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Happy Hour: In Praise of a Loving Pause - Nikki Mirghafori

The following talk was given by Nikki Mirghafori at Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA on March 19, 2024. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.

Happy Hour: In Praise of a Loving Pause

For today's practice, I want to invite us to pause. The title of today's practice is "In Praise of a Loving Pause."

Let's begin by landing in your body. Arriving. Arriving together with wholehearted intention. With kind intention for ourselves and for others.

Taking a pause from the busyness, from the distractedness, from switching channels—this channel and that channel and this other channel. Taking a pause from all that. Taking a wholesome pause and resting.

Arriving in this body. Arriving in this moment in time.

Inviting the body to relax and soften. Inviting the heart, the body, and the mind to take a pause. A kind pause. A pause of kindness.

If thoughts are arising and passing, it's okay. Let them come and go. Let your body and heart rest with the pause. We don't have to follow after every thought that comes up, or every memory.

Perhaps imagine that you are sitting in a comfortable chair—a very comfortable chair—in the middle of a cabin in the middle of nature. All around this cabin there are doors and windows. Little animals and birds show up, say "Hi," and then leave. We don't have to get up and follow every little creature that shows up at the doors and windows. We can have kindness for ourselves and for everything that's arising.

In this simile, the doors and windows are the sense doors¹. The five sense doors where sensations, sounds, smells, and so forth arise. The sixth one, the mind door in Buddhism, is where thoughts arise. We can replay all the other senses—sounds, music—in our minds.

So all these doors, these creatures, they come. They greet. They want to take our attention away. And we can rest with kindness. Rest with kindness.

There can be many distractions in the world. We don't have to follow every thread. Every little animal that shows up—every chipmunk—is just a chipmunk. No need to pay attention. Let it come, let it go. Not important. Not worth your energy. Not worth your attention.

Making a pause. Making a kind pause. One breath at a time.

Taking this pause one breath at a time out of kindness for ourselves. Out of kindness for the world.

See how taking a pause can be an expression of kindness for yourself, and also for others and the world. By doing so, you can become more available to respond wisely and compassionately to the needs of the world, the needs of others, and yourself.

See what happens in your mind and in your heart if you just pause. If you just stop. You can pick it all up in a few minutes. But what if you just pause? Press the pause button on the whirlwind of activity in the mind, the body, and the heart. Just say to yourself: "Dear one, dear heart, we will hit play in just a few minutes. Right now, I'm going to hit pause. A friendly pause. A loving pause."

In praise of a loving pause. A nourishing pause. Just keep presence with the breath as the conductor of the pause. As a conductor conducts an orchestra, hear the breath—in-breath, out-breath—holding a baton, conducting the pause for the orchestra within.

If you find that the mind is still busy with thoughts and emotions, it's okay. No reason to judge yourself. Thinking is what minds do. Be kind, be gentle, and see if it's possible to put it down gently, promising you'll pick it all up in just a few minutes.

Ask the thoughts, the memories, and the emotions if it's okay to just take a pause for five minutes. You'll be back. Befriend them all. You don't have to make enemies out of thoughts or emotions. They will probably say, "Yes, it's okay. You can take five minutes off to take a pause."

Then take a loving pause. In-breath, out-breath. You can tell your thoughts: "Let's take a pause."

As we come to the end of this meditation session together, however this pause was, appreciate that you took it. As much as possible, a loving pause, a wholesome pause to be more connected and available for wisdom and compassion for yourself and others.

Trust that you have planted seeds, not judging how this period was. Together, let's share the goodness of all these seeds we've planted with all beings everywhere.

May all beings everywhere be happy. May all beings be free. Including ourselves.

Reflections and Discussion

I enjoy taking a loving pause. I hope you did too.

I want to share a practice. There was a time when the planning mind was coming up—planning for something I needed to do. I realized, "Wait, I'm taking a loving pause." I actually said in my inner voice to the thought, "Oh, let's take a pause." The planning mind agreed: "Okay, we're going to take a pause. We're going to plan about that thing later."

