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Guided Meditation: The Inner Critic (3); Dharmette: Working with the Inner Critic (3 of 5) Not Disparaging the Disparaging - Diana Clark

The following talk was given by Diana Clark at Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA on April 03, 2024. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.

Guided Meditation: The Inner Critic (3)

Welcome to our third day of working with the inner critic. Today, I want to talk a little bit about thoughts. In the guided meditation, we are going to turn towards thoughts and work with them, and I will talk about this more in the Dharmette¹ afterwards.

There is a way in which, if we turn towards thoughts instead of just thinking, "Oh, this thing is annoying, get out of here, I'm trying to meditate"—which, let's face it, is sometimes our attitude—we change the dynamic. We often have this tone of them not being welcome. But when we are willing to turn towards thoughts, acknowledge them, and say, "Okay, come on in, you might as well be part of the mindfulness practice because you're here anyway," we shift our stance.

If we have that kind of turning towards them and inviting them in, there is a way in which we are honoring thoughts. We are respecting thoughts. We are being inclusive by bringing awareness to this common, everyday experience. We all know thinking is a big part of our experience, but by honoring its nature or dignifying its presence, it becomes a gateway to our immediate experience. It becomes just another thing we can become aware of. In that way, you can highlight the present moment experience and no longer be lost in them or pushed around by them.

We can invite them into our awareness, or maybe I should say receive the thoughts, because they are already there. We don't have to try to make our experience be different than how it is. Shifting our attitude towards thoughts is enormously powerful—shifting from "Please go away" to "Oh, hello, there you are, come on in." It is very different.

There are many instructions we often give on meditation retreats or here at 7:00 a.m., but maybe right here I will say there are two different ways in which we can relate to thoughts. One is the experience of thinking: What does it feel like to have a thought? Is it constrictive, or do we feel like we are getting carried away? The felt sense.

The second way is to notice the theme. Is there planning, fantasizing, remembering, ruminating, or, of course, judging? So: one, just the experience; and two, just noticing the theme. We don't have to get concerned with the exact content, but just notice if there is a theme. That is what we will start with in this guided meditation.

To begin our meditation this morning, just tune into the bodily experience as it is right now. How does the body feel? We can begin with a global assessment. Does it feel energized, or is it low energy? Is there a sense of okayness or even well-being? Or is there a sense of general discomfort or dis-ease? However it might be, can we just tune in and acknowledge it, and maybe even bow to it? "Yep, it's like this. Right now, the bodily experience is like this."

Then, noticing that the body is breathing. The body breathes itself; of course it does. You don't have to do anything intentionally. So, tuning in to become sensitive to the experience of breathing—the bodily experience of breathing. How does it feel to breathe?

For just a few breaths—not all of them, just a few—we are going to extend the exhale just a little bit. The exhale is often associated with some relaxation or releasing some tension; it is just a physiological way the body works. We can take advantage of that and, in a relaxed, easy way, intentionally extend the exhale just a tiny bit. Maybe it is associated with a sigh.

Then, allow the breathing to return to normal, not changing it in any way. Just rest attention on the sensations of breathing, the experience of breathing, the embodiment of breathing.

Tune into any sense of okayness, any sense of well-being. Maybe it is delightful to connect with others in the chat. Maybe it is delightful to know that you are doing this wholesome, helpful thing for yourself. From this slight, or maybe obvious, or maybe very subtle sense of, "Yeah, this is okay," bring your attention to a lovable being.

Bring to mind a being that makes you smile, whether it is an external smile or an internal smile, and just rest your attention there with the loveliness of the lovable being in whatever way feels comfortable, easy, and accessible for you. Of course, this includes lovable beings that are puppies or kittens. I am chuckling because I saw a kitten video recently that was so charming—this little kitten reached out and hugged a duck. Maybe some of you saw this going around the internet. I assume they must have grown up together, these two creatures. It was sweet and silly.

Can we allow ourselves to feel the silliness, sweetness, beauty, or lovability? Allow the heart and the body to have this little bit of uplift. Allow yourself to feel that maybe there is a slight sense of delight or an okay sense of okayness.

Then, can we use this sense of delight, loveliness, or warm-heartedness to source our experience, to fuel our experience? I want to normalize that if it is not there, if you don't have access to it, that is perfectly fine too. The last thing we want is the tyranny of a guided meditation telling you you should be one way when it is just not happening. That is perfectly okay. Whatever you are experiencing, can it be okay?

Then, just tune into the experience of breathing, bringing this attitude of warmth or delight into noticing the experience of breathing. Noticing the inhales and the exhales.

For now, when you find yourself lost in thought, just very simply, gently, maybe with this attitude of warmth, begin again with the sensations of breathing.

