This is an AI-generated transcript from auto-generated subtitles for the video Living Kindness: Buddhist Teachings for a Troubled World - Talk 1 (2 of 6). It likely contains inaccuracies, especially with speaker attribution if there are multiple speakers.

Living Kindness: Buddhist Teachings for a Troubled World - Talk 1 (2 of 6) - Kevin Griffin

The following talk was given by Kevin Griffin at The Sati Center in Redwood City, CA on October 08, 2023. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.

Living Kindness: Buddhist Teachings for a Troubled World - Talk 1 (2 of 6)

Reflections on the Body

Welcome everyone, those who arrived during the sit. I'd actually like to just hear from people about what came up for you in relation to your body. Particularly that first instruction to reflect on your relationship with your body, and then your relationship to your mind.

Just to frame the day a little bit, we're starting with self, which is where loving-kindness practice starts. How are we going to love others if there isn't some care and kindness towards ourselves? And then we'll work outward to others. So I don't want you to think this is all about "me," but that's kind of the starting point. So I'm just interested to hear if anything came up for people or if there were any thoughts or comments. Of course, people online are also welcome to chime in. I'm going to try to watch the chat, and Rob will pass on anything that I miss so we'll somehow get it out here.

So, you were all just sitting in complete peace and calm, and there were no difficulties or challenges. [Laughter]

Jim: Yes, my name's Jim. I've had some problems with my eyes, and it occurred to me as we were meditating that I wear glasses to improve my farsight because I'm naturally nearsighted. And that I can use meditation to develop my insight. It's a little bit like developing and polishing that new pair of glasses that looks inside and looks for that insight. With that in mind, as I was listening to what you said, it occurred to me that my body tends to absorb stress, and I can sometimes project that on other people. Your comment about replacing that with love and kindness, and then using that same way of projecting to project love, acceptance, and compassion is really, to me, a worthy insight. Thank you.

Kevin: Yeah. Great. Thank you. Others? I'm just kind of interested to hear. I know stuff came up.

Debbie: My name is Debbie. It's so nice to be here and to meet you and see everyone. I just recognized that I was having some knee issues while we were sitting here. I'm not very kind to myself when that happens. But then, we've been out recently climbing around and hiking, and I was able to do what I wanted to do for that. I was able to be more physical and active, and I was quite happy with my body at that time. It comes and goes, and the awareness that my attitude is movable—I mean, I guess I always knew that, but to really recognize it as something that I should pay more attention to and just kind of work with that. So that's what was going on with me.

Kevin: Oh, good. I like volunteering. [Laughter]

Amy: I really appreciated what you said about the body being susceptible to getting ill, being tired, being injured—that that's what the body does. I would think that on one level, I recognize that. But somehow in this moment when we were sitting with it, I had this insight of, "Oh no, I actually do expect it to be always perfect." And I get quite irritable and upset with it when there's a problem. That's not what I would have thought I was doing, but in the moment I really saw it. So thanks.

Kevin: You know, it brings to mind one of the really classic teachings in the second sutta that the Buddha gave, the Anattalakkhaṇa Sutta¹, which is the sutta on not-self. The first thing he says is, "Form is not self," meaning your body. Your body is not you. For if your body were you, you would be able to tell it to do what you wanted it to do, to look the way you wanted it to look, and to act the way you wanted it to act. It's one of the starting teachings on not-self. It's like, "Oh, I don't have control of this thing that I think is me. Well, if it's me, why can't I control it?"

Karen: I'm Karen, and I had an interesting experience looking at my body. I am a very active person; I run and I cycle, and I've always kind of relied on my body to be able to do what I want it to do. But I also have digestive issues. So the experience I had when you were guiding us was this odd mosaic of feelings. I had a feeling of gratitude to my body for being strong and healthy, but then when I focused on the center of my body, I felt this displeasure of some sort with that core part of my body. So I found myself trying to come up with a more neutral experience, sort of the unpleasant and the pleasant neutralizing each other, but it didn't really work.

Kevin: Well, it's a work in progress, as we say! Trying to sort it out. What came up as I was talking about this was how, through our lives, our relationship to our body changes so much. When you're young, you want to be older, right? You want to be bigger, stronger, and faster. And then, particularly in adolescence and your twenties, you just want to look as good as possible. Like that's the main thing. Eventually you're like, "Well, that's over." Then it gets to be just, "I just want to be able to do the stuff I want to be able to do."

