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Guided Meditation: Metta for Difficulty Person; Dharmette: Love (35) Metta Samadhi 10 - Gil Fronsdal

The following talk was given by Gil Fronsdal at Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA on February 27, 2026. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.

Guided Meditation: Metta for Difficulty Person

Welcome to our meditation, and the topic is meditating with goodwill, meditating with kindness, with love, with friendliness—not as a kind of sentimental thing to do, but rather that it's one of the most important things we can do. It's one of the most serious things we can do: to have a profound respect for all beings, all people, and a profound sense that there is a capacity for us to find peace, to find friendship, to find mutual respect. It is possible. It might be next to impossible. It might be a phenomenal challenge, but the world is filled with people with animosity who end up becoming friends. It is possible.

And in the dharma, this is a possibility that we pursue for many reasons: for compassion, for care for the world and others, but also because if we really find a way to settle our hearts, to really be at ease, at home in ourselves, without being in a hurry, without being afraid, without being contracted with hatred or greed or delusion, without being caught in the challenges others bring us, to learn how to be free in the midst of it. If we learn that all these difficult things—two things can happen. One is we're maturing in the dharma. We're on our way to awakening. The other is that we begin understanding that this is what the heart wants to do. This is the natural inclination of the heart, to be friendly, to be kind, and we do it because it's good for us, because we want to do it.

So coming today to the last category of the week. The traditional wording of it, the five categories, is: to oneself, to a benefactor (I'm saying the easy person), to a friend, to a neutral person, and then to an enemy. Here in the West, we sometimes say "to a difficult person." So we'll do it for a difficult person. I'll ask you to choose someone who's difficult for you. Don't choose the most difficult. Choose someone who is mildly so or moderately so, so that it's not such a high challenge to find some modicum of goodwill for that person.

And the way I'm going to offer it to you, the guidance is you're not going to go all out just to non-stop have goodwill for this person, but there's going to be alternation where you tap into goodwill independent of the person who's difficult on the inhale, and then you touch into doing some modicum of goodwill for the person, maybe from a distance, maybe just tapping in, maybe just a glance. You don't have to go all in, just enough. And then slowly begin exploring what keeps you from doing more. What are the hesitations that maybe you can let go of and put down in the privacy of meditation? And is it safe to go further just to offer more, and then to leave on the inhale and come back to the other? So, it's this gentle massage of alternation.

And for the inhale, I'd recommend that you think about the easy person. A person it's easy to have love for, kindness for, goodwill for, mettā¹ for. And where there's a resonance, where you're inspired, where you appreciate them, that your goodwill for them is partly a product of how good you feel just knowing them, how they inspire you. So you're breathing into that inspiration. You're breathing in their goodness in a sense, the resonance they have with you, that you have with them, and then offering some of that goodwill to this difficult person on the exhale. Breathing in the goodness and breathing out the goodwill.

So, assuming a meditation posture. Since we're going to be doing a difficult person, maybe a posture that emphasizes stability and a degree of strength, that you're really here grounded in yourself. And at least through the posture, confident in yourself that in this circumstance, sitting and meditating, you can take care of yourself. You're safe. And taking a few long, slow, deep breaths. Relaxing on the exhale. And letting your breathing return to normal.

And continue this cycle of breathing in, feeling your body, your heart, your mind. And on the exhale, softening, relaxing.

And then bring to mind some person for whom it's easy to appreciate their goodness. Knowing them brings you a smile. You're inspired by the way they are in the world because they're kind or friendly or ethical. Their very being touches you in a good way.

And as you breathe in, imagine you're breathing in that goodness. You're taking the way you're touched by this person, the goodness, the friendliness. You're breathing it in and spreading it through your body, filling yourself with it. And on the exhale, spreading well-wishing, goodwill out into the world. Kind of simple, gentle friendliness.

And then think of a person who is difficult for you, difficult for you to have kindness or friendliness towards. Maybe visualizing an image of them in front of you or somehow remembering their presence. And then on the inhale, breathing in the goodness of your easy person. Breathing in the friendship. Breathe in and touch that place inside that's inspired by them, that resonates with them. And on the exhale, send that goodness out to the difficult person. Send them goodwill or friendliness. Maybe with, "May you be happy." And then put that aside on the inhale, and remember the easy person. Gently alternate between the two. And if it feels too fast to do it just in the inhale and exhale, you can spread that alternation out over several breaths. But the principle is alternating between the two.

