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When We Lose Inner Peace - Diana Clark

The following talk was given by Diana Clark at Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA on May 21, 2024. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.

When We Lose Inner Peace

Welcome, everybody. Nice to see you all.

Tonight I’d like to start with a small verse that comes from the early Buddhist literature talking about this idea of inner peace. It is something I think all of us are interested in—having some peace, ease, spaciousness, well-being, freedom. We want this experience to be a part of our life.

The verse goes like this:

Internally one can find peace, not through another. For one who is at peace with themselves, there is no picking up and putting down.¹

This points to how so often we are looking for things to be peaceful externally so that then we can settle down. To be sure, there is value in doing something like going on a retreat where things are pretty peaceful. For those of you who have been on retreat, you know that after a few days it gets really quiet. Everybody moves a little bit slower, and it can be really lovely. It can also be aggravating if you are feeling restless and everything is so quiet!

But the truth is that whatever is outside of us is outside of our control. Not that we get to control everything that goes on inside either, but especially things that are outside—whether it is other people, the situation, the weather, the news, or the temperature.

In Buddhist teachings, there is this emphasis on letting go, on not clinging and holding on. There is a recognition that difficulties, tension, unpeacefulness, and agitation arise from really holding on to views, concepts, ideas about ourselves, or ideas about how we think things should be. Or, we might have some aversion, really not wanting something, and getting tangled up with it in a way that has a certain hostility, which leads to agitation.

What this little verse is pointing to is that if there is this inner peace, then not only is it easier to let go, but we don't "pick up" as much. We all have this experience of waking up on the right side of the bed, feeling well-rested, maybe looking forward to something fun or celebratory. Then we are so much more tolerant, right? We are not cranky; we are able to not get tangled up with things. Letting go is much easier.

We don't pick up hearing somebody say something and feel like we have to give them a piece of our mind. We are not picking up trying to solve something that maybe could just unfold on itself. I am not saying that we shouldn't solve problems—of course we should—but maybe some things are not as big of problems as we think they are.

I like this phrasing: "There is no picking up and putting down." Why would there be a need for putting down if we haven't picked it up?

With this verse, the Buddha is pointing to this possibility of inner peace—this inner sense of well-being, freedom, or ease. He is pointing to the fact that we don't have to live with this inner turmoil, conflict, fear, or aggression. Instead, we can touch into this peacefulness that is available to all of us. It is not something that we have to create from scratch; it is already there. Part of practice is creating the conditions in which we can touch into it and hang out there.

The Inner Critic

If this idea of peace is to become something other than just an abstraction or concept, then we have to live our lives in a way that supports peacefulness. It is not like we are going to live our lives one way and then—*Shazam!*—there is peace. Instead, the goal and the means are tied together. We learn a little bit more about what doesn't bring peace, which is just as important. It is through this accumulation of learning to live peacefully that peace becomes more prevalent and readily accessible.

One way we can recognize how to have a little bit more peace in our life is to notice what takes us away from it. A classic way to think about this is with a meditation practice. Sometimes there is a time in which there is a little bit of ease—it feels good to just sit. Then, when the bell has gone off, notice: when does that peace go away? Is it as soon as the bell ends? Bam, I’m off running, I got to take care of this, I got to do that.

To make it a practice, just notice: what is it that we think is more important than being calm? What are we willing to sacrifice our peace for?

Often, what steals our peace is what I call the inner critic. This is a sub-personality, a voice inside that is constantly putting us down and belittling us. "You’re not doing it right," or "Whatever you’re doing, it is clearly not the correct thing." There is this negativity, judgment, and nagging.

This inner critic can be cruel, incessant, and mean. Not everybody has this, and it is not there all the time, but when it is there, it has a big impact. It causes agitation because it has a mood of harshness. It engenders this feeling of inadequacy or insufficiency—like whatever I am doing, it is not enough. I am not enough. Somehow I have to be better; somehow I have to be more.

This can be debilitating. It saps our life energy. For some people, it is such a common part of their inner experience they may not even notice it. It feels familiar: "Of course I am always beating myself up. How else am I going to get better? I have to, otherwise I would never get out of bed in the mornings."

It is important not to blame ourselves if we discover this dynamic inside. The last thing we want to do is criticize ourselves for having the inner critic. Then we would criticize the criticizer, and then criticize the criticizer who is criticizing the criticizer, and off we go in this incessant circle.

The inner critic often brings a strong sense of should. "I should do this," "I should not be doing that." This pressure constricts the heart and the mind. Even if you come to a meditation center like this, maybe you are thinking, "I should meditate more," or "I should go on a retreat." I certainly had those thoughts when I first started my practice. I was hoping nobody would notice that I wasn't meditating at home! But this sense of "should" creates a pressure that is anything but peaceful.

Working with the Critic

To support working with inner peace, we can work with this inner critic.

When we notice that we are caught in this loop of aversion, or judging the judging, we can do something that changes the direction and interrupts the momentum. We can just ask ourselves:

"How am I right now?"

We are asking this not because we have to find the answer, but because this is a big shift—a reorientation towards being present for our experience with some care and warmth.

"How am I right now?" creates such a different mood than "You should do this, you shouldn't do that." It undermines the authority of the inner critic and brings in an attitude of respect for oneself.

Maybe the answer is, "I am miserable because I am beating myself up." Even that recognition undermines the critic. We might feel into the body to undermine what the mind is doing. The inner critic often goes around and around in the mind, even though its effects are felt in the body. So if we ask, "How am I right now?", we might notice, "I have this lump in my throat and my belly doesn't feel good." Now that is something we can be with and work with, instead of the stories. We can feel into that lump in the throat.