And seeing, of course, that eventually it is all going to go away. How we relate to that is important, because it's one of the ways that we cling to our lives and cling to these different aspects of it. At the end of the day, we cling to the life itself. As you get old—not just older, but as you get old—then it's like, "Wow, this is not a joke anymore. This is just going to stop at one point." Anyway, I'm always full of happy thoughts. [Laughter]

The Mental Realm and the Suttas

I appreciate all of that. To me, that covered a few of the things that I wanted to bring out. So I want to move in now to the mental realm and how we think about ourselves.

As I mentioned earlier, this is kind of building from and working with ideas that are in my book, Living Kindness. The primary goal of the book was to expand people's understanding of what loving-kindness means and the four Brahmavihāras²: loving-kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy, and equanimity. Which, by the way, I went through in that meditation in case you didn't notice. When I listen to a guided meditation, I usually space out and don't hear most of what's being said. So if you're like me, I understand!

But a secondary purpose to my writing this book was to try to bring some of the suttas of the Pali Canon to people in ways that would intrigue them. Partly to get them to want to study the Pali Canon and the suttas, and partly to just appreciate that these are not just dusty old teachings that no longer have any relevance.

So I'm going to talk a little bit about the suttas themselves. This particular collection I'm holding is called the Connected Discourses of the Buddha, or in Pali, the Saṃyutta Nikāya³. It has chapters that are thematic, with a lot of smaller connected suttas. This chapter is called the Kosala Saṃyutta, the connected discourses with the Kosalan.

Kosala was a little country or principality in northeast India at the time of the Buddha. It was a place he spent a lot of time. As you probably know, the Buddha came from a royal family in the Sakya country. They were so small it's hard to call them countries, but at the time, without a lot of transportation and communication, you didn't need a big area to qualify. Because the Buddha had this princely background, he wound up having relationships with many of the kings of the other countries he would travel through. I find that interesting because it's not just that he's walking around and talking to common people—which he does—but he also has these relationships. You can imagine it was easy for him to connect with them because that was his background too. He wouldn't be intimidated walking into a situation with a king, queen, or prince. He'd fit right in.

The person from Kosala referred to here is King Pasenadi, who was a follower of the Buddha. This whole set of suttas involves conversations with him. King Pasenadi was a follower, but his wife, Queen Mallikā, was a true devotee of the Buddha. So there are certain tensions we see in that. Like when your wife is really into the Dharma teacher, and you just kind of like the Dharma teacher. You're kind of like, "I know you really like him, but what about me?" We'll get to a sutta where that comes up.

The "Dear" Sutta

This first sutta I want to talk about is called "Dear." It's very short, so I'm just going to read it to give you the flavor of the suttas.

"At Sāvatthī. Sitting to one side, King Pasenadi of Kosala said to the Blessed One..."

I'll be stopping every other line to comment. If you read the suttas, you see that whoever is addressing the Buddha, if they have any respect for him, sits to one side. You didn't just walk up and sit right in front of him and say, "Hey, I want to say something." I've never seen a scholarly reference to why that is, but it happens so often that it clearly means something, and pretty clearly, it's about respect.

So he says to the Buddha, here called the Blessed One:

"Here, venerable sir, while I was alone in seclusion, a reflection arose in my mind thus: Who now treat themselves as dear, and who treat themselves as a foe?"

This is a good question, and the one we're starting with today.

"It occurred to me: those who engage in misconduct of body, speech, and mind treat themselves as a foe. Even though they may say, 'We regard ourselves as dear,' still they treat themselves as a foe. For what reason? Because of their own accord, they act toward themselves in the same way that a foe might act towards a foe. Therefore, they treat themselves as a foe.

But those who engage in good conduct of body, speech, and mind treat themselves as dear. Even though they may say, 'We regard ourselves as a foe,' still they treat themselves as dear. For what reason? Because of their own accord, they act toward themselves in the same way that a dear person might act towards one who is dear. Therefore, they treat themselves as dear."

What I love about this sutta is that it's not saying we have to qualify or deserve to be loved by being special. The key thing is that we engage in good conduct of body, speech, and mind. That's what makes us worthy. By good conduct, he's talking about the precepts: not killing, stealing, lying, harming sexually, or using intoxicants. He's not talking about becoming rich, famous, winning a prize, or being good-looking—all the things we prize in society that make us feel "less than." What makes you dear is that you live wisely with integrity.

