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Guided Meditation: The Inner Critic (4); Dharmette: Working with the Inner Critic (4 of 5) Detrimental Dedication to the Critic - Diana Clark

The following talk was given by Diana Clark at Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA on April 04, 2024. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.

Guided Meditation: The Inner Critic (4)

Welcome, welcome. Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, wherever you are. And for those of you who are listening in the future, welcome. It is such a delight to practice together; it is such a beautiful thing.

I am going to continue on this series on the inner critic. Today is the fourth day talking about this, and I am going to guide us in a meditation that is going to build on some of the meditations we have been doing earlier in the week. But if you haven't been here earlier in the week, that is perfectly fine also.

I am going to point to something inside of us that is hard to describe, but it has a certain amount of settledness or okayness. Even though there might be a lot of chaos and difficulty and discomfort, sometimes we can touch into something inside of us that feels a certain amount of steadiness or wholesomeness. It might just be a fleeting recognition of it, or a sense of it rather than a clear description or clear ability to land on it like, "Yes, this is it." I will be pointing to this as an alternative to this inner critic, which can be so harsh and have such a big impact on our lives in a way that causes us to disconnect from our experience.

To begin, bring to mind somebody or some creature—it doesn't have to be a person—who just makes you smile a little bit in a very simple way. Not at all complicated; we are not overthinking this. Just what feels a little bit delightful when you bring them to mind? We are using our imagination. Chances are they are not right here in front of us that we can visually see them—maybe they are, maybe it is your cat or dog—but if they are not, just bring them to mind.

Is there a way that we can feel the warmth, feel the connection, feel the openness or warm-heartedness towards this lovable being? Again, this is very simple. We don't have to try to find the perfect lovable being. If one isn't obvious, just bring to mind maybe the spring flowers. Here in the Bay Area, spring has sprung; there are a lot of flowers. It is really beautiful. Just tuning into the delight. It might be this sense of appreciation.

With that sense of delight, warmth, openness, or appreciation—use whatever word feels appropriate for you—orient towards the bodily experience. What is it like at this moment to be having this somatic, embodied experience? What is it like to be in this meditation posture and to feel like we are in this meditation posture at this moment?

Maybe there is a sense of aliveness, a sense of embodiment. I am using these vague words so you can find your own way.

To support a sense of ease, extend the exhale just for a few breaths. Extend it just a tiny bit, tapping into the body's natural physiology, using that as a support, as an ally.

Allow the breath to return to normal, trusting that the body knows how to breathe. Bring this orientation of delight, warmth, and ease with us as we rest the attention on the sensations of breathing.

Feeling the body breathing. Feeling the movements. It might be a stretch in the chest and a subsequent release of the stretch. Maybe a sense of the belly moving in and out. Maybe feeling the air moving in and out of the nose. Whichever area, whichever movements, whichever sensations feel the most accessible, the easiest, the most pleasant.

Feeling connected and grounded. We are here.

When the mind wanders, as it is apt to do—this is what minds do—we just very simply, gently begin again with the sensations of breathing.

Nothing needs to be happening. We are just noticing, hanging out with the sensations of breathing in a relaxed, easy way, without insisting that something different happen than what is happening, as best we can.

Maybe the mind is agitated, maybe the mind is tired. Can that be okay? Maybe the mind is settled and relaxed and open. Can that be okay?

Can we tune into any sense of okayness, well-being, or contentment? It doesn't have to be our dominant experience; maybe it is just a corner of our experience. But can we tune into that? Any sense of settledness, groundedness, okayness.

Allow it to get as big as it would like. We are not making anything happen; we are just allowing or inviting any sense of okayness to get as big as it would like.

Can any sense of okayness or well-being—a certain amount of contentment, whatever amount is there—can we allow this to be the source of the mindfulness? Fueling and supporting the mindfulness, the awareness, the attention in a simple, easy way. As if it were paint, and we are painting our experience with this whatever amount of ease we have.

Resting attention on the sensations of breathing and having this attention imbued with any sense of well-being, ease, relaxation, or contentment that is available. In a relaxed way. And when the mind wanders, when thinking happens, we don't have to make it a problem. We are okay with that too, and we just return to the breath.