Kindness in Meditation

Another thing we can do is bring this same attitude of kindness and warmth to our meditation practice.

It is not uncommon to be meditating on the breath and then get lost in some thought about what to pick up at the grocery store. Then we realize, "Oh wait, I’m supposed to be meditating," and there is this little quiet voice: "Dang it, Diana, when are you going to get it together?" I wouldn't even notice it, and then I would yank the mind back to the breath.

It took me quite some time to notice that beat of meanness right after waking up from being lost in thought. Instead, can there be an attitude of: "Yep, that’s what minds do. Let’s pay attention to the breath again."

It can be a fruitful place to practice—to notice the moment right after you realize you have been lost in thought. Notice the flavor, the mood, the attitude. I think I first heard this from Sylvia Boorstein². She would say something like, "Oh sweetie, you’re lost in thought again. Just come back to the breath."

She would throw in a term of endearment for herself as a way to counteract any harshness. Maybe we all can use a term of endearment for ourselves that doesn't make us feel squeamish but has some warmth to it.

We can also just recognize the inner critic and say, "Oh, there is the inner critic. I guess you are going to be hanging out with me for a while. Come along." Instead of the idea that we have to get rid of it and fix it, we give it space. "Okay, the inner critic is here." It doesn't mean we have to believe it or give it authority, but it also doesn't mean we have to repress it.

Self-Compassion

The poet Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer³ expresses this idea of working with an inner critic really well in a poem that she published recently. I would like to share it with you.

Self-Compassion by Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer

On a day when I am at war with myself, when I battle my own humanness and a longing to be good, to be better than good, to be perfect, when I point to myself with a snarl and a sneer as if I am my own enemy, then I notice how my whole body contracts, and I am a crumpled up map, a gray lump in the throat, a stone in the gut, a crumpled wing in the chest, and it is hard to breathe and it is hard to move.

That is when I am grateful to have a body, grateful for the way it helps me remember I have a choice to meet this moment with kindness. It is as if, mid-combat, I am delivered a postcard with a forever stamp, sent from my wisest self, saying, Dear woman who thinks she is not good enough, I see you. It is okay to feel this way.

And what looked like a battlefield a blink ago now looks more like a vast green meadow filled with low golden light where all parts of me are welcome: the one who makes mistakes, the one who judges, the one who longs to be good, the one who thinks she shouldn't have to learn the same lesson again. There is no part of me then that is not welcome, that cannot be loved. And my body expands like a great alpine basin, unfurls like an unending white flag. How easy it is then to stand with all of it in that field and know what it means to be home.

I like the way she describes this battle inside, and then says it is "as if mid-combat I am delivered a postcard with a forever stamp sent from my wisest self."

Sometimes our practice—our meditation, loving-kindness, or compassion practice—can show up and interrupt us in that same way. Just like waking up in meditation, we can wake up from the inner critic and realize, "Oh yeah, I don't have to do this. There is a different way. I can ask how am I right now? I can give it space. I can be with my inner experience with warmth and kindness."

Ethical Integrity

I want to mention briefly another way to support inner peace.

There was a time I was on a long retreat, and some things that I had done earlier in my life that were harmful came up in my memory. It was so painful. Day after day these memories came up, haunting me. I was in a retreat center—very quiet, very still, nothing to distract myself—and here I was with these memories again and again.

We can't undo the past, however much we wish that we could. Instead, we deal with the consequences. This is part of what it means to be human. This sense of regret or remorse is often a way in which we feel agitated and our peace gets sacrificed.

Every great spiritual tradition talks about the benefit of ethical behavior—behaving in a way that doesn't cause harm to others or oneself. In the Buddhist tradition, this is what we call Sīla⁴.

Sīla is a foundational part of how we are in the world. As long as we are alive, we will be interacting with others. There is always a way in which we can strive to be a little more skillful, to provide the most benefit and the least harm. Often that is not straightforward or easy. It might mean not taking the path of least resistance, but having difficult conversations to let others know about harm that is being done, in a way that is skillful and supportive so they can hear it.

Ethical behavior supports this sense of peace so that we don't have regret, remorse, or fear of retaliation. It isn't meant to be oppressive; it is simply showing up in the world with a commitment to not causing harm.

Conclusion

The Buddha’s teaching is pointing to this radical transformation that is available: to have a pervading sense of peace and to be able to touch into the peace that all of us have. Even if there is a big part of us feeling restless and unsettled, there is a way that can support more peace, ease, well-being, and freedom.

One way is working with the inner critic—recognizing it, and meeting it with kindness. Another is the importance of the way we show up in the world and not causing harm.

As Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer’s poem concludes:

There is no part of me then that is not welcome, that cannot be loved. ... How easy it is then to stand with all of it in that field and know what it means to be home.

Very nice. I think I’ll end there.

Q&A

Question: I was thinking about a time recently when I lost my peace... The light bulb went off: thought distortion. I carry a list of them in my wallet—personalization, catastrophizing, all-or-nothing thinking. That is what takes me out of peace. It is not an event, but a thought distortion.

Diana: That was awesome, thank you. Thought distortions.

Question: Just a straightforward question about the poem. I think there is a line in there that says something like, "what was a battlefield a blink ago"? Is the word "blink" or "bleak"?

Diana: Blink. Like the eyes blink. "A blink ago." It is a hard word to say! "Bleak ago" also works in the context, but the word is blink.