which it is not quite true. It is a denial of what you are actually experiencing. It prevents you from fully grieving. Our lives are filled with the loss of loved ones, relationships, jobs, capacities—this is the human experience. By saying, "I'm fine, I got this," we are resisting feeling that loss.

Or maybe you have a disagreement with a friend. Instead of acknowledging the hurt feelings, you spend hours replaying the conversation in your mind. "I should have said this," or "Why didn't I say that?" Or you rehearse all the reasons why your friend was wrong. Going over and over what happened keeps you stuck in the story. It is another form of resistance; you are not feeling the actual pain of the schism that got created. You might be nurturing a sense of resentment, which also prevents you from feeling and processing your underlying emotions.

Maybe you find yourself caught in a loop of intrusive thoughts about a past mistake—regret, remorse—or future worry. You try to suppress the thoughts, but they keep returning with greater intensity. Trying to control the thoughts is actually just another form of resistance. We are using resistance to deal with the resistance. It just strengthens these thoughts because we aren't allowing them to shift, change, and bloom into something else.

There is also a way in which we might just suppress, deny, or numb our feelings. Maybe we project our emotions onto others. I spent some time practicing with this: every time I thought, "Wow, that person is angry" or "That person is sad," I made it a practice to ask, "Am I angry? Am I sad? Why am I projecting this onto them?" It is quite something to discover that, yes, there was a little bit of anger there. Sometimes we are so concerned with others—"They should really work with their anger"—that we don't recognize we are the angry ones, but we don't want to feel it.

We might have inappropriate responses, like lashing out at a partner over a minor issue because our anger is disproportionate to the situation. This masks a hurt or resentment we don't want to feel. Or we feel overwhelmed by a loss, so we find ourselves watching way too many YouTube videos or "doomscrolling."

Finally, there is physical resistance. We might try to escape through using substances, addictive behaviors, or unhealthy relationships to not feel heartbreak or discomfort. This can also show up as carrying chronic tension in our shoulders, neck, or jaw—an expression of unexpressed anxiety or stress.

Why We Resist

Why do we have this resistance? I said it is because we don't want to feel discomfort, but there is also a way that our brains are wired to protect us from perceived threats. This works when there are actual threats; it doesn't work so well when the threats are just uncomfortable emotions.

We have a fear of discomfort, but we also have a desire for control. We want to feel like things will be the way we want them to be, that we have the agency to make our life go in the direction we want. "I can just figure it out and fix it, and then everything is going to be fine." We want to feel like we can make everything be okay instead of feeling, "Oh, it's not okay."

So we are busy trying to fix whatever we can—ourselves, other people, objects. We write nasty letters to whomever because "it really shouldn't be this way."

We also resist because we have attachment to our stories. We have stories we tell about ourselves or about "those people over there." We resist what is actually happening because it doesn't go with the stories we have. For example, maybe you have been hurt by someone in the past and you replay this event. You are reliving the pain and telling the story of how you were wronged. This may be true—you may have been wronged—but by holding onto the resentment as a way to protect yourself, you are preventing yourself from forgiving or letting go. You are stuck. The resentment is a form of resistance to feeling the betrayal or the hurt.

Consider the desire to control a family member or loved one who has unhealthy habits. You are always giving them advice: "You really should do this," or "I don't know why you keep doing that." You feel frustrated when they don't comply. This desire to control their behavior is just your resistance to feeling the anxiety you have about their well-being. It is going to feel terrible if their health declines, so we resist accepting that we can't force someone to change.

We do this because we think it is going to make us feel better, but this resistance actually amplifies and prolongs the discomfort. "What we resist, persists" turns out to be true. Being tangled up with the difficulty keeps it present instead of allowing it to arise, be experienced, and pass away, which is the nature of all experiences.

It also limits our growth. Getting stuck in resistance means we aren't learning how to be with discomfort in other ways. It creates disconnection. When we are having to resist, we are no longer present with what is actually happening—the anger, the sadness, the grief, the rage.

Working with Resistance

How can we work with this? How can we not resist the resistance?

