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Happy Hour: Uplifting Our Heart through Sympathetic Joy - Nikki Mirghafori

The following talk was given by Nikki Mirghafori at Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA on March 14, 2024. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.

Happy Hour: Uplifting Our Heart through Sympathetic Joy

Hello and welcome to this rendition of Happy Hour, as we come together as a community to practice these beautiful qualities of the heart.

For today's practice, I'd like to invite us to explore one of the four Brahmavihārās¹, one of the four beautiful qualities and practices of the heart. Today we focus on the third one: in Pali², it is called Muditā³. The translation is "vicarious joy" or "sympathetic joy." Basically, it is happiness for the happiness of others.

What a beautiful quality! Whenever I think of Muditā, I think of joy. It just makes me happy when I practice it. I especially practice it as an uplift when I feel like I am in the doldrums; I want to become happy, so I just practice this, and my heart and mind become happier. It is really an act of generosity. And guess who benefits from this act of generosity? We do. When we practice it, we benefit.

The Dalai Lama has said that when you are just happy for your own happiness, you have one chance of being happy. When you are happy for the happiness of others, you have seven billion chances of becoming happy—since seven billion is the population of the Earth.

A couple more words about this practice. Basically, this is Mettā⁴, or loving-kindness, which is simply friendliness and goodwill. It is the feeling of simple goodwill that we have for our friends, our neighbors, pets, or little children. When this friendliness meets someone who is having some happiness in their life—it doesn't have to be every aspect of their life, just one aspect that is going well—you feel happy for them. You feel it genuinely, as if it were your own. You let their happiness, their good fortune, uplift your heart. And it does.

Sometimes what masquerades as Muditā is pride. Pride comes with attachment. When you are really proud of something or someone, it becomes "mine." For example, if it is your child, you might think, "Oh, that means I'm a good parent." Muditā, vicarious joy, is just abundant happiness for their happiness without making it about oneself. It doesn't have those extra, unneeded attachments.

The opposite of this beautiful quality of vicarious joy is envy. This is when your heart gets tight because you want what the other person is having, as if their having it means you can't have it. If that comes up, don't berate yourself; it's okay. The way to work with it is to realize there are so many opportunities for happiness in the world. By you becoming happy for them, it doesn't diminish you. It actually uplifts your heart and gives you more capacity to have happiness for yourself in the many different ways that might be available to you.

This is a rich teaching. Of course, we could spend the whole day practicing this, but perhaps that is enough introduction. Let's engage together.

Guided Meditation

Let's get into our meditation postures, whatever that might be in this moment. Arriving. Arriving in our bodies, arriving in this moment in time, and inhabiting this body fully. Sitting with a dignified sense of uprightness.

Connecting with the sensations in your limbs, in your legs. Inviting the legs to relax and soften. Inviting the body to relax. Softening. Inviting your mind to relax. Inviting your heart to relax.

Whatever is happening in this moment, make space in the body, the mind, and the heart. Allow the breath—the in-breath and the out-breath—to be soothing, calming, and nourishing.

If any thoughts are arising, you can thank them and say, "Thank you, not now. I am giving my heart to this practice during this time. Please come back later."

Connecting with each in-breath and out-breath. Soothing. Calming. Here. Just here. You don't need to be anywhere else but here. Nourishing. Just to be here.

This is your practice. This is your life. This moment—how do you want to show up in this moment for yourself? Presence? Embodiment? Kindness? Or otherwise?

Now, I'd like to invite you to bring to mind someone with whom you have a friendly, easy relationship. Maybe when you think of them and bring them close to your heart, a smile shows up. It could also be a pet or a child.

Consider one aspect of their life where there is goodness. It doesn't have to be every aspect. Just one aspect of their life where there is goodness, and be happy for them as if it were your own goodness. The gift that was in your life.

Maybe they have a harmonious relationship with a relative, a family member, their child, their parent, or their sibling, and you are happy for them. Maybe they have a job they love. Or maybe their health is stable—stable enough—and you are happy for them. Or some other aspect of their life.

Let this happiness make you happy. Tune into the goodness of this with generosity and kindness. If it helps, you can silently say in your heart: "I'm happy for your happiness. I'm happy for you. I'm happy for your good fortune. I'm happy for this gift in your life. It delights me. I take delight as if it were my own. As if I were enjoying this blessing myself."