And now, when you wake up or realize, "Oh, I've been thinking," just recognize it as such. Just use this very simple word: thinking. And then return to the sensations of breathing. Recognize that thinking was happening in a relaxed, easy way. Very simple: "Oh yeah, okay, I was thinking. I'm going to return to the breath."

No need to make it complicated or add stories to the stories. Just: "Oh yeah, thinking." And then rest attention on the sensations of breathing.

If you find that you are just lost in thought, and not really being mindful of breathing that much, that is okay. Can you just maybe tune into the exhale and notice, "Oh yeah, thinking is like this"? Then have an inhale, and with the exhale, "Oh yep, thinking is like this."

What I would like to point to here is the simplicity. Just noticing, "Yep, that was a lot of thinking. Okay." And come back to the experience of breathing without having to add an attitude that somehow it should be different. This is what minds do; they think. We are just noticing thinking happens, and then begin again with the sensations of breathing. Thinking is perfectly natural; we don't have to disparage it.

When we recognize that we have been thinking, just meet it with a warm-hearted attitude. Thinking doesn't have to be any more complicated than that. And then simply begin again with the sensations of breathing.

Dharmette: Working with the Inner Critic (3 of 5) Not Disparaging the Disparaging

This idea of noticing our thinking in a relaxed, simple way, without having to add anything extra to it, relates to our topic for the week. This is our third day of working with the inner critic.

I have been describing the inner critic as this interior sub-personality²—and I am not a psychologist, I am just using that in a non-technical way—but it is this way in which there is a voice that is constantly putting us down or belittling us. It is this voice of negativity that is blaming us, nagging us, and has a strong sense of "you should do this" or "you should not do that." Sometimes it is associated with a real sense of shame—shame for just being who we are or for existing. It really has this quality of harshness and creates an interior experience of harshness.

I want to link this to thoughts. Often this inner critic shows up as thoughts. They might be quiet thoughts that we don't see so much, but it is the nature of thoughts that, for the most part, most thoughts are self-referential. They are thoughts about me. There is this implicit sense that there is a "me" at the center that needs to take care of something or do something; everything is in relation to me.

There are two things to notice about this. First, these thoughts about "me" are always distorted in some kind of way. We don't think they are; we think they are accurate, true, and precise. But they are distorted. Often, it is not until we can get away from being lost in thought all the time that we can start to see how distorted our thoughts are.

One way they are distorted is this idea of always judging ourselves, putting ourselves down, and disparaging ourselves. This inner critic shows up, and for many of us, it just feels normal. "Well, of course there is this inner critic putting us down; that's just the way it is." In fact, we might not even notice that they are negative or critical. It might be so familiar that it just feels like the interior landscape.

I also want to normalize that this isn't true for everybody. This is 100% anecdotal, but I recognize that individuals who grew up in the United States often have this inner critic, maybe less so if you grew up outside of the United States. This is just my observation, no scientific evaluation.

It can be enormously powerful to notice that we are having not only thoughts, but that they are judging us, and not in a positive way—judging us in a way that is unhelpful. The less we are aware of our judging thoughts, the more likely we are allowing them to chip away at our sense of self-worth or our sense of well-being. Little by little, it diminishes any sense of okayness, contentment, or satisfaction that we might have. These thoughts that are disparaging towards ourselves really take a toll; they are really taxing.

It can be enormously helpful to just notice them, and then to take the rug out from underneath them—take away the authority that they seem to have. The way they like to masquerade is as the truth, accurate and precise. But it is not the truth, and it is not accurate. There is a way in which it is distorted. Of course, they are based on things that actually have happened in reality for the most part—not always, so I don't want to say that we have to completely ignore them—but so often they are twisting what is actually happening.

With mindfulness practice—a little bit like what we did in the guided meditation, just noticing thinking—we can notice, "Oh, okay, I was lost in thought," but in a way that brings some warm-heartedness to it. As opposed to, "Oh gee, lost in thoughts again." We can sometimes have that attitude, but if we can bring a simple awareness of thoughts, that helps us to discern what is helpful and what is not helpful, what is healthy and what is not healthy.

If we don't notice the inner critic, it just drones on and on. And sometimes, if we do notice, then we are just critical of the critic. That is just another way of droning on and on, right? It maintains this attitude of being critical, disparaging, and judging in an unhelpful way.

When we notice that the thoughts are disparaging, pejorative, or unhelpful towards us, we can isolate them. We can separate those types of thoughts from other types of thoughts that are helpful. We need thoughts, of course we do: to plan, to communicate, maybe our livelihood depends on thinking. We need to solve problems in our daily life, like how we are going to get that big bowl in the dishwasher.

