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Happy Hour: The Happiness of Release - Nikki Mirghafori

The following talk was given by Nikki Mirghafori at Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA on November 26, 2024. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.

Happy Hour: The Happiness of Release

Hello and welcome everyone to Happy Hour. There are so many relevant themes to practice with today. It is the week of Thanksgiving in the US, which is a holiday for giving thanks. It is also "giving season." Holidays are seasons of generosity of heart and letting go.

Letting go is both a gesture of release and—I love this word in Pali¹—cāga². Cāga is the movement of the heart that opens and lets go. It is both a gesture of letting go—letting go of resentment, or if you are getting together with family this week and seeing them in a particular way, letting go of all of that. It is letting go of stuff you don't need, physical stuff or emotional baggage. Just letting go, putting it down. Cāga, cāga.

It is the same word, cāga, which also means a heart that is generous, a heart that is giving. It is the same action of opening the hand to give to someone else. It is different from dāna³. We think of dāna as the act of giving itself, or the gift that is given. But cāga is a heart that is generous, that lets go. When I learned this years ago, I became so happy with this idea: the heart that lets go. The same action of the heart that opens up and doesn't cling to things, resentments, thoughts, or possessions is the same movement of the heart that lets go to somebody else, is generous, and gives.

Maybe we will practice with that theme tonight. The connection to Happy Hour is that this movement of the heart, cāga, brings happiness. Letting go brings happiness. It brings joy. Have you noticed, for example, if you have cleaned up the clutter in your home and given it all away, there is so much happiness, lightness, and joy? "Okay, great, I gave it all away. Just cleared up." It is the same with putting down something that no longer serves in the heart.

Also with generosity, when you give something to someone, when you give a gift, you are the one who is happy. The Buddha says that the happiness of generosity comes before giving the gift, while giving the gift, and after giving the gift. Before you give the gift: "Oh yay, giving them a gift!" The heart is happy. Are they going to like it? Maybe, maybe not, it doesn't matter. You are going to be generous. You can celebrate your own generosity. While you are giving it, give with a heart of happiness. And after you have given, reflect on it and allow this cāga, this release into making someone else happy, to move you.

As I am talking about this, I just realized this is one formula or way I can talk about it: cāga, letting go, makes you happy. When you put something down, when you release, you make yourself happy. Also, when that cāga is an act of generosity and you are giving something to others, you make both yourself and others happy. Cāga can show up in different ways.

Guided Meditation

Let's practice together. Let's land. Let's land in our postures. Let's arrive and let go.

Let go. Put it down. Release. It is a release; it is not a throwing down. It is not a disliking or hating. It is none of that. It is a release in the same way that you would release a helium balloon. Ah, you let it go.

Let go of any tension. Relax into the chair. When I invite you to let go of tension, again, not all of it is possible to release, but maybe let go of the tightening that we can let go of. If you are aware that some muscles are being held tight—maybe you are holding tight your forehead and you are not quite aware of it until I mention it—oh yeah, I can release. I can release around the eyes, the sockets. I can let my forehead relax. Oh, my jaw. Wow, feel the tension there. I can relax. Let go of the extra tightness, the holding that is not needed, the extra effort that is not needed right now.

Maybe your hands or your fists are being clenched out of habit, unbeknownst to you. You can soften. Let go of this tightening that is not needed. Notice in your own way, in your body, the holdings and tightenings that could be released. Let go. Release some more. And then, a little more. Challenge yourself to release just a little more into deep letting go.

Relaxation and letting go of thoughts. There are stories that keep coming. Thank you. Smilingly release them right now. "Later. I'll come back to you later." Release as much as can be released.

And see how the mind knowing can connect with the breath, the in-breath and out-breath. There can be more release, letting go with every out-breath. That is our practice right now. Very simple.

Each out-breath is a new opportunity for release, for letting go. Maybe a thought has arisen, a story. "Don't need this one right now." Release. Thank you, release. Release into ease, into peace.

That is our practice. Keep releasing. Keep releasing into peace, into ease. Powerful practice. Simple, but powerful. Keep letting go. Keep clearing the clutter of your body, your mind. Keep letting go, gently, lovingly releasing with every out-breath.

Let go. Make space. Make space in your mind, your heart, your body, and your life.