I think it's particularly interesting that he says, "Even though they may say we regard ourselves as a foe." Even though you have these negative thoughts about yourself—even if you think, "Oh, I'm kind of a loser"—if you're actually taking care and acting skillfully, you are treating yourself with love as a dear person. We don't necessarily even see that we're being dear.

Student: I was a little confused about the part where a person might say "we regard ourselves as a foe." Why would you say, "I regard myself as a foe"?

Kevin: It's a strange turn of phrase, but what it's saying is that you don't like yourself. You think you're not a worthy person. But if you are conducting yourself appropriately, then you're not really a bad person. Putting it in modern terms of low self-esteem and self-hatred, that's what I think it's about. Viewing yourself as a foe, as a loser. Like, "Oh God, me, I'm such an idiot."

The Mallikā Sutta

Let's go to the next sutta. It's called "Mallikā." As I said, she is the devotee of the Buddha. There's a backstory with Mallikā that I like: she was actually just a poor flower girl. Supposedly, King Pasenadi was riding through the city with his entourage, sees her, and is struck by her magnetism. Because of her great devotion to the Buddha, she had a real magnetism. He stops his chariot, buys some flowers, and eventually brings her to the palace and makes her his number one wife. We often get these conversations between the two of them. I'll read you the whole sutta:

"At Sāvatthī. Now on that occasion, King Pasenadi of Kosala had gone together with Queen Mallikā to the upper terrace of the palace. Then King Pasenadi of Kosala said to Queen Mallikā, 'Is there, Mallikā, anyone more dear to you than yourself?'"

Now, if you put yourself in the place of Queen Mallikā, and the king says to you, "Is there anyone more dear to you than yourself?" you might feel a little bit of pressure. Bhikkhu Bodhi, who translated this collection, says King Pasenadi was fishing for a compliment. He was expecting her to say, "Oh, you are more dear to me than myself." But Queen Mallikā is very wise and has a lot of integrity. She says:

"'There is no one, great king, more dear to me than myself. But is there anyone, great king, more dear to you than yourself?'"

Not only is she honest, but she puts it right back on him. He's not going to say, "Oh no, you're more dear to me," because he's already lost the conversation.

"'For me too, Mallikā, there is no one more dear than myself.'

Then King Pasenadi of Kosala descended from the palace and approached the Blessed One. Having approached, he paid homage to the Blessed One, sat down to one side, and related to the Blessed One his conversation with Queen Mallikā. Then the Blessed One, having understood the meaning of this, on that occasion recited this verse:

'Having traversed all quarters with the mind, one finds none anywhere dearer than oneself. Likewise, each person holds himself most dear. Hence, one who loves themselves should not harm others.'"

The Buddha turns this personal reflection into the Golden Rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. One who loves themselves should not harm others, because you know that each person holds themselves most dear. It's one of those things you wake up to at a certain point in your life. In my mind, the world revolves around me, but every person I see in the street feels their whole world revolves around them. It's a weird thing to realize that all this consciousness is going around feeling like the center of experience.

Love as Care

Let's go back to the initial point when Mallikā says, "There is no one more dear to me than myself." We encounter this issue in our culture so much, this idea of self-hatred. We've got this whole practice called self-compassion trying to teach people how to be kind to themselves. This reflection takes me into the meaning of the word love.

In our culture, which values a certain kind of public humility, it sometimes feels like there's something wrong or egotistical if you say something good about yourself. Humility obviously has positive qualities, but when it turns into self-judgment, self-criticism, and self-hatred, it becomes destructive. What happens is that we set up a standard by which we measure ourselves, and it's basically unattainable. Then we say we're not worthy in some way.

My view is that it's not really important what I think about myself. What's important is how I treat myself. Love is care; it's caring for someone. It's not just an emotional outpouring. Romantic love is an emotional outpouring that lasts for a little while and then passes, but that's what we call "love" in our culture. It has to be this overblown emotionality and passion that doesn't necessarily result in something beneficial. It's not uncommon for people who say they love someone to abuse or harm them through obsession.

I think love is caring for ourselves, which in traditional Buddhist terms starts with sīla—morality and good conduct. Good behavior, good speech, skillful thought.

The question I ask isn't, "What do I think about myself?" It's, "How do I treat myself?" I identify as a recovering alcoholic. I didn't think any less of myself when I was drinking and using than I do now, but the critical thing wasn't the thinking; it was the behavior. It was how I harmed myself. We know this in our family relationships. The way we show love doesn't depend on how many times you say "I love you." What I want to know is: Are you going to show up and take me to the doctor? Are you going to make breakfast, clean the kitchen, or take the garbage out? Are you going to do those things that show care for our family and community?

