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Happy Hour: Loving Self-Inquiry - Nikki Mirghafori

The following talk was given by Nikki Mirghafori at Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA on October 10, 2023. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.

Happy Hour: Loving Self-Inquiry

Introduction

Hi, I'm Nikki Mirghafori in California. Lovely to see you all, lovely to be with you. If you'd like to say hello and bring your voices, start with kindness and greeting each other.

Hi Claire in New York, Marian, Jamie from Toronto, Neil in New Hampshire, Nao from Japan, Ron from Palo Alto, Pat, Frank from San Diego, John, Nate, Ali from Oakland, Alicia from the East Bay, Kevin, Megan, Fred, Z from Kauai, and Amy. The hellos are going faster than I can read them! My heart is so warmed up.

Thank you for the feedback on the audio and video. I'm going to mute everyone to see if that helps. We'll just go with the causes and conditions.

For today's theme, I'd like to invite us to engage with the practice of bringing loving-kindness, mettā¹—also translated as friendliness, care, warm-heartedness, or acceptance—together with self-inquiry. Inquiry is one of the Seven Factors of Awakening². One of the factors in Pāli is dhamma vicaya³, which involves interest and curiosity. It is being interested in a topic, asking questions in a very gentle way, and having an open mind.

There are so many ways this could be approached. Dhamma vicaya is a mental factor of investigation and curiosity. It could be turned internally towards whatever we take ourselves to be, and it could also be turned externally, looking at phenomena. So tonight, or this morning depending on where you are, we're going to explore: how can we turn internally and externally with this sense of acceptance, kindness, and generosity of spirit?

Whatever arises, as long as you turn to it with kindness and friendliness, you're doing this practice right. If your mind is sleepy or distracted, as long as you are with it with gentleness and kindness, you're doing this practice right. If frustration arises and you turn towards it with acceptance and kindness instead of adding more salt to the wound, then you're doing this practice right.

Guided Meditation

Let's practice together. I'd like to invite you to land in your chair, on your cushion, or wherever you're sitting, standing, or lying down. Whatever is supportive to this body in this moment.

Arriving fully. Arriving in this moment with this body. Softening and relaxing the body.

Let the feet give their weight to the earth completely. The lower legs, knees, upper legs, and sit bones—all of them giving their weight to the earth. Invite your chest to release. Release the neck and shoulders, arms and hands. Relaxing.

The body knows how to unwind. We don't have to hold it up. Soften the forehead.

If thoughts arise, it's okay. We invite them to relax. In the same way that we're offering the weight of our body to the earth, offer your thoughts to the earth. Put them down. Let them be like helium balloons that you bring weight to, offering them into the earth. Soften and relax the mind, the heart, and the body, and let awareness connect with the breath.

Receiving the breath. This in-breath, this out-breath. Right here. Not the previous one, not the next one. Can I be content with just receiving this in-breath, and let the mind rest and feel nourished?

Can each in-breath and each out-breath be received with an attitude of friendliness? Treat this breath like a good old friend that has been with you, supporting you all your life. Let this breath be received with a sense of quiet, gentle appreciation and acceptance.

Can we bring a sense of kindness, appreciation, and interest to receiving the breath? We've known this breath for a long time, and yet each breath can be slightly different as it is experienced anew in this moment. Bring a sense of gentle curiosity.

Where is the breath? In-breath, out-breath. Notice it with a sense of open-heartedness, warm-heartedness, appreciation, and interest. As if you are seeing a friend you just saw minutes ago, but now you see them with fresh eyes. A sense of friendliness, acceptance, and kindness, yet with interest.

See if there can be a balance of mettā, friendliness, and this sense of curiosity and interest. You might lean into one more than the other. It's okay. It may not always be balanced, and that's okay. We are learning and figuring out our way without it getting too tight. If it gets too tight, let go and lean more into friendliness.

Now, I'd like to invite you to have this same sense of friendliness towards yourself. As if you're stepping out of yourself and seeing yourself as a dear friend. Bring kindness, goodwill, and friendliness. This friend is doing their best, continuing to learn and grow. You know their whole story, their challenges, their pain, their sorrow. You know their gifts, you know their values. Breathing with this friend who is yourself.

Bring the same sense of interest and curiosity. You don't know everything about this friend, this being who you continue to discover. Can there be a gentle curiosity? Continue to learn about this person. Learn with them. Discover how to love, support, and help them grow and deepen in wisdom.

Maybe you have a self-reflection question you can drop in. Do not try to answer it from a head-space, just drop it in. Something like: How can I help you deepen your practice? How can I support you? How can I help you thrive in your heart, in your mind, in your humanity? How can I love you to live your fullest human potential on this earth? Whatever version of the question might be alive for you, drop it in. Don't try to answer it. Just drop it in and hold a kind gaze as you breathe with this being who is yourself. Loving self-inquiry.

Just dropping in the question, holding yourself with mettā. Not thinking about the answer, but listening. Listening deeply is also a form of care, a form of love.

The inquiry could simply be: What do you need, sweetheart?