Keep letting go. Keep releasing. Keep dropping. Imagine feeling embodied, feeling as if you are grasping a heavy rock, and then you open your hand. You let it go. Drop the heavy rock. You can imagine releasing a feather. Letting go. The same gesture of opening your hand, letting go. Whatever your mind takes a hold of, the instruction is to let go of the grasp of the mind. Release. Release gently. Release. Let it drop. This is a powerful practice that can really settle the mind into samādhi⁴ and deep peace.

Now, as we have been practicing with releasing and letting go, tune into how release brings both peace and ease. This quiet contentment that is glad, that is happy. This more space brings happiness and contentment for you, for me, the person who is doing this practice.

I would like to invite you, for the last few minutes, to imagine releasing onto someone else something you have. Maybe your time, your affection, your kind words. Maybe a smile. Maybe a resource you have to another being or organization. Whatever comes up. Or perhaps recollecting and remembering this act of cāga, letting go, generosity. You have released, you have given someone something you have had, and see how that brings ease, happiness, and expansiveness. Feel into it. Celebrate it. It is the same movement of the heart.

Also appreciate that on some level, there is not a giver or receiver of a gift. It is all an interplay. It is all an interplay of sharing goodness and resources. As we give, we also receive graciousness, uplift in the heart, and appreciation. The person who receives is also giving gladness, giving vulnerability to receive, opening themselves. So it is such a deep teaching, with so many levels here.

As we bring this practice to a close, appreciating ourselves for having showed up and releasing any judgment of how this was or wasn't—"I was distracted," "It was this," "It was that." It's okay. Let it go. Let it go. You have done your best. You have showed up. You have planted seeds. Trust it. Celebrate the goodness. And joining our hearts to share the goodness of our practice, this co-created goodness, with all beings: may all beings everywhere, including myself, be happy and be free.

Q&A and Reflections

Nikki: Welcome back everyone. I hope you had time for the inquiries. I would love to hear from you: what revealed itself? What did you discover in your practice?

One prompt was: What was this practice like? This practice of continuously letting go is quite a profound practice. It is actually one practice leading into concentration, samādhi. It can be a very strong practice—of course, your mileage may vary—but I am curious what came up for you. Explore what it was like to keep letting go into spaciousness, into ease. Not holding on, not being loyal to our suffering, not being loyal to our stories.

The second prompt was: What would be helpful to let go of or release right now? Is there an object that would be helpful to let go of to feel lighter? Or a grudge, or something emotional or physical to release?

The third prompt was: What would be helpful for you and someone else to release as an act of giving? An act of generosity. Again, that could be an object, it could be your time, a smile, forgiveness, joy, calling someone up, giving them your care. Something that would benefit you and others.

Jesse: Thank you Nikki. Thank you for sharing about cāga. That was really helpful for my practice, something to aspire to. Especially with question two, I found myself coming up with quite a long list of things that I could let go of, and so I felt some overwhelm. This is a time of the year where I tend to reflect on self-improvement. I am at a time in my life—midlife—where I am really focusing on how I can improve, what is my impact, how can I live my vision, how can I be of service to the world. So it felt like a lot. But it was a really helpful practice, thank you.

Nikki: Thank you Jesse. I appreciate what you shared. Your reflection brought up for me the beauty of reflecting at the end of the year: how can I aspire to be the best version of myself? Not competing with anyone else, but myself.

And then one thing you said, "self-improvement," I want to invite you to put a question mark next to. That might seem kind of quizzical—"Wait, what is wrong with that?" There is something about the project of self-improvement, in framing it that way, that could have the sense of overwhelm that you are describing. Also the sense of "not-enoughness." That "I am just not enough and this is not good, so I have to improve this thing. Who is me? Self-improvement?"

There is a particular frame, that particular trope that Western culture can fall into. There are so many podcasts for self-improvement—do this, and do that, and 100 reps of this. It just seems endless. It feels like we have got to add... actually as I say that, my heart feels kind of contracted. It feels like there is more and more to add. Not to say there isn't excellent advice and various wonderful, wholesome habits that we do want to take on. And yet, I think I want to advise you to be more generous with yourself. This perspective of aspiration allows for rest, allows for letting go. Yet the frame of self-improvement can become a little tight.