1. Notice it. Start by just noticing. Notice all the ways in which the mind and the body react when you anticipate you are going to experience discomfort or are already experiencing it. Do you tense up? Do you start thinking negative thoughts like, "This is going to be terrible, I can't handle this"? Do you reach for distractions? I do that a lot. We have created a society filled with distractions; we all carry around little gizmos in our pockets designed to distract us. Just notice the myriad ways you resist.

2. Acknowledge its presence. Once you have noticed it, acknowledge it. "Oh, I'm feeling resistance right now. Resistance feels like this." Then you might go right back into distraction or tension, but simply acknowledging it is where it starts. No need to judge yourself or push it away. "Yep, this is resistance. This is a natural thing." Acknowledge the resistance as best you can.

3. Shift from storyline to sensations. Shift your attention to the sensations in the body. What is actually here? It is tangible, moving much slower than thoughts, and easier to rest your attention on. The concept of resistance is diffuse, but feeling tension in the shoulders is palpable. Acknowledge the discomfort of the resistance (the tension) and acknowledge the discomfort of whatever you are resisting.

You don't necessarily have to jump right into the grief or rage. Just be with the resistance to the grief and the rage as best you can. This makes a huge difference. Often, we don't even know we have resistance to these emotions. If we can be with the resistance, the grief or rage may show up in a different way. It will unfold in a more natural manner instead of being amplified by resistance. It will arise and pass away. I promise it will arise and pass away.

4. Be kind and patient with yourself. This is not something that gets untied really quickly, but it is the way to peace and freedom. It might seem like a minor thing, but freedom is all about not having to resist anything, not having to avoid things, not having to pretend like things are different than they are. Freedom is being able to meet whatever is arising.

If we want peace in our lives, if we want not to have this arrow in our heart that the Buddha-to-be was talking about, then we look at our resistance patterns. Then we have peace with whatever is arising. We can show up in the world bringing this peace. We can be a force that helps create peace in the world instead of insisting that "those people over there" should behave better. Why not start here?

Resistance is a natural part of the human experience, but we can learn how to use it to support greater peace, ease, and freedom.

I would like to close with a poem by Dorothy Hunt called "Peace Is This Moment Without Judgment."

Do you think peace requires an end to war? Or tigers eating only vegetables? Does peace require an absence from your boss, your spouse, your self? Do you think peace will come some other place than here? Some other time than now? In some other heart than yours?

Peace is this moment without judgment. That is all. This moment in the Heart-space where everything that is is welcome. Peace is this moment without thinking that it should be some other way, that you should feel some other thing, that your life should unfold according to your plans.

Peace is this moment without judgment, this moment in the Heart-space where everything that is is welcome.

Resistance as the path. Working with resistance as the pathway to peace.

Q&A

Question: Sometimes to be a healthy adult, don't we have to listen to our resistance? I remember when I was 19, I had a girlfriend who was really manipulative. I wish I would have listened to my "no" sooner and broken up with her. Don't we have to listen to our resistance from the heart to be healthy?

Diana: I am using "resistance" in a different way than you are using it there. You are talking about where the body and heart are saying, "No, this isn't helpful for me." That is different. Resistance, as I am using it, would be completely denying your experience. In your example, you were hearing the "no" but choosing not to follow it.

I am using resistance as the refusal to be with the present moment experience. But yes, what you are pointing to is important—we absolutely have to have boundaries and be able to say no. That is an important part of being a healthy adult.

Question: Using the metaphor of the arrow, I thought it was interesting that in recognizing the arrow, you are basically pulling it out. I was originally thinking there would be steps to pull it out, but just recognizing it is the pulling out. Also, I was reminded of the five hindrances⁵, specifically doubt. It is easy enough to talk about one arrow at a time, but then I started to have doubts, thinking, "Here's to a lifetime of arrows." How do you know when you have pulled them all out? But I think having faith in the process is part of removing them. You aren't going to find a discrete point in time where they are all out.

Diana: Thank you. This idea of, "Oh my gosh, are there going to be non-stop arrows for the rest of my life?"—that is just an idea. You used the word "doubt," and that is just an idea too. It turns out that once we start to get sensitive to this, resistance shows up less and less. When you talked about the five hindrances, I thought you were going to talk about aversion⁶, because aversion is maybe in there too. But yes, thank you for highlighting this.