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Giving Freely - Diana Clark

The following talk was given by Diana Clark at Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA on December 20, 2023. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.

Giving Freely

The Yogi Needs Closet

I want to start my little talk tonight by sharing a little story. It's such a minor, mundane thing, but it ended up having a big impact on me that I am remembering even all these years later.

This is when I was a retreatant at our retreat center. Many of you know there is a retreat center associated with us—this is the Insight Meditation Center (IMC)¹, and then we have a residential center in Santa Cruz, the Insight Retreat Center (IRC)². I have had a lot of retreat practice. I know the things to pack, and I know how to get ready for retreat. I showed up, and everything was fine for the first day and the second day. And then, I think it was the third day, I ran out of dental floss.

It's such a mundane thing, but it's easy to do. It's hard to know how much is left in those little containers! At IRC, they have what they call the "Yogi³ Needs Closet." This is a place for if you forget something. Once you're in the retreat, you are in silence and you don't come and go, so it's not like you could pop over to the drugstore or grocery store to get something. That just doesn't happen.

I went to this closet thinking, "Okay, I hope they have dental floss." I looked in there and I was amazed. Anything that you might need while on retreat was there, freely offered. Tons of dental floss, toothbrushes, toothpaste, combs, shampoo, soap, and conditioner in all the showers. I made a little list to remind me: aspirin, cough drops, tampons—anything you might need, just lots and lots of it. You just go to the closet and take what you need. You don't ask for it, you don't tell anybody, you just take what you need. It's freely offered.

I remember feeling so touched by this. It was some real generosity, but alongside that generosity was a sense of respect. It recognized that people like to have these things when they're on retreat, but there was also an inherent respect—the idea that I'm not going to steal everything and then go sell it on the black market to make a profit, or do something nefarious with it. It was just this closet you opened up, with shelves and drawers of everything you could imagine you might need. It showed the imagination of somebody who took the time to think, "Okay, what might be needed? Tweezers? Okay, we'll make sure there's some tweezers there that people can borrow. Hair dryers?" All this kind of stuff.

I immediately felt touched by the generosity, but interestingly, it made me feel like I wanted to be generous, too. I wanted other people to have this experience, this recognition of feeling cared for and respected. This feeling that you can be on retreat and have a sense of simplicity—our lives on retreat are very simple—but that doesn't mean we don't take care of ourselves.

There was a little dāna⁴ box, so I gave some donations. It touched me. I felt like all these things were provided to support my Dharma⁵ practice. Not my shopping practice, but my Dharma practice—to spend the time there on retreat in a way that would be fruitful and helpful, instead of fretting about not having something that I wanted.

A Field of Generosity

Both IMC and IRC are built on this whole notion of a field of generosity. Everything here and there is offered freely. What a beautiful thing. Even though I knew that, and I had practiced being the recipient of it, receiving this dental floss felt a little bit different. It hit me like, "Oh yeah, this is what it feels like to just be able to accept what's being offered freely."

This community is not based on greed. It's not based on having to get something, or shaming, or a fear of stinginess. Instead, this meditation center and retreat center are really offered with open hands. It comes from a recognition of the power of a different kind of economy—an economy that comes out of our hearts, out of appreciation, and out of a wish to help make this grow and continue. I want to help build this different way of being in the world for others.

This old notion of generosity in the Buddhist tradition is related to this idea of giving freely without expecting anything in return. We don't give because we're supposed to, because we feel obliged, because we feel peer pressure, or because "it's the tradition and I have to." None of that. We give out of goodwill, simply wishing others to have benefit. We give out of compassion⁶, wishing others to have a diminishment of suffering⁷—even the suffering of not being able to floss one's teeth regularly! It ranges from the profound to the very, very mundane.

This idea of giving freely also means giving without concern or fear. Often, when we hear the word "generosity," we brace ourselves, ready for "the ask." But that's not the Buddhist way. The Buddhist way is just to give if you feel inspired, if it supports your practice, and if you feel you want to contribute to the well-being of others and yourself. You offer what makes sense to you, what feels like you can offer—whether that's time, love, recognition, money, or skills.

It is sometimes a little bit awkward for teachers to give a talk on generosity, but I thought I would because this time of year is when there's a lot of gift exchange. Not everybody participates in that, but there is a lot of it happening, and we are actively engaging in a lot of generosity. When we start to hear about generosity, we aren't just afraid there's going to be an ask; we're often afraid of feeling cornered, like something's expected from us. I myself don't like that. We might shy away from this topic, or perhaps we carry a societal attitude of, "I should be more generous." Nobody likes the sense of "I should be."