I see Bill posted in the chat: "One of the Dharma teachers I listen to referred to the subtle violence of self-improvement." Yep, that's it. I wasn't going to be that explicit, I am more gentle in my choice of words, but yes, I agree with that too. There is a subtle violence to it.

Richard: In my twenties, I was high up on a ladder and I started falling backwards. I knew I couldn't stop myself. Without planning or whatever, I just sort of automatically felt like a ragdoll. And I didn't hurt myself at all. It was like falling on cushions or something. I have kept that memory alive. Sometimes when I meditate, I just recall that and just relax into it and let go that way, rather than one little thing at a time.

Nikki: I so appreciate you raising that. That is one meditation instruction that I use as well, which is: it is like falling backwards. Like you are just falling, you are letting go completely. With everything in your body, you are letting go. I love that and I practice that, Richard, so I am so glad you brought that up. The idea of letting go a little bit is just to get that idea of what it feels like to let go, so that one practices little by little, so one feels safe enough to just do that complete body letting go. I am so glad you have that felt-sense memory, because that kind of practice is very powerful, very opening, relaxing, and centering—that complete, embodied letting go.

Diana: I love this practice tonight. The term "letting go" has almost become an annoyance for me. I have heard it at least a hundred thousand times from many of my esteemed teachers on tapes and in lectures: "Let it go. Just let it go." Like that. So I am sitting back thinking, "Literally, how? Do I go poof and boing and it's gone?" Whatever the "it" is.

In this case tonight, and a few other times, I have learned it was about a process or a way to do it. That was with breathing, and it was that continuous staying with it, on and on. That helped measurably. I began to feel some peace come, just staying with each time in that slow process. I just felt such confidence in listening to that. I thought, obviously that can translate into the larger line. I just love tonight's practice. So I promise to try not to be so annoyed by hearing this all the time. I feel help is now here: "What do I do?"

Nikki: Great Diana, I love what you said. Thank you so much for sharing. It is so helpful what you said, because often when we hear the instruction—which is a beautiful instruction, very wise—that comes up. I have heard many practitioners over the years say, "How do I let go? I want to let go, but how do I put it down? How do I do it?"

So yes, there is a method. You observe what the mind and the body are grabbing onto. You become more observant, and then—ah!—you release. You gently, ever so gently, release with the out-breath, with the body. And it is a practice, it is a training. We learn more and more how to do it. And now that you have practiced what it means, I don't think you are going to become annoyed because you know, "Oh yeah, that is what they are pointing to. That is what they are talking about. I know how to do that."

Sara: You said something in the beginning about letting go of objects that we don't use anymore, but also letting go of emotional baggage that is not useful. That was really close to my heart; it really made sense to me. I realize that some of the things that I need to let go of are related to forgiveness. I find it much easier to forgive others, but it is very difficult for me to forgive myself. I wanted to ask for your thoughts, especially because you feel like it is not always just being harsh on yourself or self-improvement, but also feeling that I expect more from myself and am just disappointed.

Nikki: Thank you, Sara. It is very common for all of us human beings. Forgiving others is easier than forgiving ourselves. Of course it is. We are harder on ourselves than anyone else. And of course, we have high expectations of ourselves. Sometimes we look back and we think, "Oh, how could I? How could I?" And maybe the other person has forgiven us, loves us, and it is okay with them. But we are still holding on.

To understand, to really appreciate that the version of you who was acting at that time, the version of you whom you were at the time... she was doing her best. She was doing the best she could at that time, given everything she had. Given all the limited physical and mental resources, all the stresses she had, all the expectations, all the information she had. Everything. All the causes and conditions that came to make that decision that happened at that time.

If you unrolled yourself... you know, hindsight is 20/20. The present you has much more information, you can see better how things unfolded. But at the time, the person you were—this dear, poor, sweet person who was caught in this challenging situation—was doing the best she could. And that is the best she could do at the time. To forgive her for her limited ability, for limited vision, limited information, limited resources.

"I forgive you. You were doing your best. I know, I know, I know. I see you and you were doing your best."

And let her be. It was hard enough for her. Whatever it was, it was hard enough. She doesn't need the older version of you to beat her up. It was hard enough what she was going through.