I can do this. My heart is larger than I give myself credit for. I can do this. I can be happy for you. Take delight in this goodness as if it were mine. As if it is mine. As if I were you. Because in some ways, we are all inter-being. In some ways, I am you, and you are me. I can relish this goodness as if I were waking up in their life, enjoying this blessing as them. Let yourself really embody it.

Stay embodied. This is not a thinking practice. Stay embodied in your body. This practice doesn't mean you start thinking about all the things you like or they have. Feel into it. Feeling with each breath. Feeling into the joy, the gladness, the generosity of your happiness for them. As if it's yours. And it becomes yours. It becomes your happiness.

If the person or situation you've chosen is not working, it's okay to bow and choose someone else. No judgment.

And then, turning this Muditā—happiness for happiness—towards yourself. Is there something about you in this moment that you are happy about? That you are grateful for in this moment?

There is a bird outside my window, and it sounds so sweet. I feel happy for me, that I am able to hear this melodious birdsong. I am happy for my own happiness.

See if you can find something in this moment. Maybe a sound. Or a part of your body feels comfortable and easeful. Maybe gratitude for the meal you've just eaten or are about to eat. A shelter you have. Whatever it might be. A friendship you have. Happy for your own happiness, which is basically gratitude.

"I'm happy for my own good fortune." Again, it doesn't have to be in every aspect of your life, but one aspect. One thing. It can be as simple as a bird outside your window.

And as we turn to bring this practice to a close, allow yourself to be happy that you have access to the Dharma. You are practicing. Not judging your practice, but feeling gladdened that you are practicing, that you have access, that you've met the Dharma and these beautiful teachings. "Yay, happy for my own happiness!" And that you get to practice in community. There are so many causes and conditions that have brought this moment to be. Delight, joy, gratitude.

Sharing this goodness with all beings everywhere. Planting seeds of generosity and kindness. May they serve all beings everywhere in ways I cannot imagine. Serving all beings, including myself.

Thanks, everyone. Thanks for your practice.

Reflections and Q&A

I feel much of an uplift from this practice, and I hope you do as well. Whatever happened is fine, of course.

We have an opportunity now to engage and share our joy practice together. The inquiry for the small groups is: What are you grateful for?

You go around and round. Each person will share one nugget—something you are grateful for. Then the next person will share something they are grateful for. And then the third person. And then you go around again. We've done this practice before; it is a joy-producing practice. Believe me, you can find something you are grateful for. Again, it could be as simple as the sound of the bird outside.

Note: The group entered breakout rooms for the exercise and then returned.

Nikki: Welcome back everyone. What did you discover in your practice today? I would love to invite those who haven't spoken in the large group to come forward, and those who have to pull back, to make space for those who usually don't speak up.

Barbara: I was in a group with two people that were new to the group, and so it was a wonderful way to begin. We each shared just one little thing and went around and around. We just kept thinking of more things we were feeling grateful for. It was a beautiful way to begin the Happy Hour with you.

Nikki: Nice. Oh, sweet! That makes me so happy. Barbara, as someone who has been coming to Happy Hour for many years, you were greeting folks who were here for the first time with this fun, joyful practice. That makes my heart happy.

Fred: As a bookend to what Barbara just said, I was in a group with people I've come to know now for several years. That was wonderful. I think most of us felt real gratitude for one another, but also for so many others that we see on the screen here, and for you, Nikki, for being able to be part of this practice many times a week.

Nikki: Thank you for that bookending comment, Fred. That brings joy to my heart in a different way—for the established connections through this Happy Hour over the many years. Gratitude also for this community, and for all the causes and conditions that brought many years of Happy Hour together.

I see a question that was sent to me: "Hi Nikki, can you talk about how comparing oneself to others relates to today's practice?"

That's a great question. Comparison is the thief of joy. Basically, if one wants to become miserable, one compares experiences: "Oh, this wasn't as good as that," or "That was a letdown." Comparing, instead of meeting everyone and every experience anew.

Regarding comparing oneself—which is more the question—what is really helpful is to consider that each person, each being, is born of all the causes and conditions of their life that are so unique to them. I can only be me. I can only be the best version of Nikki I can possibly be. I can't be anybody else because I haven't had the causes and conditions of their birth, their genetics, their upbringing, their education. It's not possible.

