This is an AI-generated transcript from auto-generated subtitles for the video Happy Hour: Reflecting on the Good Fortune of Having Good Friends (AN 11.13). It likely contains inaccuracies, especially with speaker attribution if there are multiple speakers.

Happy Hour: Reflecting on the Good Fortune of Having Good Friends (AN 11.13) - Nikki Mirghafori

The following talk was given by Nikki Mirghafori at Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA on December 19, 2023. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.

Happy Hour: Reflecting on the Good Fortune of Having Good Friends (AN 11.13)

Hello friends, and welcome to Happy Hour! If you can hear me okay, give me a thumbs up. Audio is good? Fantastic. I'm Nikki in Mountain View, California, on unceded Ohlone land, welcoming you to this rendition of Happy Hour. As always, we start by saying hello, where we're zooming in from, and just bringing our goodwill to the space. So take it away, sangha¹, who's here? Who wants to say hi?

(Various greetings from attendees in different locations: Colorado, Sacramento, New York, San Diego, Connecticut, Quito, Palo Alto, San Francisco, New Hampshire, Oakland, Washington D.C., Minnesota...)

How nice, the sangha has assembled. My heart is already warm. I find myself smiling with all the hellos from these different places in the world and different time zones. We are also live on YouTube, and folks are joining us from there as well.

I think the space is warmed up; I feel warmed up. I'll ask you to mute yourself if you are unmuted. Thank you to Neil for posting information about the Happy Hour Google group in the chat. If you're new to Happy Hour, we have a low-traffic mailing list you're welcome to join. There is also a little document about how to offer care, kindness, and safety to yourself and others if you engage in the breakout rooms we're going to have, which is a lovely part of Happy Hour.

At this time, I'm changing the settings so that unmuting oneself won't be possible, so the space stays quiet. I've also changed the chat settings so messages only come to the host, myself, but I ask you to keep the chat channel quiet. Otherwise, it can be rather distracting for me to receive chats while I'm teaching. I'll open it up later for reflections. Last but not least, I'll turn on audio recording for the sake of AudioDharma.

The Good Fortune of Having Good Friends

Hello everyone, and welcome again to Happy Hour. It's lovely to be with you. There is a theme I want to bring in today about spiritual friends, spiritual friendships, and about good friends. This passage in the sutta² was shared with me earlier today by my good friend Diana Clark. Diana and I used to hold Happy Hour together for a long time. We were both delighting in this teaching from the suttas that neither of us knew the significance of until now.

This is from the Anguttara Nikaya³ 11.13. As you might have noticed, if you've been practicing meditation and the Dharma⁴ for a while, often in the teachings we take refuge, or take trust, in the Triple Gem⁵: the Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha. We have both the external Buddha and the internal Buddha, having trust in our own ability to wake up. The Dharma refers to both the Dharma with a capital 'D', the teachings of the Buddha, and the dharma with a small 'd', which is the lawful way things unfold. The third one is usually the sangha, the community of practitioners and spiritual friends who support us. We can think of the sangha not just as the practitioners throughout 2,700 years passing on the teachings, but also the people who are practicing together right now, for example on Zoom.

What's lovely about this sutta is that the Buddha offers beautiful reflections. He gets to recollecting the realized one, recollecting the teachings, and then for the third one, we kind of expect the usual: we expect the sangha. But he actually says, "Furthermore, you should recollect your good friends." Isn't that sweet? You should recollect your good friends.

The sutta continues, recollecting: "I am fortunate, so very fortunate, to have good friends who advise and instruct me out of kindness and compassion. In this way, you should establish mindfulness internally based on good friends." It just makes me happy. Isn't that such a sweet teaching about good friends and friendships?

I'm going to read that one more time: "Firstly, you should recollect the realized one. Furthermore, you should recollect the teachings... And furthermore, you should recollect your good friends: 'I am fortunate, so very fortunate, to have good friends who advise and instruct me out of kindness and compassion.' In this way, you should establish mindfulness internally based on good friends." Such a beautiful sutta. The reference is Anguttara Nikaya 11.13 if you wanted to look at it later.

For those who are familiar with the Four Foundations of Mindfulness Sutta (Satipatthana Sutta)⁶, where the Buddha talks about establishing mindfulness externally and internally in the body, with vedanā⁷ (feeling tone), mind states, as well as the dhammas⁸, this is another way. Diana and I had never seen this before: "You should establish mindfulness internally based on good friends." We're used to the body, we're used to mind states, but good friends? It's a lovely teaching.