As you alternate between the easy person and the difficult person, the way in which you instruct yourself to do so, the kind of words of goodwill you might use might be closer to nonverbal. Barely saying them, almost like an attitude more than words, taking in the good person and sending out goodwill to the difficult person. Just whatever you can do. However little, however far away, offering kindness to the difficult person as if you're freeing up your heart. As if you're freeing up your inside so your love is not held in check. Without any worry that the person knows you're doing this or that they deserve it. Just offer it freely and feel the goodness of that.

And then taking some time just with the easy person. Whatever resonates deep inside of you that inspires you about the easy person, breathe into that. Expand it on the inhale, and then offer universal goodwill to all beings on the exhale, like a light that turns on and spreads light throughout the world. Spread your goodwill on the exhale.

Relaxing backwards into your seat, at home, at ease here and now for a few seconds. Give yourself that gift, simplicity of being as you gaze out into the world that you'll encounter today, needing nothing from it, just gazing upon it and wishing it well, wanting happiness and peace for this world and repeating to yourself these words, maybe to give expression, a silent voicing of your heart's goodwill: May all beings be happy. May all beings be safe. May all beings be peaceful. May all beings be free. And in whatever ways we benefit from our meditation, from our Buddhist communities, from our own kindness and goodwill, may we do so for the welfare and happiness of others as well. May we live in companionship with the whole world. May all beings be happy, and may we contribute to that possibility. Thank you.

Dharmette: Love (35) Metta Samadhi 10

Hello and welcome. Welcome to the end of this five days on the topic of mettā samādhi². And how, as a meditation practice, maybe sometimes it's easier to evoke mettā, goodwill, or the warmhearted radiance of the heart, the goodness of the heart, knowing that you're not going to have to do it interpersonally in the world, talking to people, engaging with people, but doing it in the privacy of your own meditation. Not to be aloof or to avoid having goodwill in the world, but as a way of really cultivating and discovering how thoroughly and fully you can center yourself on this attitude of goodwill, of kindness, friendliness, and to learn something about yourself. Learn how you can do it, learn where it's hard, kind of massaging the edges of it, spreading it, growing it. It's maybe a little bit like going to the gym and building up strength and endurance, and for its own sake doing it there. Then later you might use that strength in the real world. First we do it at the gym. So the same with meditation.

The traditional five categories in which to explore this capacity for goodwill are: first to oneself, then to the benefactor, the person who's really supported and helped us a lot, and then to a friend, a neutral person, and then the enemy or the difficult person. For some people, starting with oneself is not so easy, and for some people the difficult person is oneself. So it's fine to change the order because the principle is to go from the easiest to the more difficult. So you can choose whatever order of categories works for you.

And one way to do this meditation for the difficult person, and also to do the meditation for oneself or to anyone, is on the inhale to think of a person that's easy—the benefactor, the good friend—and breathe into that place inside where something resonates with that person. Something is touched by that person. Something brings you a smile or you're just happy to know them, and maybe you can imagine them offering goodwill to you. Maybe they have done a lot of goodwill and friendliness to you. So imagine being on the receiving end of that, so that it touches that place, that you participate in that because you have something that resonates with that, that meets that, that wakes up with that, that exists there in the relationship between you. So on the inhale take in that goodness and then on the exhale offer it to the difficult person.

It could be done very silently. It's just kind of a sense of receiving and giving. It can be done with just mild, simple words—maybe saying their name at the beginning of the inhale for the easy person, and the name of the difficult person, or an image of them. It could be done with words, and it could be very simple. It could be the word "happy" as you breathe in, and then offering them happiness: "May you be happy." Just say the word "happy."

