This is an AI-generated transcript from auto-generated subtitles for the video Guided Meditation: "No" with Love; Intro to Mindfulness Pt 2 (2) The Hindrance of Aversion. It likely contains inaccuracies, especially with speaker attribution if there are multiple speakers.

Guided Meditation: "No" with Love; Dharmette: Intro to Mindfulness Pt 2 (2) Hindrance of Aversion - Gil Fronsdal

The following talk was given by Gil Fronsdal at Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA on February 27, 2024. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.

Guided Meditation: "No" with Love

Hello, and welcome to our meditation session.

This week we're focusing on what hinders our ability to be mindful, present, and steady in our practice. Today the topic is the second hindrance¹, which is aversion. It's usually translated into English—and in our kind of Buddhist scene—as "aversion," though the Pali² word more accurately means "ill will." It contains a certain degree of hostility in it. So it's more than simply not wanting something, but rather it's pushing something away or pulling away in a way that is hostile or has animosity towards whatever is going on.

To understand this better, we can distinguish two kinds of averting, two ways of saying "no." One is with love, and the other is with hatred. One is with goodwill, kindness, or well-wishing. The other is with wishing ill for something or someone, with hostility, or with some degree of animosity. The difference between these is huge, and how it can feel inside us is different.

When there's a free, loving feeling—a love that doesn't contain clinging as part of it, with no compulsion, just a generous love—it can be a strong "no" to something. When the "no" is hostile, it comes with tension, with strain, with a closing down, with tightening of the fist in the heart or the mind, let alone the physical hand.

To be able to feel the difference: one is nurturing and nourishing. The other might be energizing, but it's energy which is draining, energy which contains irritation or suffering as part of it. And so for this meditation, I would like to suggest that you learn to say "no" lovingly. Learn how you say "no" in a way that is the opposite of love, the opposite of well-wishing, care, kindness, or generosity.

A loving way of saying "no" is to see that your mind begins going into certain trains of thought which you know you've done before. Maybe it's resentment about someone, and you've done this many, many times before—the same kinds of thoughts. You see that they don't serve you at all, maybe they're even harmful for you. And you lovingly say, "No, I'm not going to have those thoughts."

When you are involved in certain preoccupations that involve hostility, you say lovingly, "No, this is not the time for that. I'm not going to do that."

On the other hand, there might be some thoughts or experiences you have—maybe your knee hurts, maybe your breathing is not quite what you want it to be, you're uncomfortable in some way—and you have a kind of stressful, strainful aversion to it. There's a modicum of ill will, hostility, animosity, irritation, or annoyance that's contained in the "no." "Not another aching knee, no! Let's get rid of it. This is terrible." There's a kind of a sense of anger in that ill will, in that "no."

See if you can see that difference. See if you can lovingly say "no" to the hostility. Meaning, don't give into it, don't pick it up, don't participate in it. Even if it keeps moving through you, step away and see it clearly for what it is. Make this distinction between a healthy, appropriate "no" that's loving—and you kind of enjoy doing it, because it comes from love, it comes from knowing what's best—and distinguishing that from that which is not healthy, that's even harmful.

Keep choosing the healthy "no" and apply it to your meditation. Watch your mind, watch what you're involved in. If it's not a healthy engagement with waking up and being present in a mindful, clear, clean way, maybe you say "no," but lovingly and kindly. Do so in a way that maybe even inspires you to say "no," like, "Oh, this is caring for me. This is knowing what's best. This is moving in a good direction."

If your whole mental and physical system says "no" with hostility, see clearly that's the case. Especially if it involves trains of thought.

May this support you to be present, saying lovingly "no" to whatever takes you away from being present here and now. Awake, clear, steady in the moment.

So gently closing your eyes. Feeling your body, your body breathing. Breathing.

Perhaps saying a friendly, kind, warmhearted "yes." "Yes" to being here and present in this body, in this experience. "Yes" to being mindful, being aware here and now.

And lovingly, without demands, without hostility: "No, not now," for thoughts that take you away.

And so we'll sit quietly.

Lovingly saying, "No, not now" to thinking, wandering off, being reactive. Just "no." And kind of know that almost simultaneously, there is a "yes" to here and now. Almost as if you're putting on very comfortable clothes. "Yes," as you step into your body, being here.

Being here and now, here in your body. Is there something within you that welcomes you with a "yes"? "Yes, be here in the breathing, in the body, in the awareness." And whatever takes you away from what is good in the body, mind, and heart right now, gently, lovingly say, "No, not now."

And as we come to the end of this sitting, letting go gently, lovingly, of everything that takes you away from being here in your body, aware, open, receptive, here with whatever degree of calm or stability that might have developed.

Is there something here that's appropriate to say "yes" to? A "yes" to awareness being here this way.

And is there now a clear sense of a kind "no" that lets go or steps away from participating in things which are not healthy or useful for you?

In this way, your orientation can be towards not making things worse, and instead making things better. As we come to the end of the sitting, imagine being in the world of people and activities with this orientation: "Don't make the situation worse, if you can make it better."

At least with your goodwill and your kindness, at least with the wisdom that knows to say "no" to making it worse.

May all beings be happy. May all beings be safe. May all beings be peaceful. May all beings be free. Thank you.

Dharmette: Intro to Mindfulness Pt 2 (2) Hindrance of Aversion

Hello on this second day—five days of discussing the hindrances. This is building on the introduction to meditation series that just finished. The idea is that once you have the basic practice and instructions for mindfulness practice, one of the really important next steps is to understand what interferes with or hinders your mindfulness practice.