That is one of the bases for our teaching tonight: for us to reflect, "I'm fortunate, so very fortunate to have friends who advise and instruct me out of kindness and compassion." Given that you are joining Happy Hour, you have good friends who are cultivating their hearts towards kindness and compassion, and we support each other in this way. It gladdens my heart to be in this community.

Guided Meditation

Without further ado, let us practice together. Let's land. Let's arrive in our bodies.

Feeling our sit bones on the cushion or the chair. Offering the weight of our upper body to the cushion, relaxing. As if, with each out-breath, we're sinking a centimeter deeper into the chair. Feeling the bottom of our feet on the earth. With each out-breath, letting our feet sink a little more deeply into the earth.

While we feel groundedness and sinking, let us also feel the uprightness, the uplift. The heart, the mind, feeling uplifted towards the skies. Both rooted and uplifted. With every in-breath, feeling our aspiration. Lifting up, letting ourselves settle. With this in-breath and this out-breath, relaxing and receiving.

Letting awareness receive this in-breath, this out-breath. Spaciously letting the heart be spacious, expansive. Letting the breath be interesting, fulfilling, nourishing, calming, and soothing to the heart and mind in this moment. Collecting. Gathering.

I'd like to invite you, if you would, to bring to mind one good friend. One good friend, especially if you appreciate their kindness, their compassion. Establishing mindfulness internally with the reflection of this good friend.

The kindness and compassion doesn't have to be in every aspect of their life. Just as you know them, let your heart light up with this goodness, this sense of feeling fortunate to have this good friend. Not so much thinking about it—this is not a thinking practice—but when you connect with this good friend in your heart internally, let's breathe in and out with the goodness of it. Feel their felt sense, their image, the goodness of their friendship.

This is your kalyāṇa-mitta⁹, a word that means beautiful or wholesome friendship. If you find your mind going towards unwholesome or unbeautiful friendships, bring your mind back to just one wholesome kalyāṇa-mitta. Also know that in Buddhism, all teachers are considered to be kalyāṇa-mittas, spiritual wholesome friends, not gurus. So you are my kalyāṇa-mitta, and I'm yours.

The Buddha recommends: "Recollect your good friends. I'm fortunate, so very fortunate, to have good friends who advise and instruct me out of kindness and compassion. In this way, you should establish mindfulness internally based on good friends."

Let your heart be uplifted. Brightness internally.

As we turn to bring this sitting practice to a close, one last time, bring the sense of these good friends to your heart internally. Let your heart be uplifted. How fortunate, how fortunate in this lifetime. Let the reflection right in your heart and mind internally establish awareness and mindfulness now.

Can you consider yourself a good friend to yourself in this moment? May I be a good friend to myself. May I treat myself with kindness and compassion. Advise myself kindly, compassionately. As the Buddha said, advise and instruct myself with kindness and compassion.

May I be a good friend to myself. May all beings everywhere be a good friend to themselves and to others. May all beings be free. May all beings be happy, including ourselves.

Thank you all so much. I feel happier after this meditation; my heart feels uplifted. Thank you for your practice.

Small Group Practice

For our small group practice today, the invitation is that as we go around, each person offers one thing that you appreciate about your good friend. One person might say, "I appreciate that my good friend also practices and loves the Dharma," and everyone appreciates that. Then the next person offers one thing: "What I appreciate about my good friend is that they're very kind; when I'm sick, they check in to see if I need anything." We honor and appreciate that goodness.

It comes back to you, and maybe you offer something again about the same friend or another good friend. You don't have to name them or tell a long story, just what you appreciate. Let your heart be uplifted, and let other people's hearts be uplifted. There's so much goodness in the world.

This is the invitation for cultivating our goodwill, kindness, and appreciating goodness. I'm going to create the breakout rooms. Be kind to yourselves, be kind to one another. Please note that it is not appropriate to ask questions or offer advice. Each person is offering basically for their own reflection. If you didn't understand what somebody said, it's okay, let it go. It's a stone soup we're creating together in this wholesome way, just honoring everything everyone says.

I'm creating the rooms. Let's go in reverse alphabetical order. If you can, turn on your camera; it really helps support the breakout groups. Thank you so much, I'm opening the rooms now.