Maybe there's a fear that if we start being generous, it's never going to end. We all have this experience: you donate to one organization, and forever more you are on their mailing list. Decades later, you are still getting requests for more money. There are many reasons we might shy away from this whole topic.

Generosity and Not-Self

I want to build on this idea of things that are freely given, to recognize that sometimes we view generosity as a transaction—like a business exchange or a fee for a service. But the Buddhist practice of generosity is to explore for yourself, in your own experience, what it is like to give with no expectation of any return.

If you wanted to take this on as a practice, there are a number of organizations that help individuals or communities in need. Maybe you could give time, service, or money to those organizations. Most likely, you will not be the direct beneficiary of what happens to those supported by these organizations—like soup kitchens, environmental efforts, impoverished communities, or farm animal sanctuaries. What is it like to just give for the sake of giving, even if you don't get a tax benefit or any tangible return?

This is tied to the recognition that the actions we do affect our minds and hearts. Of course they do! Our bodies, minds, hearts, and spirits are all connected. We're one being, not disconnected parts.

This movement of generosity is a way to cultivate a sense of abundance. In that moment when we are giving, there is a feeling of wealth: "Here, I am offering this. This is something that I can give freely." In that moment, there is no feeling of lack or insufficiency. If there is, then that's a little bit different from the generosity I'm pointing to. I'm pointing to giving freely. The Buddha highlighted this as part of the foundational teachings he often gave to people at the very beginning of their practice. This gentle movement of the heart to let go, to give freely what one can.

When we have this feeling of abundance—to use a mundane example, like a garden that's making way too many zucchinis, tomatoes, oranges, or lemons—it's natural to share. "Here, I have all of this, take some." People frequently bring things from their gardens here to IMC and leave them for whomever would like them. When there's a sense of abundance, it's easy to be generous.

Fascinatingly, it works the other way around, too. Being generous gives a sense of abundance. This turns out to be true for so many of these practices. We tend to think it only works in one direction (Abundance -> Generosity), but there is a reciprocal relationship. Giving freely often brings an uplift in the heart, a sense of well-being, and a feeling of wealth and having enough.

If we pay attention to what the experience is like when we are being generous, we notice that it can loosen up the tightness we have around our sense of self. It loosens up the feeling that there is a substantial core here to which everything is happening, and that we have to protect it, bolster it up, and make it look better than it actually is. When we are being generous, that self-protection isn't happening.

When there's a strong sense of self, everything out there gets related to it: "That's either mine or not mine," "I like that or I don't like that." But when there's generosity, there is simply a sense of sharing. This loosening up of tightness and constriction is the way to more freedom. If we really look at our lives, all the difficulties, the anxiety, the restlessness, the stress, and the suffering⁷ are related to this tight little sense of self.

So much of our practice is about learning to see this self. What is it? Where is it? You will discover that it's actually not there. It's just a sense we have; a notion. You absolutely do not need to take my word for it. This is not a belief you need to adopt. I know when I first heard these teachings, I thought, "That's weird. I like these other teachings, so I'm just going to be the person who likes the other teachings but doesn't like that whole not-self⁸ stuff." That's perfectly fine; you can put it to the side. I'm just dropping a seed, an encouragement to sometimes gently inquire: "Where is that self that's trying to look good, feel good, and be protected?" You will find that it is actually just a bunch of passing experiences.

When we're generous, there's less of a sense of "me and mine." There is less of the self-absorption and self-centeredness we fall into when we think we have to get enough or be enough. Instead, there's a sense of kindness and care. That little bit of unburdening that happens when we're generous feels good. It is a breath of fresh air.

Inquiring Into Generosity

Of course, we have to pay attention to how we practice generosity. I have heard teachings that say, "If it doesn't hurt, it's not real generosity." That is not what I'm pointing to. I am pointing to the type of generosity that uplifts the heart. So much of our practice is about cultivating the uplift needed to make life flow a little bit easier. When life flows easier, we can naturally do a certain amount of letting go—whether with physical objects, time, or beliefs. This entire practice is about letting go.

Generosity is part of the practice, but it is also an opportunity to learn about ourselves. See for yourself: How does it feel for me when I'm being generous? Is it easier to be generous with my time versus my money? What are my beliefs about what is important, valuable, and precious? What do I feel like I lack, and what do I feel I can freely give away?

