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Happy Hour: I Am the Principal Beneficiary of My Goodwill - Nikki Mirghafori

The following talk was given by Nikki Mirghafori at Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA on December 07, 2023. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.

Happy Hour: I Am the Principal Beneficiary of My Goodwill

Introduction

Great. So hello and welcome, everyone. It's wonderful to be with you, this community that comes together from around the world, cultivating our hearts in kindness, in goodwill, for the sake of ourselves and for the sake of others.

As I shared on Monday, last week I was leading a residential silent retreat at Spirit Rock, teaching with my dear friend and teacher Sylvia Boorstein¹. In her teachings, she infuses mettā²—kindness—just infused with everything she says and does. It is just such a beautiful, inspiring way that she shows up, and that's who she is, who she has become. One sentence that she shared in her teachings, she repeated multiple times, and it really struck me. That sentence, that sentiment, which is so true, is: "I am the principal beneficiary of my own goodwill. Of my own kindness. I am the principal beneficiary of my own goodwill."

That struck me, because it is true. It is so true. We often think we're cultivating kindness as we do for other beings. "May you be well, may you be happy." We cultivate compassion for other beings who are suffering. And of course, it might seem that we are—and we truly are. Others benefit as well: people in our lives, people around us, our loved ones, our family, our friends. People at the grocery store, the checkout counter, people behind us in line, people who are driving with us on the highway. People benefit, of course, from our own goodwill. But we benefit the most. We are the principal beneficiary of our own goodwill.

Because when our mind or hearts are imbued with kindness, with goodwill, they become non-sticky. Our heart, our mind becomes non-sticky. We are much freer. We have much more freedom. We suffer less. Things become non-sticky because we have our own goodwill that is turned towards us, and it's turned towards others. We don't keep stewing in resentments towards others. Which, of course, who's getting hurt when we're resentful? We're the principal person who's becoming hurt when we're resentful, or angry, or upset, or reactive, or greedy, or you name it. You name a dozen unhelpful, unwholesome states of mind that hurt us the most. So as we cultivate goodwill, as we cultivate kindness, we are the principal beneficiary of our own goodwill.

I think that is so profound. So I want to spend this session, this day, with the profundity of this teaching, of this realization, as we turn our hearts to kindness. So that is the preamble, and I think I've said enough to set up the stage. So let's turn to sit together.

Guided Meditation

We need to move so that we're sitting comfortably. Sitting upright with our back straight as much as possible, or if we're lying down, let our backs be upright. Straighten the spine, with as much integrity in our posture as possible.

Relaxing this body. Relaxing this body. Relaxing into the chair, the cushion. Offering the weight of the body to the earth. Finding refuge in the simplicity of this moment.

With each in-breath, bringing more ease. Breathing in more kindness, lightness, lightness of heart, expansiveness, friendliness. And with each out-breath, breathing out kindness, goodwill. Breathing in kindness, goodwill for this body that is mine, that is ours. This body that's doing its best. This mind. With every out-breath, breathing out goodwill, kindness to others.

Thoughts arise, as they will inevitably do. Thoughts arise, and we find ourselves thinking about the past, the future. It's okay. Realize what's happening and don't kick the puppy. Notice the puppy might be tired, restless, the puppy of your mind. Maybe call it, "Oh dear restless puppy, it's okay. Come back, sweetie, come rest on my lap. Come take refuge in this moment."

Calming, soothing, gathering, collecting our hearts and minds in the refuge of goodwill, the refuge of kindness. If someone comes up in our heart space, mind space, wishing them well and returning to the breath. And with each breath, wishing this being, this body, this being who is me, well. Resting. This being is doing their best. And as Suzuki Roshi³ said, "You are perfect as you are, and there is room for improvement."

May I meet this moment fully. May I meet this moment as a friend.

Now, if you like, turning to this teaching that "I am the principal beneficiary of my own goodwill." Dropping this in as a reflection into your body, into your heart. Not your head, but into your body, and letting it resonate. That it is okay for this being who is me to be the principal beneficiary. It's okay. Letting it be nourishing. Letting this teaching be inspiring.

And maybe to let this reflection resonate, maybe the meaning or the scope of the concept "I" will expand. I am the principal beneficiary of my own goodwill. You think about it, just drop it in. See different impressions, reflections that might arise. Hold some reflections. If you start to spin out, please let it go. Just come back to the breath and sit silently.

I am the principal beneficiary of my own goodwill. Just drop it in your body, your heart, without thinking about it. Let it work through you.

I am the principal beneficiary of my own goodwill.

I am the principal beneficiary of my goodwill.

And as we turn to bring this sit to a close, dropping this reflection one last time as if it were the sound of a bell resonating in this body: I am the principal beneficiary of my goodwill. Let it touch your heart, your limbs, every cell of your body. And could perhaps, for a moment, the "I" dissolve? The beneficiary of my goodwill. And the "I" can dissolve, perhaps for a moment. Perhaps there is no boundary between I, you, me, them. The beneficiary of my goodwill. The "I" can be so expansive, impersonal.

Beneficiary of my goodwill. Me, all beings everywhere, including this being who is me, benefit from my goodwill. May all beings be well. May all beings be free.

Group Exploration

So everyone, thank you for your practice. There are so many ways this teaching—"I am the principal beneficiary of my goodwill" (and I decided the "own" was extra, I don't think Sylvia was putting the "own" in, maybe that was my extra addition)—there are so many ways that this can show up in our hearts and our minds. The more we reflect on it, the more dimensions of this teaching can come up.

So I'd like to invite us to explore this teaching together in small groups. Each person is invited to explore: what is one way that you are the principal beneficiary of your goodwill in your life? In your daily life, in your interaction with others, with how you treat yourself, how you treat others, your mind, your body. Just different ways.

