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Focusing on What Matters: Practices in Mindful Communication - Lily Huang

The following talk was given by Lily Huang at The Sati Center in Redwood City, CA on January 18, 2026. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.

Focusing on What Matters: Practices in Mindful Communication

Jim: Welcome, everyone. Thank you very much for joining us today. It is wonderful to see you all. We are very excited to welcome Lily Huang as our guest speaker. This is part of our ongoing speaker series for Buddhist chaplaincy through the Sati Center¹. Lily will be talking about "Focusing on What Matters: Practices in Mindful Communication."

By way of introduction, Lily learned about Nonviolent Communication (NVC)² through teachings on Wise Speech³ from her mentor, Oren Jay Sofer⁴. Currently, much of her work centers on supporting NVC training programs taught by Oren and Dr. Roxy Manning. Lily is in the process of becoming a certified trainer through the Center for Nonviolent Communication. She is also participating in the Dharma Leader Training program through the Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City. Lily has a deep devotion to Dharma practice, a background in primary care medicine for the underserved, and is a wife and mother of two teenage daughters. Lily, welcome. We are very excited to hear about NVC and its connection to the Dharma.

Lily Huang: Thank you so much, Jim. I appreciate your and Vanessa’s invitation to speak. This is a topic that is very dear to my heart. It is a big part of how I spend my time, though I find it a little ironic that I am standing here talking about it. When I first came to Buddhism and was learning about the Eightfold Path, Wise Speech was the part I felt we could leave aside for now because it seemed way too complicated. What I want to offer today is how NVC actually provides ways for us to embody Wise Speech that feel less overwhelming.

The Foundations of Mindful Communication

Within the Suttas, there is much discussion about Wise Speech. One sample statement says that a statement endowed with five factors is well-spoken, blameless, and unfaulted by the wise: it is spoken at the right time, it is spoken in truth, it is spoken affectionately, it is spoken beneficially, and it is spoken with a mind of goodwill.

While these are idealistic and wonderful principles, just hearing them can feel overwhelming. It is a lot to keep track of. NVC is a beautiful way to practice moving toward embodying these principles in a way that is trainable. Much like meditation, it is something we can bring our attention to, raising awareness in order to live more compassionately with ourselves and others.

Nonviolent Communication was founded by Marshall Rosenberg in the 1970s. It is based on the principle of Ahimsa⁵—the natural state of compassion when no violence is present in the heart. Marshall’s mentor was Carl Rogers, whose philosophy was based on the belief that people are basically good. NVC is founded on that deep belief: that everything humans do comes from a place of goodness. Although we often talk about NVC as a communication technique, the secret is that it is actually an awareness practice. It is training ourselves to focus on what matters.

The Fundamental Principle: Everything is a Need

The fundamental principle of NVC is this: everything we do, we do to meet a need. Every action, every judgment, and every thought comes from a place of what we call "needs."

Needs are the core values that motivate our actions. They are what matter most—the root reasons for why we want what we want. They are sometimes described as "life energies" that move people to act. Even actions that appear harmful or unhelpful are motivated by an underlying core human value that everyone shares.

To get a sense of what these are, it helps to look at the "big buckets" of needs. Rick Hanson⁶ identifies three main buckets: safety/security, connection, and satisfaction/meaning. The Chilean economist Manfred Max-Neef⁷ broke them down into nine areas: subsistence (food, shelter), protection, affection, understanding, participation, leisure, creativity, identity, and freedom/autonomy.

There is a great synergy between Buddhist practice and NVC here. For me, needs are almost like "Meta-blessings." I want safety and protection for myself and for others—even for the "difficult person." When we offer Metta⁸ phrases, we are often wishing for these universal human needs to be met. Recognizing that even the people we disagree with are motivated by these same universal needs is one of the greatest powers of NVC. It allows us to bridge the gap and see the humanity in others.

Needs Versus Strategies

A key concept in NVC is the differentiation between needs and strategies. Needs are large, universal categories like "autonomy" or "sustenance." Strategies are the specific actions we take to meet those needs.

For example, if you have a need for food, your strategy might be a chocolate chip cookie. But many other strategies—an apple, a sandwich—could meet that same need. Conflict usually occurs at the level of the strategy. People get attached to one specific way of getting a need met. When we can pull back to see the actual need underneath, we find much more creativity.