So, the first step is to notice thoughts. The second is: can we isolate and separate those thoughts that are judging—critical, disparaging—from the other ones? This is a skill that often requires that we bring mindfulness to our thoughts. Sometimes we are just so lost in thought that we can't do that. But is there a way in which we can discern: helpful (solving problems, communicating, planning) versus not helpful (beating ourselves up, making us feel unworthy or ashamed)? The practice is to separate the helpful from the unhelpful.

What is one way that we can recognize the unhelpful? The obvious ones are if the particular thoughts are explicitly negative. If we hear words like, "You're worthless," "Oh, you're hopeless," okay, that is obvious. That is really not helpful.

But another way we can notice is the tone of the thoughts. Helpful thoughts often just have a neutral tone, but the unhelpful ones have a way of feeling like they are barking at you. The tone is maybe sharp, loud, or harsh.

Or maybe we notice that it is not about a particular thing. As I spoke about yesterday, maybe the thought has taken a specific event and just globalized it. "Okay, you were lost in thought during meditation," and then the inner critic takes that one piece of data and says, "You're a terrible meditator. You're a terrible person. Why are you even bothering?" It is hard for me to even say these things out loud; it is painful. But the mind likes to do this; the inner critic likes to take one little data point and then use a broad paintbrush to make something about our innate value, our innate worth. That is another way: notice if the inner critic is challenging your innate value in some globalized way.

A third way we might notice the tone of these unhelpful thoughts is if you are starting to feel weighed down. You kind of slump the posture, like, "Oh my gosh, this just feels too much." We can start to feel the energy really dropping, feeling hopeless, feeling overwhelmed. Those are thoughts that are not helpful.

So how can we work with this? First, as I said, separate helpful thoughts from the inner critic disparaging ourselves. And then just label it: "Judging is like this." Or "Judgment is like this."

Then just tune into the experience. Yeah, it feels heavy. It feels crappy. It doesn't feel good. There is a way in which just the actual judging helps us to get a little bit disentangled from it. We are noticing it. Being mindful of the uncomfortable brings a little bit of space and uplift. Saying "Judgment is like this" helps us to crystallize this understanding that we are judging. It helps this judgment to stand out, to separate from the other thoughts that are helpful.

But just be careful here: there is no need to judge the judging. "Judgment is like this... and I'm judging the judging." And then we can judge the judging of the judging, and off we go. So if you notice that, just say, "Judgment is like this." Just kind of stop with that.

Then we can see it as just a bunch of thoughts. What are thoughts? They are intangible. We could just blow them away. How many thoughts a day do you have? A gazillion? It feels like that. You will have other thoughts later.

So: notice that you are thinking. Separate the helpful from the unhelpful. When you notice that there is judging, just label it. Say, "Judgment is like this. It feels like this." That is a way that creates some space. Then you can tune in, if you are meditating, to the sensations of breathing, or just continue doing whatever it is you are doing.

I would like to add this to some of the instructions that I gave earlier in the week, because we work with whatever is available when we are in the midst of the inner critic. On Monday, we had this expression: "I'm doing the best I can right now." Maybe that comes after "Judgment is like this."

Yesterday, I gave the instructions to tune in: "How am I right now?" Just tune into the felt experience as a way to interrupt the inner critic.

Maybe you could add today's instructions: "Judgment is like this... and how am I right now?" Or maybe it is just, "Judgment is like this. It's like this. It's just a bunch of thoughts."

Our thoughts like to push us around. They can feel authoritative. They can feel weighty. But they are just thoughts. You will have other thoughts; you were having other thoughts just a moment ago. We don't have to believe them or get as invested in them as often as we do.

So today: not disparaging the disparaging. Instead, just say, "Disparaging is like this. Judgment is like this." Help take the sting out of it, or just make it simple.

With that, I hope you have a day in which you can separate that unhelpful judging from the other types of thoughts. Thank you all. I look forward to practicing together tomorrow.

Reflections

Deep bows to all of you.

Someone writes: "Be self-metta³ rather than self-critic." Oh, that's cute. I like it. Yes, thank you.

It is a beautiful thing to practice together. It is so nice how you all support one another and support me, and this feeling of community even though we are all over. It is beautiful. What would the world be like if everybody had this experience—to be able to be with other people who are warm-hearted, kind, and generous? I think that we are changing the world just by coming together. Why not have it start with us being open-hearted towards one another?

It is fun for me to connect with you all reading your chats. Someone writes, "We have grown together over the years." It is quite something that over the years so many people tune in. It is a beautiful thing. We shouldn't underestimate how powerful this is.

Another person writes, "We embrace every new voice that appears in the chat." Beautiful.

I'm going to sign off now. See you tomorrow.