So, comparing ourselves to others is kind of crazy. It doesn't make sense with eyes of wisdom. If I compare myself to another person, I have to compare every cause and condition—go back through years of history of their parents, their grandparents, their great-grandparents. I can just compare myself to the best version of me. That's all I can do. I hope that helps bring a different perspective to loosen that comparative mind.

Claire: Still in New York and still happy in New York! I thought it was very interesting that two of the three of us keep a daily gratitude list, which I totally recommend to everybody else because it makes such a difference.

Nikki: Great. I love that, Claire. You are the poster child for gratitude practice! If it works, you gotta sell it.

Claire: We almost had a chance to hear Richard play his guitar, too.

Nikki: Oh, that's sweet. Thanks, Claire. What you said reminded me of my own practice. I realized I've been so jet-lagged recently after traveling to India that I kind of lost my habit pattern. I'm so glad you brought it up because I think I'm going to do that again. My practice is that when I go to bed at night, before I fall asleep, I go through everything that happened through the day with an uplift—"Oh yay, that happened. Yay, I sent that email." Just a little ding of gratitude.

Diana: Well, you just said what I was going to say! What I do before I go to bed at night is write down a grateful list. Not just two or three things; sometimes it just explodes. But I also write why I'm grateful. It doesn't take long. I've learned I like to do it then because when I wake up in the morning, I tend to be very clear and feel good. It's a wonderful way to wake up in the morning with a smile on my face.

Nikki: Beautiful. That reminds me of a gratitude researcher who said that counting your blessings is a much better way to fall asleep than counting sheep.

Participant (via chat): "Thank you, that's very helpful. I often judge myself for not doing what I think others are doing, even if I have chosen not to do those things with some intention. I know this isn't beneficial so it helps to have lots of tools to address it."

Nikki: Thank you for sharing your reflection. Comparison is something that we all do, and it's helpful to have tools to address it. It's not right, it's not wise, it's not helpful—and yet we do it. It belittles us.

Neil: I'm going to say I'm new because every day is new. Something I found I did today... I was thinking about my wife. She really digs our dog and it brings her such great joy. So I was thinking about that, and then I remembered that she had spoken about getting a dog when she was young and how much joy that brought her.

It was very interesting because thinking of her as a young child having joy... it was like whoosh, it opened the floodgates. That was a very interesting thing because other people, I'm pretty sure, have been young and happy kids too. So it seemed like a new trick—a new arrow in the arrow thingy, I forget what it's called—to use to help appreciate others: thinking about them when they were kids.

Nikki: Yeah, beautiful Neil. I'm so glad to hear you say that. And regarding the "arrow thingy"—the quiver! It's like being a cupid of your own heart. "Here's another arrow, sweetie, I'm going to open up your floodgates thinking of someone that you care about being grateful and happy as a child." What a beautiful twist on that. I appreciate your experimenting. This is how these practices work; we just experiment and whoa, we come to a gold mine.

Rain: What was great for me is... I have seven sisters and I'm really close to my sister Gabrielle. She lives in New York and I don't get to visit her often. I was thinking about all the ways I was so happy about her happy marriage. She has a son, and it's really a little love nest there. They had a lot of fun with the snow in New York. It was just like I had visited her; it was such a warm feeling.

Nikki: Oh beautiful, Rain. As you're talking, you're almost inviting me viscerally into this joyous connection that you have. Embodiment. It feels so embodied, alive, and rich.

Richard: I just want to tell you I do a joyful form of Tonglen⁵ where I breathe in the happiness of others and breathe out my happiness to them.

Nikki: Oh my God, I love it! That's great, Richard. We should try that, all of us together. Maybe next time I'll try that at Happy Hour.

I see in the chat that both Neil and Erica clarified that the "arrow thingy" is called the quiver. So now we know! And one person shared a reflection from their meeting room: "I am grateful and happy to also share the silence with both of you." What a gift to be able to share silence with one another.

So dear ones, we've come to the end of our time together. I'm uplifted and feel more connected to you. Whether it's imagining your partner as a child enjoying a dog, or visiting your sister, or taking arrows from your quiver. Thank you all for your practice. May our practice be a cause and condition for wisdom, compassion, and joy for ourselves and all beings everywhere. May all beings be happy. May all beings be free.