Reflections

We have some time for reflections about the practice, how this was for you. You can share anything you noticed with the sangha, both for their benefit and yours to be held witness. You can also type in chat. If you type your reflections to me privately, I'll only read your reflections, not your name. If it's to everyone, I'll read your name. I see three hands up. Lots of reflections! Let's hear from Leo first.

Leo: I was wondering if you could provide more insight into that wording, "develop mindfulness internally." What's the other kind of mindfulness? Was that externally? What does that look like? Give me two examples.

Nikki: How many hundreds do you want? In the Satipatthana Sutta, where a lot of teachings on mindfulness are pulled from, the Buddha talks about the four foundations of mindfulness: mindfulness of the body, mindfulness of vedanā (feeling tone), mindfulness of mind states, and mindfulness of the dhammas. For every single one of them, the Buddha talks about mindfulness internally and externally. You are instructed to establish mindfulness internally, externally, and then internally and externally together.

In the West, we especially think of mindfulness or awareness as always internal. But it's not just internal. For example, if you're interacting with someone, you want to be mindful in your speech and conduct, but you don't want it to be entirely internal. You want to be aware of their body language, what they're feeling, and their responses. So your awareness is external, as well as internal and external together. Does that help?

Leo: It does. Great.

Nikki: Megan, please.

Megan: I was just reflecting on the gift of friendship. For me, what has been wonderful is this friend not just accepting me as I am, but also allowing me to show up for her. It's a gift when she lets me be there. It's both ways. I was trying to tell her this today because she was feeling overwhelmed by how much I've shown up. I was trying to tell her that it's a gift for me as well.

Nikki: Thank you, Megan. Thanks so much for bringing this into the space. It is a gift when others allow us to be generous with our presence and kindness. Accepting that gift is another act of generosity on their part. Helen, please.

Helen: I shared in my little group about a very special friendship and love in my life: my dog. There are two aspects why I say so. First, my dog sets an example for me because she's always in the present moment. The second thing is that she has unconditional love for me and for everybody she is in contact with. Any little thing I do for her, she shows great appreciation. I just feel like she's the love of my life, my comfort, and I really appreciate having her.

Nikki: Thank you, Helen. My heart is so happy hearing your love and care for your dog, and hers for you. The unconditionality of the love to and from pets is such a lovely feeling to inspire mettā¹⁰ (loving-kindness) and gratitude. Thanks for bringing our furry friends in. Fred, please.

Fred: Thank you, Nikki. I was thinking of a close friend who's really involved in practice and Dharma study, and how wonderful it is to have somebody to do that with. But then I was also thinking of friends who would utterly reject this idea, who would have no interest at all in anything spiritual or Buddhist. Yet, they are great friends who provide all the love and consistency. There's just so many ways in which friendship can manifest in our lives. It's wonderful to have a lot of variety, and to not have any external requirements beyond what the experience of friendship actually is. As long as it's there at a deep level as a mutually sustaining arrangement, then it's all great.

Nikki: Thank you, Fred. Thanks for sharing your words of wisdom about friendship. What you shared is really the unconditional acceptance of the care and the friendship that's there.

A couple of reflections coming through chat. One person privately says, "Appreciate relationships from the past that have arisen and passed away, making us who we are and supporting us." Jerry says, "Being silent with kind thoughts while looking at someone can communicate a great deal of loving-kindness."

A reflection about the small groups: we really ask you not to cross-talk. That restraint, that pulling back, is very helpful for everyone to feel safe. We really ask you to respect that, even though it's tempting to comment on what somebody else has said.

One of you says, "My cat radiates mettā." That's very sweet. Somebody is commenting on how cute Jake's dog is. Mima, we'll come to you, please.

Mima: Thank you, Nikki. I really appreciate this topic because it helped me see how my life is peppered with so many different types of personalities, how I love these people, and how they love me. It took my focus off of other things and rightfully put it where it belonged, to light up my heart and see how much I truly value the friends I have in my life right now.

Nikki: Thank you for that pure word of joyous appreciation, which gives rise to joy in my heart for you, Mima. It's vicarious joy, muditā¹¹. Beautiful. When we have joy and appreciation for the friends and good fortune in our life, it supports others to do the same.

Dear ones, thank you so much for your participation, your practice, and your support for one another in Happy Hour. May we all appreciate the good fortune in our lives and our friendships. May we spread and share our own goodness with friends and all beings everywhere. May all beings be well. May all beings be happy, including ourselves. Thanks everyone.