The invitation is we'll be in small groups, and the order will be alphabetical by first name. The first person will explore: "Well, I realize that if I have goodwill towards myself, and if I'm not self-judgmental so much, that goodwill really benefits me. It's really a way that I can be in the world with more freedom and more ease." So that's one way this practice, this teaching, shows up for me. Then the next person can do an exploration: "Well, I realize if I'm really angry at someone, and if I have goodwill towards them and perhaps see their side of the story, my heart lets go. I'm less angry. I'm less clinging to being right, clinging to being the righteous one. And actually, I benefit from my goodwill to the other person, but I benefit more because I suffer less," or whatever it might be.

So the next person can say something, or they can say "pass", and you just go around and round exploring together. Not teaching, not edifying, but just exploring with one another and trying to go deeper and deeper, supporting yourself. This is such a rich teaching, and it's wonderful to have this dharma group that's interested in these teachings to unpack these teachings with one another. Just honoring each other, not asking questions, not directing, but just really bringing your curiosity, your humility, your interest, your goodwill.

So that's my invitation for our exploration today, and I would love to hear what you discover when you come out on the other side. I'm going to create the groups now and invite you as always to be kind to yourself, to one another. I'm opening the rooms now.

Reflections and Q&A

Welcome back, everyone. I would love to hear from you: what did you discover in this exploration? Was there something that became clear to you, that revealed itself to you from this exploration? You're welcome to raise your hand to share your discovery or reflection, especially if you haven't shared for a while. I'm also going to change the chat settings now, and you can put your reflections in chat, either privately to me, in which case I won't read your name, or to everyone, in which case I will read your name. Mima, I see your hand. Please.

Mima: I shared in the group that I felt a major shift in my body when you took the "I" out. I felt like when we were saying "I am," I could see that. But when we took the "I" out, it was global. All of a sudden there were no barriers, we were one, and I was really moved by that. I'm still feeling the reverberation of taking the "I" out—how big that is to take that out. Thank you, Nikki.

Nikki: Thank you so much, Mima. I'm so happy to hear your practice reflection and how this invitation impacted you. I'm just delighted; that was my hope that that would be the outcome. Because really, this teaching about how we take things so personally—it is impersonal, and yet if we try to get rid of ourself, it becomes like a fight. But then when the "I" just drops away ever so gently, it kind of drops away and it's like, "Wow, this is expansive." There's this goodwill that can be expansive and beautiful for the benefit of this being and all beings. Great. Lovely, thank you, Mima. Bill, I see your hand.

Bill: Hello. In the group, I had just a small observation that occurred to me for the first time, which is that love and patience are so intertwined. I have to slow down to show concern for others, and the rushing and being impatient is part of self-involvement. Just a quick thing. Thank you, that's all I wanted to say.

Nikki: Awesome, thank you. How did you say it, Bill? That impatience and rushing is part of self-involvement?

Bill: Yes, I think that's what I said. Yeah.

Nikki: Beautiful. It's brilliant. It's so interesting. I notice that if I'm rushing, I get tight. My body gets tight, and my vision gets smaller, and my perspective gets smaller. Tight, tight, tight. The relationship between the self-involvement—the self, the "I" that we dropped away so gently—and kindness, benevolence, and goodwill. Thank you, Bill, that was lovely. Any other reflections you'd like to share? Either in chat or by raising your hand. This has already been so rich.

Sara: Hi, and thank you. This was a great practice. In our group, we also had this conversation about the "I" dropping and just opening the heart and letting the others in. I was also thinking about this concept of non-self or not-self⁴ that is very central in Buddhist teachings. Sometimes I start philosophizing about it so much, the mind becomes like, "Wow, what is it? What does it mean? What should I do? How can I achieve that?" Like this is so grand, I can't even think about it. And yet what you said made it so achievable. It can be such a simple thing, just opening your heart and letting the other person in, and it just drops.

This also came to mind recently: I listened to Joseph Goldstein⁵ talking to Dan Harris⁶ about nirvana⁷, which is a great talk. He talked about these moments, these maybe fleeting moments of experiencing nirvana where this "I" is dropping and you can expand. I really like that, and just connecting it to what you just said. So thank you.

Nikki: Thank you so much, Sara. This is lovely. Many moments of nirvana and self-involvement. I want to say it positively because yes, we want to take care of this being who is me—care for it, be kind to it, dress it, feed it. It's not that we completely drop it away, but sometimes we're so concerned about how this self is perceived and seen. There's a lot of "selfing", which is not helpful. Selfing is not the same as taking care of oneself, one's being.

And yet it can drop. It's not this hoity-toity ideal; it's very practical. And here I hear that it made sense for you, like, "Yeah, that's what they're talking about, these Buddhists!" It's easier than I think. Just dropping the self-concern and relaxing a little bit. This "I". Beautiful. Thanks, Sara. I'm just absolutely delighted.

As Sylvia was saying in this retreat, the first book that she ever wrote, the title was It's Easier Than You Think. She said if she had to do it all over again, she would have the title be It's Easier Than You Think, and the subtitle would be It's Harder Than You Imagine. Because our imagination makes it kind of hard in a way. So thank you for that.

Jerry says in the chat, "Being vulnerable is a gift of goodwill and of beneficence, and it's not transactional, especially when it is truly vulnerable." Beautiful. Thank you, Jerry.

So thank you all. Thank you for your practice, for cultivating your hearts, your minds, for the benefit of ourselves as we are the principal beneficiary. "I am the principal beneficiary"—and then, who is this "I"? Letting it drop. May your practice be expansive, may it be of service to yourself and all beings everywhere. May all beings be well. May all beings be free. Thanks everyone. Take good care. Be well.