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Guided Meditation: The Inner Critic (5); Dharmette: Working with the Inner Critic (5 of 5) The Clash of the Critic and the Candid - Diana Clark

The following talk was given by Diana Clark at Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA on April 05, 2024. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.

Guided Meditation: The Inner Critic (5)

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, and maybe even hello to the future. Some people will be listening to this in the future, so we send warm-hearted greetings to them as well.

I would like to start this guided meditation by inviting you to just look around wherever you happen to be. Notice two things that feel a little bit uplifting or fun, or that you have nice memories of. I have this little elephant on my desk, for example. It just makes me happy; I just like this little elephant. So maybe you have something—maybe there is a beautiful plant, maybe there is something on the wall that you put there years ago and don't notice as much. Whatever it might be, just allow yourself to connect with and appreciate something that is in your living space.

If it is not an object, maybe it is a color, or maybe there is a sense of spaciousness, or maybe a sense of coziness. Whatever it might be, is there something that makes you smile in some kind of way?

And then, just taking a meditation posture. Taking a few deep breaths with long exhales, just allowing the physiology to settle. Maybe diminishing any agitation that might or might not be there, and letting the breathing return to normal.

Bring to mind somebody, some being, that makes the heart feel warm. This can be absolutely anybody, any being, anything. We just want to have an orientation towards warmth and openness in whatever way feels accessible to you right now.

Connecting with this delightful or lovely or heartwarming being or object, just allowing ourselves to feel the appreciation, warmth, or openness—however it is experienced for you.

Feel into the experience of sitting in this body at this moment. Feeling the pressure of the chair, cushion, bed, or couch—wherever you are—against the body. Feel the pressure against the back if you are using a backrest, or on the backside. Unless you are standing, I guess you would have pressure against the buttocks as well, and the back of the legs. Chances are the feet are touching something as well. So, feeling these places of support, connection, being felt. This pressure against the body.

Noticing if there are any areas of tension or tightness, bringing some warmth and care to those areas. Can we allow them to be there and greet them or meet them with some warmth and openness as best we can? It is not always easy.

Then, can we bring this sense of connection, this sense of warmth, this attitude of maybe some spaciousness and openness—even if it is just a small amount—can we bring that attitude to the experience of breathing? Hello, breath.

Just feeling the body breathing. A stretch in the chest, or maybe a feeling of the abdomen, the belly, going in and out. Or feeling the different temperatures of air going in and out of the nose. Whatever feels comfortable and available, just resting our attention on the sensations of breathing with an attitude of connection, warmth, openness, and ease.

It wouldn't be surprising if the mind wandered. We just invite it back in, welcome attention back in to the experience of breathing. No need to chastise ourselves, condemn ourselves, or beat ourselves up because the mind is wandering. That is all extra. We are just keeping it simple. Tuning into the inhales, for example. Tuning into the exhales. How do they feel? What about the transitions between inhales and exhales? Can we receive them, tune into them, be sensitive to them? Just noticing what it feels like.

At the beginning of this meditation, I encouraged you to connect with either an object or an individual or any type of being that supports a sense of warmth and openness. Smiling. What would it be like to meditate with either that attitude of connection and smiling, or maybe with that being? What would it be like to feel accompanied, the support, the delight? Encouraging a mind state and attitude, a direction of kindness and warmth.

You might have to recharge this attitude of warmth and connection. Sometimes this inner critic can slip in. Just encouraging an orientation towards openness, care, and simplicity as we rest the attention on the sensations of breathing.

Dharmette: Working with the Inner Critic (5 of 5) The Clash of the Critic and the Candid

Welcome for our fifth and last day that we are talking about the inner critic. I made a little typo when I initially was putting the title for this session; I put "five of 50" instead of "five of five." It seems like we could do 50, right? It seems like with the inner critic, there is a lot of stuff that we could do here.

I have been describing the inner critic as this dynamic that often happens—not everybody has it, but a surprising number of people do. In fact, there is a way in which it seems like so many of us are moving through life projecting, "I got it together, I know what I'm doing," and it is quite something because so many people don't actually feel like they have it together. But we are all pretending like we do. It is part of how our culture is these days.

So this inner critic—this dynamic of putting us down, belittling us, blaming ourselves, nagging at ourselves—kind of comes with a sense of shame. Like shame for just who we are in some vague kind of way. It has this feeling of harshness that is certainly not pleasant. This feeling of "I'm not enough" or "I'm not worthy" or something like this. They are often subtle and pervasive, so they can go unnoticed. There is this way in which it can just creep in.

It might be a little bit familiar. Like we are putting on shoes that are a little bit uncomfortable, but they are shoes, so we put them on. There is something like how this inner critic can be subtle and constricting, and we feel like, "Okay, well it's going to help us," in the same way that shoes help protect us from the environment—rough things, pieces of glass, or sharp objects. So often this inner critic is masquerading or trying to convince us that it is really helpful because it is protecting us. That certainly was true when we were young, most likely. But now, this inner critic, this way in which we are feeling inadequate or getting attacked for just the slightest thing, gets globalized. Just because maybe you didn't say the perfect thing to that person at that time, now you are a "bad person." It goes from one little example into something really big. It is generalized.