And the idea of alternating between the two is that it's not the same as just doing non-stop goodwill for the difficult person. Because that can trigger all kinds of associations, memories, and ideas. And it's hard to sustain it. There might be some of the hurt that comes up then, and it's hard to stay with it. It might be some of the anger, some of the fear, some of the defensiveness. All kinds of things can come up around the difficult person. And it's okay for it to come up, because that's what we're working with. We're trying to spread and dissolve that, heal that in a wise and good way in the privacy of meditation.

So it's hard to do it non-stop. And so to do this alternation between the easy person and the difficult person, you kind of recover a little bit with the easy person, get refreshed, and it's easier then to touch in with the difficult person and then let go. And also you don't have to blast the difficult person. It can be just enough for you, just what you can do. And some people find it helpful to imagine that difficult person is really far away—like across a room, across on the next hilltop, and just the size of an ant because it's so far away. And maybe then it's easier to have goodwill than if they're sitting right in front of you. So whatever it takes, you're allowed to be creative. You're allowed to find a way to do it, so that you feel comfortable and safe to offer them goodwill and it seems appropriate.

I've occasionally used the idea of thinking about the difficult person really sick in the hospital, being injured, or in jail or something, and hungry, and just wanting to give them some food, wanting to bring them some water or care for them in that situation. And that somehow has melted some of the hesitation that I've had around caring for them. So this creativity, what does it take? Because what we're looking for is samādhi. The idea is to not make a lot of stories and a lot of reflection, but to let the thinking mind, the discursive mind, become quiet. It becomes almost like an attitude that gathers together an intention that's there, a kindness that's there, a glow that's there.

So you can really use the pleasure of goodwill as a gathering point and a quieting point to really immerse yourself in this radiance, this goodness. And so it's almost like you're letting the thinking mind become quieter so you can enter into this forest bathing of goodwill. You can enter into this realm of goodwill that becomes not just an idea in your mind, but more like the atmosphere of your whole being, where you're learning to open your heart.

And part of the reason to do it is to really learn how to dissolve the barriers to your love. To learn what it is about you and what's going on that gets in the way of really unconditional love for all beings. Because in order to really cultivate the samādhi of mettā, you really don't want to have any hesitations to it. You want to have everything dissolved. So just a radiance there, and you don't have to justify doing it necessarily for the difficult person, because in meditation you're not going to act on it. They're not going to benefit from it in the sense that you're going to go and tell them what a great person they are or something. You're just doing it to really dissolve yourself and to create the reference point to let you question more deeply why you hold back, what is going on, and is it necessary? And is there a way to have goodwill together with a confidence that you can take care of yourself, a confidence that you're not going to be taken advantage of or hurt again or something? So, it's a wonderful exploration and a wonderful kind of immersing oneself in this world of goodwill and really feeling it, the radiance of it, spreading it, extending it throughout the world. And it's remarkable that this is one of the things that the people in ancient India developed and cultivated, and the Buddha taught it. The radiant unlimited radiance of goodwill.

So to practice that, I'd encourage you to spend some time with difficult people. Maybe there are difficult people you act physically in the same proximity with, but maybe you don't have to talk to them. And maybe you can just, in the privacy of your own heart, explore what it's like to find some goodwill towards them without any commitment to act on it. Just what it's like. Just to explore, what are the edges of it? How can you have some friendliness, warmth? I like the word goodwill because it's kind of like well-wishing. "Yeah, I'd like you to be happy. I'd like you to be peaceful." And one of the ways to get behind that wish is to realize that if they can be happy and peaceful, they won't be so difficult. It's a way of saying, "Please change, and I want that for you." So, goodwill.

So if you're interested in this, and I hope you are, continue; maybe it can be your regular meditation practice for the next few weeks. This next week I won't be here. I'm teaching a retreat at IRC³, and Kim Allen will be with you. Many of you know her from before, and she's a wonderful teacher. And then I'll be back the following week, and probably we'll continue with this mettā samādhi a little bit longer, partly because it's a foundation for then switching to the other Brahma-vihāras⁴. At some point we'll switch to compassion, and then sympathetic joy, and then to equanimity. And we might be doing this for a while, and as we go into the spring I'm going to be gone quite a bit so it'll be intermittent, and hopefully you'll keep the momentum going.

So, thank you all very much and I look forward to being back a week from Monday.