Dharmette: Working with the Inner Critic (4 of 5) Detrimental Dedication to the Critic

With that guided meditation, we just tapped in a little bit to this sense of "okayness," well-being, or contentment. Sometimes it is obvious, and sometimes it is very subtle. I am using these vague words, but I mean something that is not agitated, something that has a sense of settledness or being present in a nice kind of way.

As you know, I am continuing on this series of the inner critic. As I have been doing the other days, I define the inner critic as a dynamic inside of us that is putting us down, belittling us, and judging us in a way that says, "Somehow you are inadequate." I am exaggerating in terms of how obvious it might be, but it might feel the same. It might have this same way of blaming ourselves and nagging ourselves with this real harshness. There is often a sense of shame that accompanies it, and there is so much pain that can be caught up in this structure.

These days I have been talking about this inner critic and the need for us not to pile negativity onto the negativity. That is how we can break the cycle. If we have that feeling like, "Oh, I have to get rid of the critic," that is just more of the same type of energy. So we are trying to meet it with a different type of energy—one of warmth, awareness, and spaciousness.

But we might have noticed that there is a certain amount of resistance to stopping this inner critic. There might be a certain feeling like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, that sounds nice, Diana, but I need it. I need this inner critic; it serves me. It is helpful." There might be a part of us that feels a certain amount of loyalty to it because we have this idea, this notion—and it is just an idea—that without this inner critic we would never get out of bed in the morning. We would just lay around, eat bonbons, and not do any work whatsoever, whether it is work to take care of our living space, our responsibilities, or our professional life. We have this feeling that it is only with this inner critic having this kind of whip that whips us into shape that we function. So we have this belief that if the inner critic weren't having these admonitions that "you have to do better," that we would just end up being lazy slobs. There might be a part of us that thinks that we need this inner critic.

So there is a way in which we think the effectiveness of having this critical, mean, disparaging movement in our life is helpful. But what actually motivates people? Is it this, or is it to be more encouraging and positive and focused on what is possible versus what is wrong?

You might imagine there has been a lot of research on this because Corporate America wants to know the answer, and Corporate America has money to spend on these types of things. This is not just something in the self-help community. Numerous studies have shown that people are far more motivated and engaged when there is a sense of encouragement and positivity, and when they are focused on what is possible—a direction they can go, some movement that is possible into something that is even better—as opposed to just putting us down and shaming.

Anybody who has had a boss—or indeed who has this inner critic that is really loud—but if you have had a boss who is really kind of mean, then you notice how it is deflating. Not "kind of"—it is deflating. I haven't had a boss like that, but I did see, when I was in Corporate America, a boss of another department we had to partner with. This person was mean. I couldn't believe some of the things that came out of the mouth of this person. I saw how the people in that department were demoralized. And frankly, they were mean to other people too; it was quite something.

In order to have the best versions of ourselves, we need to stay connected to what is valuable, what we see as valuable within us. We need to stay connected to a sense of meaning and purpose, and stay oriented towards what is possible, towards the direction we are going, towards aspirations.

It turns out that we don't actually need this inner critic, especially not in the way that we think we do. We don't need it to guide us in these choices because the inner critic is just a pretty crude mechanism. It has a very simplistic view of ourselves and of the world. It has a view of right and wrong that is as sophisticated as the eight-year-old brain that developed it.

We have more sophisticated, helpful, and mature ways to guide us. We have a conscience. We have a moral compass. We have the Buddhist teachings, the precepts, and this movement towards wholesome qualities: generosity, compassion, wisdom, loving kindness. We can use these to guide us rather than the inner critic.

To be sure, it does take a certain amount of trust to put aside the inner critic and to say, "Okay, I am going to trust that these beautiful qualities are inside me." We all know they are inside us. It does take a certain amount of trust to put aside the inner critic and instead to tune into some of these beautiful wholesome qualities that we all have. This practice is so much about cultivating and developing those wholesome qualities. We are not creating them out of thin air; we are just helping them to grow and become more and more a part of our life.