Imagine two children fighting over one toy. The toy is the strategy for their need for play and fun. If you realize the need is "play," you can find another toy or a different game. Once the need for fun is met, the conflict over the specific strategy can be let go. Focusing on what matters means focusing on the needs, not getting caught in the strategies.

A helpful mnemonic for strategies is PLATO: Person, Location, Action, Time, and Object. Strategies are specific to these factors. If you are confused about what a need is, you can ask yourself: "What is really important to me here?" or "If I had that, then what would I have?" If you had the chocolate chip cookie, you might have pleasure or sustenance. Those are the needs.

Practicing Empathy Guesses

We can practice identifying needs through "empathy guesses." If a roommate leaves dirty dishes in the sink, what might be the need? It could be a need for rest after a long day, a time constraint, or a need for ease. Understanding that they were attending to a different need allows us to meet the situation with empathy rather than just blame.

Take the example of a teenager, Lee, who continues playing video games after being told to stop. Lee’s needs might include autonomy, fun, connection with friends, mastery, or "flow." Understanding these needs doesn't necessarily mean the behavior is okay, but it gives us a different starting point for conversation.

Leslie (from the audience): Do you advocate asking directly, or just interpreting behavior?

Lily: Absolutely ask! In NVC, we call these "empathy guesses." You might say, "I’m wondering if you're excited to play because it gives you a sense of connection with your friends?" You must have the openness to be totally wrong. You can also do this for yourself to understand your own motivations. Needs are not static; what I need today might be different from what I need tomorrow.

NVC, Violence, and the Blame Cycle

Marshall Rosenberg famously said, "All violence is a tragic expression of unmet needs." This is a heartbreaking but helpful way to understand the world. It allows us to hold everyone’s humanity, even when their actions are tragic. As the Buddha taught, hatred does not end by hatred, but only by love.

If someone steals a loaf of bread, our first reaction might be to condemn them as a "thief." But if we look for the needs, we might see a need for sustenance, or perhaps a sense of justice or autonomy. Even gang activity can be seen as a tragic strategy to meet very real human needs for belonging, safety, and identity. Stretching our hearts to imagine the needs of another—even if we never find out the "right" answer—is the bulk of the work.

This leads to the relationship between feelings and needs. Feelings are information. When our needs are met, we feel "positive" emotions; when they are not met, we feel "negative" ones.

Often, we get caught in a "Blame Cycle." Someone does something, it hurts us, and we blame them. Because they are blamed, they feel bad and blame us back. We go round and round. NVC offers a way out by showing that actions do not cause feelings directly. Instead, the path is: Actions -> Needs (met or unmet) -> Feelings.

What you did is the stimulus, but my unmet need is the cause of my feeling. This is empowering because it means I can find other strategies to meet my needs. I don't have to be a victim of your actions, and I don't have to see you as a "bad person."

Integrating NVC with Buddhist Practice

Patricia (from the audience): I sometimes feel a clash between NVC and meditation. NVC feels like it reifies the "self"—Patricia needs this, Patricia needs that—which makes the sense of self thicker. Also, if I label something a "need" and it isn't met, my attachment seems to go up. How do you navigate that?

Lily: This is a very common and important question. For me, the answer lies in the impersonal nature of needs. Needs are "life energies" that are conditioned. It is a condition of being in a human body that we have a need for food, safety, and connection. These needs are Anatta⁹—they are not "self." They arise and pass like everything else.

It is wholesome to take care of this human life by meeting these needs in ways that don't harm others. The freedom comes from understanding their impersonal nature so we don't become attached to them. I move to meet my needs, and I make requests of others, but I also recognize that circumstances may not allow those needs to be met.

Buddhist practice allows us to practice with unmet needs. The fact that needs aren't met 100% of the time is Dukkha¹⁰. NVC helps me remember the Middle Way: not denying our humanity, but opening to the beauty of these human longings while staying unattached. It helps us return to relative reality in a way that embraces the wholeness of our humanity.

Thank you all for your time and your wonderful questions. If you would like to support the Sati Center, please consider a donation. I have also put a feedback form in the chat, along with information about future trainings, including Oren Jay Sofer’s Wise Speech class.