Remember to drop in the question without so much thinking about it, but breathing kindly with yourself. Asking the questions helps orient us.

As we bring this period of meditation practice to a close, let us meet whatever arose or did not arise with kindness and interest. Even if it's judgment or frustration, can there be kindness and interest? Oh, why is this arising? Trusting that there is co-creative goodness as we practice together.

May our practice be a cause and condition for the well-being, waking up, and freedom of all beings everywhere, including yourself.

Reflections and Q&A

So this was an invitation to bring mettā—kindness and friendliness—together with one aspect of dhamma vicaya—interest, curiosity, and inquiry. There are so many different ways we can do this practice. Today, the invitation was turning first towards internal phenomena like the breath, cultivating a sense of friendliness and curiosity about the breath. Then, turning towards this being who is me, and perhaps asking the question, "What do you need, sweetheart?" This has a sense of kindness, support, and curiosity.

There are teachings about not-self or impersonality, and yet we need to really love and know the self before we can let go of it. We need to come to it first, and when we know and love the self, little by little these unhelpful patterns drop away. But they need to be seen first; we can't squash them unexamined.

Welcome back from the breakout rooms. I would love to hear your reflections. How was it? What did you discover? You are invited to share your reflections either about the guided meditation, the inquiry, or your breakout group.

Serena: I was having a really difficult time hearing you, and I don't think I was the only one. At a certain point, I tried to just turn the volume down totally because I was feeling frustrated. Because of that, I really tuned into a lot of physical pain. The question that arose for me was that I didn't feel any pain at all yesterday. I was in New York City, did a lot of walking, and was not experiencing any physical pain. I don't get how there could be such a huge shift from one day to the next, feeling so much physical pain. That is a major question for me.

Nikki Mirghafori: That is the body, Serena. Having humility about the body going through its own process is important. I'm hearing a sense of frustration. As I said at the beginning, everything is an opportunity for practice. Can you bring kindness to the frustration? Can you be comfortable with being uncomfortable? This is the marrow of the practice. It's not about everything being easy and comfortable.

Serena: Obviously I need more training in feeling comfortable with the very uncomfortable.

Nikki Mirghafori: Start right now, my dear, with the physical pain you're having. Can you bring a bit of friendliness right in this moment, instead of thinking, "I need more training in the future"? This practice is not for the future; it's for right here, right now. There's pain in the body, there's frustration you couldn't hear me. Can there be some opening to it, like, "Okay, it's like this right now"? Just a 5% shift.

Student: I think that was a beautiful meditation. As I was meditating today, thinking about this whole acceptance and being loving to myself, I realized that sometimes when people I'm very close to bring up things I've done that they were not happy with, it makes me so defensive. I imagined myself having a conversation where something is brought up, but being so much more accepting of what they're bringing up, and explaining to them that I'm also human and this was my intention. I feel like when you can love and accept yourself and not expect perfection, you can bring such a loving dimension to relationships.

Nikki Mirghafori: Thank you so much for the very clear and wise reflections. The real insight is that if there is love and care for this being, I can bring it more into my relationships. I can bring it more into my relationship towards them, understanding that they are also doing their best. It becomes more generative, holding all the messiness of being human together.

Jerry (from chat): It was a welcome place of kindness and friendship in the world today of geopolitical events where there seems little kindness.

Rich: I found myself over the weekend getting very angry over events in the Middle East, and I turned to doing compassion meditation, which did calm me down and changed my mental and emotional state. But am I doing anything for anyone else by doing that?

Nikki Mirghafori: Great question. I think what you can do in the way you're practicing, especially with what has been happening geopolitically, is compassion 360 degrees. That's how you can do something for everyone. Doing compassion for just one side is not very wise. Everybody is suffering and causing suffering in different ways. Historically, both sides have been suffering—ouch, ouch. By acknowledging that both sides are suffering and causing suffering, you can reduce this hatred in the world, starting with yourself. It's complicated, it's messy, but can I have a stance of compassion 360 degrees?

Megan (from chat): I'm grateful for the warmth and kindness the meditation brought to a day in which I felt so much sorrow. I appreciate the idea of approaching whatever is with kindness and learning, not trying to control it.

Nikki Mirghafori: I also wanted to mention that where there is pain or suffering, there can be a kindness and a gentleness of inquiry. There is so much we don't know internally and externally. Having a stance of humility, instead of acting like we know it all, is a helpful path to lessening suffering in the world.

Before I dedicate the merit, I wanted to correct something I said earlier. This is a bit technical, but I want to mention it. Dhamma vicaya, which translates as interest, curiosity, and investigation, is actually not listed as one of the cetasikas⁴ in the Abhidhamma⁵. It is only listed as one of the Seven Factors of Awakening. I just wanted to correct the pedagogical accuracy, though practically it makes no difference.

Dedication of Merit

Thank you all. Thank you for your practice. Thank you for coming here to cultivate your hearts and minds for the sake of all beings. May all beings be happy. May all beings have the conditions of freedom and happiness.