Part of the inner critic's job is to tell you, "No, you need me. You need me to navigate difficult realms because you can't do it by yourself." This is the critic speaking. Its job is to tell you that you need it. But the truth is, if we look at it, we will see that this inner critic just makes us feel worse. And this feeling worse stops the engagement or inquiry into what is really happening—curiosity that can increase our understanding. Instead, it just shuts everything down: "No, this is bad, you're bad, so you have to do that."

Part of this practice with the inner critic is learning to distinguish, learning to differentiate—what we might call discernment—from judgment. They are both similar in that they are distinguishing and discriminating between things, but here are a few ways we can tell the difference between discernment and judgment.

I will start with judgment. With this inner critic, there is a certain type of power differential. It is like, "I know better." This inner critic is trying to tell you, "No, I know better, and not only do I know better, but I have the power and the right to determine what is good or bad."

The experience of the inner critic is trying to assert that there is this pathetic part of you that doesn't know right or wrong, and that the inner critic is needed to whip it into shape. This inner critic has a sense of finality. It is simply "like this." Done. I don't have to think about it anymore. That is part of why it evolved, because it makes things simple and takes a little less effort: good/bad, don't have to think about it anymore.

But this inner critic and the passing of these judgments is born out of a sense of wanting to control. It is born out of feeling uncomfortable with a sense of things not being as clear as we would like, or maybe we don't understand things as well as we would like. Maybe we feel a little bit uncomfortable with the ambiguity. So the inner critic arises as a sense of control: "No, I know what is right, I know what is wrong, this is good and that's bad, end of story."

Of course, this inner critic has a reactive quality, a knee-jerk response to what is happening without consideration. Because it has this knee-jerk quality and is trying to give us a sense of control, it might just be flying under the radar, trying to convince us that "this is the truth." But as I said before, it takes one little piece of data, one little experience, and then creates a huge generalization. "You didn't reply to that email in a timely manner; therefore, you are a mean, inconsiderate person." It is amazing how the inner critic just likes to make up stuff based on one little thing.

Okay, so that is the inner critic. What about discernment?

Discernment is more personal and conscious than being critical or judging. It comes from this inner wisdom, this inner knowing. It comes from this place that has more of a sense of settledness and well-being and contentment. It might involve a more intuitive understanding of what is best. It might have this heart quality more than a head quality: "I know that this feels right."

With discernment, we can distinguish what is helpful and not helpful, or what is appropriate or not appropriate. Whereas the inner critic often has words like "good" and "bad," discernment is more like, "Okay, yeah, what is helpful here?" "Helpful" takes into account the bigger context of the impact it has on oneself and the impact it has on others. It has more sophistication. Rather than just a habitual reaction, it involves both our hearts and our minds, and it seeks alignment rather than control. The inner critic seeks control; discernment seeks alignment with reality. It seeks alignment with what is actually happening. It seeks alignment with our heart's wish to be free, the mind's wish to be free.

It is not so much pushing and shoving, like how the inner critic does. It is wanting to align with truth, reality, beauty—these vague words that often our hearts get involved to help us know. I am not saying that the mind is offline, but maybe the heart gets brought in.

I was pointing to this distinction between judgment and discerning yesterday when I was talking about noticing what kind of thoughts are helpful and not helpful. Maybe we can use this language of judging versus discerning and recognize that discerning is a better way to lead our life, which can be a support for us.

So maybe we can just check in with a simple expression: What does the heart say?

We can add this on to our practice from the previous days:

• Monday we talked about dropping in: "I am doing the best I can right now."
• Tuesday: Tuning into "How am I right now?"
• Wednesday we talked about "Judgment is like this."
• Today I would like to offer: "What does the heart say?"

Use this as a way to help us make this distinction between judging from the inner critic and this more mature, wise discernment. Judging versus Discerning. What does the heart say?

Thank you. Thank you for your practice together.

Reflections

Tracy wrote: "What does the heart say? What would love have me know right now?"

Very nice. What would love have me know right now?

Thank you all. It is lovely to practice together.