That's what I think Mallikā is talking about. She's not saying, "I love myself because I'm so pretty or special." It's that she cares for herself. Self-care also implies the care of others. We can't just take care of ourselves. If I'm only taking care of me and not looking at my family, friends, country, and world, then it winds up being selfish. That's not actual self-care; that's narcissism or solipsism.

If I walk around with an attitude like, "I'm such a loser because I did that, or had that thought," then I'm just creating more suffering for myself with the second arrow⁴. Rather, I should say, "I'm a human being, therefore I fail and make mistakes. I'm going to take care of myself, try not to make mistakes, and try to improve. But let me not create more suffering by setting up some unattainable ideal."

Mental Constructs and the Path (Q&A)

Raghu: The thought that came across for me was that the act of loving—actually doing something nice or helpful, cleaning the dishes, whatever—is different from the conceptualization of "I am good." Your mental construct creates a layer of interference, and those are two different things.

Kevin: I think it's so important to see that so we don't let our thoughts plunge us into unwholesome states that lead to unwholesome behavior. Just see it as, "Oh yeah, that's a thought." There's nothing wrong with having unhelpful thoughts; it's just what the mind does. My dear late friend Wes Nisker had a great line: "Your mind has a mind of its own."

If this were my mind, it would not behave the way it does. This is why teachings on kindness, acceptance, equanimity, and forgiveness are so important. We can say, "Oh, this is just the mind doing what it does. I am going to continue to take the next skillful action." When I wake up in the morning—I'm not a morning person—my attitude is, "What's the point of even getting out of bed?" But because I'm dear to myself, I get up and go through the motions. Then my mind changes, my body changes, and I remember impermanence and the need to take right action. Having the Dharma as a guiding principle keeps you on track.

Raghu: The thought that struck me is that your mental construct about your behavior, the labeling, feeds into other mental formations and creates a circular loop.

Kevin: Yes, that's why the meditative tools are so important: Right Effort, Right Mindfulness, Right Concentration. They help us interrupt that loop. We do that formally in sitting meditation, but we try to bring those principles into our lives so that when we find ourselves in the midst of that papañca⁵—that conceptual proliferation—we can stop and ask: "Where am I? What am I feeling? What is the next right thing? What is Right View in this moment?"

We have to cultivate these qualities because, as unenlightened worldlings, our minds want to go in the direction of greed, hatred, and delusion. The mind wants to grasp after things and get away from anything unpleasant. That karmic flow is deeply conditioned. This is why forgiveness and self-compassion are so important. Human conditioning goes back millions of years. It's quite a paradox of the Buddhist teachings that the things that allow us to survive are the same things that cause us suffering. You aren't going to uproot millions of years of conditioning just by your own self-will.

Student: The challenge I have is regarding Right Intention. I've been reading about Dependent Origination, and I've come to the conclusion that intention is also an effect of a cause. It's conditioned. Do you have to cling to something to get across to the other side?

Kevin: Right. It's a little like whack-a-mole. We have this conditioning, and then we make a decision to follow the Dharma. The paradox is that the person engaging in the Eightfold Path is the one who is already going in the wrong direction. We are trying to heal ourselves even though we are inherently flawed. How do we do that? As a friend of mine who told the IRS he only made $1,500 for a year said when they asked how he survives: "Very carefully."

It's a very careful process where we pay close attention to all the things undermining our effort to move skillfully. Without mindfulness, you can't have Right Intention or Right Effort. Mindfulness has to be there, examining and questioning: "Is this in harmony with the Dharma? Is this skillful?"

It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking, "In order to really be a good Buddhist, I have to attain some level of perfection or clean up all my karma." That's why the Aṅgulimāla Sutta⁶ is so helpful. You see this mass murderer who has a breakthrough in consciousness and becomes enlightened. There's no way he can make up for all the harm he's done in his life, and he continues to bear some karmic results, but he attains enlightenment. We realize we don't have to be perfect to have that breakthrough.

It's a mistake to view ourselves and think, "There are so many potholes and traps on this path that I'm never going to get there." Rather, just say, "I'm on this path. I'm doing the best I can. I don't know how this is going to unfold. All I know is that I trust the Dharma, I'm trying to live in harmony with it, and what comes out of that is out of my control."

I think we should take a little break because we've been sitting here for a while. Let's take 15 minutes for a bio break and a stretch. Thank you.