Feeling attacked by this inner dynamic, a completely natural reaction is to close down, to tighten up, to maybe have a shield or to harden and hide behind that. Maybe in the same way that ill-fitting shoes are constrictive and uncomfortable, but we think, "Okay, I have to do it to look good or to protect ourselves." But there is also a way in which shoes shield us. We might think the inner critic is helpful, but it causes us to harden, to brace and contract and close down. Doing this becomes... we get a little bit frozen. We get a little bit stuck, without malleability and flexibility to move with what is happening.

As many of you know, the Buddha described his mind before Awakening as one that was really malleable and wieldy¹. When the inner critic is up and attacking us, a natural response is to close down, brace ourselves, and contract—emotionally frozen in some kind of way. This contraction puts on hold any natural unfolding, any natural processes that might be working as we metabolize and work with the heart and our life experience. Also, when the inner critic is up and running and there is this contraction, some healing also gets put on hold. There is this kind of frozenness in which everything gets stagnant. It drains the energy and the joy and all the beautiful things in our life as we are protecting ourselves from the inner critic, but at the same time cutting ourselves off from life, really.

So this inner critic is trying to protect us, and it is telling us, "Okay, this is what you need to deal effectively with whatever life is bringing you." But maybe, as you know in your own experience, the way forward—the way to have more joy and openness and ease in our life—is the opposite movement of the inner critic. Whereas the inner critic wants to protect and shield and tighten us and contract, the way forward is a certain amount of opening and spaciousness and some warmth. The way forward is shedding some of these protective layers that are keeping us frozen.

So the opposite direction, we might say, if the inner critic is shielding, is some vulnerability. It is some emotional sensitivity, a willingness to expose oneself to uncertainty. No guarantees that we won't get hurt, right, if we are open. So this vulnerability is the opposite of the inner critic. The vulnerability is a way forward.

Not easy. It takes courage. Yeah, of course it does.

Vulnerability begins—or I say might begin—just admitting to ourselves what we are feeling. Maybe that is just journaling, maybe it is speaking out loud, maybe it is allowing ourselves to say, "Oh yeah, there is this terror inside of me," or "There is this deep sadness or loneliness," or whatever it might be. Sometimes the inner critic is getting perpetuated as a way to encourage this frozenness so that we don't feel this sadness, this loneliness, whatever it might be.

And so the way forward is vulnerability. Which involves risk and involves fear. And risk and fear, of course, cause some anxiety. And then the inner critic loves it. "Oh yes, okay, you don't want to feel anxious, therefore you should buckle down and stay contracted and closed." It is so easy to get into this loop of just staying closed down and disconnected.

The way forward is some vulnerability. Vulnerability is the birthplace, the conditions for this connection to ourselves, this honor and respect to ourselves, and this connection with others. And it is through this connection where we also have this love and sense of belonging and joy that so many of us are looking for. Maybe we even came to spiritual practice because we are looking for this.

And so this vulnerability, this openness, this spaciousness that is willing to be with whatever is arising, is exactly what the inner critic does not want. There is this way in which it is preventing us from experiencing what we actually want. This leads to a life that feels maybe without meaning, or we feel disconnected or separate from everybody else. In some ways, kind of like separate from ourselves—like watching ourselves go through this life.

But when we are vulnerable and actually show up for our lives, great things can happen. It does not mean we won't get hurt. It doesn't mean that we won't be heartbroken. It just also means that beautiful things can happen that we can't even imagine when we are in the kind of closed container of the inner critic. We can't even imagine some of the beautiful things that might happen on the other side of vulnerability—on the other side of being willing to feel what is to be felt. On this willingness to expose ourselves to ourselves, and maybe even expose ourselves to others. It depends on what your life circumstances are, how your life is, how you are. You get to completely be in control of the vulnerability—is it just with yourselves? Is it with others?

We grow up thinking that vulnerability is this weakness. But it takes strength and it takes courage to step into uncertainty, to connect authentically with ourselves or with others. And it will kick up the inner critic. But beauty, love, grace, joy, connection—all these things so many of us are starving for in some kind of way.

So it can be helpful to just think about vulnerability as part of the way forward. And it can start with just being vulnerable with ourselves. So I might add this onto what I have been talking about in the earlier days of the week.

Can we approach what we did earlier?