Here are some questions we can ask ourselves when we're practicing generosity, to support greater understanding, freedom, and ease in our lives:

1. Is what I'm doing appropriate, or the best way to be generous in this moment?
Are we aware of what the most generous act truly is? For example, we might think we are being generous by offering our time to listen to somebody complain about a person, a situation, or an institution. But as the monologue continues, they get more agitated, and we get more agitated. Perhaps being "generous" and just listening to them is not the wisest thing to do. Is there a way we might respectfully interrupt? It takes skill, but sometimes changing the subject seamlessly is far more helpful than passively listening to a harmful monologue. What we think is being generous sometimes turns out not to be helpful for either them or us.

2. How does it feel in the body and mind when I am being generous?
Tune into the bodily experience. Is there a sense of openness in the heart and chest? Is there a little bit of relaxation or warmth in the belly? A feeling of lightness, where the load on your shoulders feels lighter? Maybe there's a non-sentimental loving-kindness (mettā)⁹—a radiant well-wishing that your act of generosity supports the other person and their life.

Or, conversely, is there a feeling of depletion, weakness, or fear? Do you feel tight, thinking, "I have to give this because it's expected, and what are they going to think if I don't?" That is more of a tightness, a constriction, anger, or confusion. The Buddhist generosity of giving freely should be accompanied by a subtle sense of openness and uplift.

3. What is happening in the mind?
What are the beliefs, views, and thought patterns accompanying the action? Do we have wishful expectations of a return? Do we think, "In exchange for this, I'm expecting you to do that, or to understand the message underlying my gift"? Do we give hesitantly out of fear that giving once will lead to endless requests? What stories or views have we inherited from our families and our society? Which of them are wise and supportive, and which are obstacles preventing us from giving freely?

In our society, generosity can be an awkward topic. I read recently about how, when doing a transaction at a restaurant, you are increasingly prompted for a tip on a screen, and sometimes the tip is already included by default. People can begin to feel less generous because it feels expected of them, creating resistance.

What are the thoughts we have when we are being generous? Can we be kind to ourselves when we discover, "Oh yeah, I do feel stingy in this area, but not in that area"? Understanding ourselves is the beginning of finding more freedom. If we don't recognize these things about ourselves, we just blindly follow our patterns. But by paying attention, we can stretch ourselves and honor ourselves in a way that supports our practice, a sense of well-being, and a sense of abundance.

Questions and Answers

Diana Clark: Does anybody have something they'd like to say? We would like for you to use the microphone. You can hold it like a rock star, or like Taylor Swift singing into the top of it. [Laughter]

Questioner 1: When I go to Starbucks, they want a tip. It's always a choice, and they make so much money, so I don't feel any obligation to tip them. At the same time, I feel a little guilty if I don't leave a tip. They're rolling in dough, so why should I tip them? It doesn't go to the server—if it went to the server, that would be okay, but we don't know where it goes. But what I do like to do is, if I see somebody sitting alone, I ask if I can join them. That really makes me feel good, and they feel good as well. I don't feel obligated; I just want to chat with them. Sometimes they say no thank you, or they're reading a book, and you don't know if they want to talk. But that kind of generosity, I really like.

Diana Clark: It's nice that you ask and let them say yes or no, and you realize it's not an insult if they decline. I think the key is just to notice and say, "Oh, this expectation to tip makes me feel uncomfortable."

Questioner 2: I just did a quick search: "Do Starbucks tips go to employees?" The answer I got was yes, they get a healthy increase¹⁰ in their paychecks based on the tips.

Diana Clark: Well, that's interesting to know! I assumed because you're tapping on a little machine that who knows where it's going. The idea of giving freely is doing it not because it's demanded of us or because we're feeling coerced by expectations, but just tuning in to how it feels when you are giving freely. Our actions and the way we show up in the world of course affect our inner life and what is going on in our hearts and minds.

I remember first learning that at IRC, the retreats were offered on a donation basis. I thought, "Oh my gosh, how is that going to work?" I remember hearing that people said to Gil¹¹, "You know, that might work in Southeast Asia, but it's not going to work here." And somehow it does. It's a beautiful thing. There are more and more retreat centers inspired by IRC that are trying to shift to being fully donation-based.

Diana Clark: Anyone else? Oh, as soon as you put the microphone down... that's how it works! [Laughter]

Questioner 3: I appreciate the advice on paying attention to how it feels in your body. Also, the advice about changing the topic. Some people like to go on and on, and I didn't know what to do. Thank you.

Diana Clark: Thank you. Well, I'm wishing you all a wonderful holiday season! I'll be here next on New Year's Day. Have safe travels home. I don't know if it's still raining, but I was so happy that it was raining today! Thank you.