The Gap Between Stimulus and Response

Participant: For me, I love the idea of the "loving pause" because one of the things I've been working on is the gap between stimulus and response. I have called it "taking a pause," but now I'm going to call it "taking a loving pause." It's not just for me, but it's also for the other person. If I take a loving pause, the third or fourth solution that pops into my head is probably the best, instead of the first one that I really want to say. It is both loving for them and for myself.

Nikki: Beautiful. Thank you for enriching the meaning of this with heartfulness.

The "Bad Meditator" Judgment

Participant: When I do this, I feel like I'm terrible at it. My mind is writing or reading. But I still get a benefit out of it. As bad as I think I am at this, I still feel better afterwards. Is that normal?

Nikki: Oh, absolutely. I am so glad you named it. We judge our results in the short term—"Oh, my mind is cluttered or busy," or "I'm a bad meditator." And yet, this practice has a different way of working through our bodies and hearts. It's not just our brains. There is something that shifts just in the way we take a pause.

It works in ways we cannot imagine or quite understand. So don't cut yourself short. That is why at the end of every meditation I try to say: Don't judge it. We are planting seeds. They are going to flower and germinate in their own time, according to a natural lawfulness that we don't quite get. We appreciate that it is working, even if we feel like we are just thinking. Just accept, be kind, be non-judgmental, and keep beginning again lovingly with your "monkey mind."

Fierce Compassion and Boundaries

Participant: I had a strange experience recently where I was unexpectedly verbally hurt in front of others. My normal response would be the typical loving-kindness—"Oh, let's understand everybody else." But I had this sudden awareness of, "No, this is not kind to myself." I found ways to set boundaries and showed up for myself. It felt like the space we are always talking about, but it was almost the opposite of what I had interpreted to be a "loving pause." It was a loving pause not with gentleness, but with a bit of force. It helped me process.

Nikki: Thank you for sharing that. Compassion can be gentle and tender, but compassion can also be fierce. We've talked about it here at Happy Hour many times.

What I'm hearing you had to do was to have that loving pause and realize, "Ouch, this hurts." Sometimes when I am befuddled when someone hurts me publicly, I just say, "Ouch." It is a way to express that this is painful. A loving pause can be fierce. Love can be gentle. It can show up in many different ways as long as there is wisdom.

One would hope for a net kindness effect—not adding more hurt to the situation. The reason I use the word "ouch" is that it isn't a dagger you are weaponizing against others. It is simply saying, "This hurt me," and maybe the other person didn't quite realize. Setting a boundary is really out of love: "I care enough for you that I want you to know that this is not appropriate for you either, for your karma² and for what you're producing in the world."

The Chipmunk Metaphor

Participant: The chipmunk metaphor was right on the money for me. Right before meditation, I was quickly writing a long email. In the process of meditating, I realized it could be about one line and a phone call. It was very much the wise mind saying, "Stop."

Nikki: I love that. The chipmunk is a great metaphor. It really is just a chipmunk running here or there. Just let it go.

Embodiment vs. Spacing Out

Participant: I have problems with PTSD and I space out a lot. I think I'm pausing all the time—I'm not being present. Ironically, what was helpful for me was to take this as a moment of embodiment. The word "relax" doesn't always work for people, but this was a way to stop spacing out and actually be in my body.

Nikki: That is so interesting. On Saturday we talked about embodiment and "body-fulness." I appreciate that the word "pause" has the connotation of spacing out for you. For me, it has a connotation of embodiment.

That is how I was trying to bring it into the guided meditation with the image of resting in a comfortable chair in the middle of a cabin. There is a sense of embodiment—you are not getting up to go greet every chipmunk. You are staying in your body. You are staying in the comfort of this home, this chair, this comfortable abiding where you are.

If that image helps reframe it, use it as a way of taking a pause from all the things that are coming and going. And if the word "pause" doesn't help, don't use it.

Happy Nowruz³ (Persian New Year) and happy first day of spring to everyone. May we share the merit of our practice together.