• Monday: I said we could say to ourselves, "I'm doing the best I can right now." There is a way in which there is some vulnerability right there. Can we feel into that? "Okay, yeah, I'm doing the best I can."
• Tuesday: "How am I right now?" Kind of tuning into ourselves, our experience of that moment. Can we be vulnerable and say, "Actually, I'm not doing so great," and not tip into overwhelm? Feel a connection to wherever we are. I started this guided meditation with an invitation to look around the room and see if there is something there that brings some delight. This can be a tremendous support in our daily life and in meditation. It is called resourcing²—what are the resources that are available here for my heart and my mind?
• Wednesday: "Judgment is like this." When we feel it—oh, ouch. This inner critic that is creating this brace, this shell around us in some kind of way. Can we be vulnerable and say, "It feels like this, and it's really uncomfortable"?
• Thursday: I said maybe we could drop in, "What does the heart say?" Maybe the heart says "Ouch." Maybe the heart says "Pay attention to me." Whatever it might be.

Being vulnerable, can we ask these questions and really be open to what the answer might be? And again, all of us have to take care of ourselves. If we have a trauma history, or however we are able—our capacity at that moment when we ask. Our capacities fluctuate throughout the day, throughout our life, so we have to be sensitive and wise to that. Vulnerability is about taking risks, about stretching our capacity.

So this vulnerability is part of the way forward with the inner critic. I wrote in the description "The Clash of the Critic and the Candid" because vulnerability and the inner critic will always be kind of in a dialogue across one another. The inner critic is going to say, "No, don't do it." Can you do it anyway? In whatever way feels comfortable for you and whatever way is available for you.

So this week I have been talking about the inner critic, and there is a lot that can be said. There is a way in which in our meditation practice it can really sneak in there as soon as we discover, "Oh, I'm supposed to be on the object and I've been off planning or fantasizing or remembering," or whatever it might be.

Thank you. It has been really fabulous to practice with you all this week.

Some people have been reaching out and asking, "Diana, where can I find where you're teaching?" I'll just mention briefly in case it is of interest. If you have ever thought, "Oh, I'd like to go on a retreat but I'm not sure," well, if you are in the Bay Area or willing to come to the Bay Area, Tanya Wiser and I are teaching a non-residential retreat for those people who are curious about retreat and want to know how do I do it, what is it like, what is going to be expected. It is specifically for people who are new to retreat practice, and you can find information about that on the Insight Meditation Center (IMC) website. And then I am at Insight Retreat Center (IRC) in June and August and October, and I am in Spirit Rock in September and Cloud Mountain in October. So just if you are interested in doing some retreat practice, I'd love to practice with you all. It is a beautiful thing to practice together.

I hope this week of working with the inner critic has been helpful and supportive. And if it hasn't, just put it away. Take what is helpful, take what is a support for you.

With some heartfelt wish: May your day, your practice, your life be filled with ease and warmth and connection and spaciousness, in a way that is available and appropriate for you. Wishing you all the best. Thank you.

Q&A and Closing

You guys are beautiful. It is so great to practice together. Such a beautiful thing. Just wishing you all the best. It has been such a joy to practice here with you all, and it is very nice to read your comments.

Eric asked: "A phrase for Friday?"

I thought, "Would there be a phrase?" and I didn't have one, but I have changed my mind. I think I would just like to bring some vulnerability to the other four phrases. I think maybe that is a better way to support. You guys are so great; it is so much fun to teach with you all.

Lana writes: "No phrase for Friday."

Yeah, Lana, there wasn't a phrase for Friday. It was just bringing vulnerability to the other four phrases, and then those other four phrases might come alive in a particular way, in a deeper way.

Cindy writes: "See you at the daylong tomorrow Diana."

Yes, I am teaching online with IRC, doing a daylong tomorrow. Maybe I'll see somebody there.

Julie writes: "Thanks for waking up extra early this week."

Yeah, I think it is not so much waking up, it is having to teach so early. I am usually awake, but not having to speak to others!

Will writes: "You know how when you have dinner and it is time for everybody to leave but they stay at the end?"

Yeah, it is kind of like that too, right? But that is very sweet.

Question: "Can you repeat the four other phrases?"

• Monday: "I'm doing the best I can right now."
• Tuesday: "How am I right now?"
• Wednesday: "Judgment is like this."
• Thursday: "What does the heart say?"

Maybe I'll invite all of you who would like to have a phrase for Friday to make up your own phrase. What is a phrase for you that can help you with being vulnerable while you are asking these other four phrases, or just in your everyday life? I thought about words like "courage" or... there are a number of different things.

How can vulnerability help me move forward? "I am okay." "Bravely go on." Oh yeah, these are some nice phrases. Maybe just try one on, find one that works for you, that supports you.

TD says: "Mom calls is the Danish goodbyes—standing out by the car for a half hour or so more."

That's right! I maybe I am doing that, and I do do that sometimes with my friends. Like, "Okay bye," and then just hanging out talking. Yeah, doing this with you guys too.

Okay, okay. Thank you all. Thank you. What a lovely, lovely week it has been to practice with you all.

May all beings be free from difficulties and suffering, and may the practice that we did together be a support for all beings everywhere without exception.