That does two things. It helps to settle the things that interfere so it's easier to be present. And wonderfully, you learn the art of making what hinders our mindfulness, steadiness, or calm the object of awareness, the object of mindfulness. Anything that can be made the object of mindfulness can be related to peacefully, without clinging or hostility.

The beautiful and inspiring thing, at least for me, about this mindfulness practice is that whatever you can be mindful of, there's the possibility of finding freedom in relationship to it. To be able to find freedom with anything in the world of experience means that freedom can be all-encompassing, 360-degree freedom. It's not an aloofness or a disconnection; in some sense, it's the opposite. It's learning how not to be entangled so that we can be connected with warmth, kindness, love, and goodwill to ourselves and to the world around us.

But that's an ideal, maybe the direction we're going. So one of the things we need to learn is how to turn attention and mindfulness to the ways that we are aversive. The ways in which we have ill will, irritation, hostility, or annoyance towards ourselves, our experience, other people, and the world itself.

Generally in English, the word aversion represents some form of hostility or anger. Like you want to get rid of something in a hostile way.

Some people walk through the world with an attitude of that kind of hostility, of ill will. They're looking for what is wrong. They're looking for what to be critical of and angry about. It's almost like they walk in the world with an atmosphere of aversion.

For some people, it's something that comes up periodically, maybe a good part of the day, but it's not an overarching attitude by which they're living. It can be quite strong. Certain events can give rise to anger in such a way that we're really feeling a lot of animosity towards someone else or some situation.

Some of us sometimes have a certain degree of animosity or ill will—I don't know if that's exactly the right word, but there's certainly stress, strain, anger, and eyes that have darts in them—towards our computers when they're not working, or the technology when we can't figure it out. It's sometimes inanimate objects too that we have this with, assigning blame and criticism elsewhere.

These things exist for human beings. The radical art that we're doing here in mindfulness is to fold this into our mindfulness. Meaning this too we're going to be aware of. Not aware of it to anticipate it, but to be aware as if we're stepping back away from it one step, turning around, looking at it, and saying, "I see you. This is aversion. This is hostility. This is the darts of the eyes that are going out to stare at something and indicate, 'I'm angry with you.' This is how it is. This is how the tension in the body builds up."

But we look at it with kindness. We look at it with freedom, with non-reactivity, without being caught in its grip. Aversion—wanting to get rid of something or wanting to get away from it because it's so terrible—can be a tremendous stress and strain. It can be a kind of causing harm even to ourselves.

It might not seem that way because what's happening might feel like, "This is really uncomfortable for me, I'm being harmed by it." Sometimes that's true, but sometimes it's our reactivity, our values, our fear, or our pride that is being made uncomfortable. Or our desires are not being met; something thwarts them, and so now we're angry at what thwarts our desires. They all present an entanglement.

There is a healthy form of aversion. There is a healthy way of saying "no" that arises out of love. If the word "love" is too sweet or too grand, then it arises out of goodwill, a friendliness, or a generosity of spirit. It arises out of wanting the best for everyone concerned. It arises out of goodness or wisdom.

You say, "No, I'm not going to be involved with aversion that way. I'm not going to be involved in those thoughts." Or at least, "No, I don't condone this. I don't want to invest myself in this." I might not be able to stop having those thoughts, but I don't have to be those thoughts. I don't have to fall into them and believe them.

But that can be done with love. When there's something that needs to be said, when we say "no" in the world—like saying "no" to another person for what they're doing—can that be done with love as opposed to hostility and aversion?

What are we trying to accomplish when we are aversive? What are we trying to accomplish when we have hostility and animosity? Is it simply to protect ourselves and to push the other person away? Is it retribution, to somehow cause them to feel uncomfortable so they get the message and cower, feel hurt, or be a little more submissive? What is it that we're trying to do in the aversive?

Is it necessary? Is there a better way? Is there a better way to say "no"? Is there a way of saying "no" that doesn't break the connection, doesn't fracture relationships, doesn't diminish other people or see them only through the lens of how they are wrong to us? But rather, see them as valuable people, as people that it's possible to have a warm, kind, friendly relationship with if they would allow it.

We say "no" with confidence. A "no" that keeps the door open, a "no" that clearly shows that we're willing to be in relationship if they change, if they are different. But they feel that the "no" is not angry; it's not hostile.

This is not easy to do, but Dharma practice is a practice of saying "yes" to whatever supports freedom in us. Say "yes" to whatever helps nourish the "yes" qualities of who we are to come forth in the world. Sometimes that "yes" requires us to say "no" to certain things.

"No, I'm not going to be hostile. No, I'm not going to scare this person with my anger. No, I'm not going to shut the person down with anger in a way that diminishes them or shuts them up. Yes, I'd like to be present. Yes, I'd like to say 'no' in a way that respects them, where I take care of myself appropriately, but I also haven't shut this person out of my heart."

It's easier said than done, but it can be learned. It can be learned by anybody as a way that we can take care of ourselves. Dharma practice is a practice of taking care of ourselves. In the process of doing it, we learn how to say "no" to making things worse.

If we get our way by being angry or hostile to somebody or something, chances are, in the bigger picture of things, we're making the whole thing worse. How do we take care of ourselves and others? How do we take care of things so they're better? This is the art of Dharma practice.

The simplest formulation of this—a little slogan you can take with you—is: Don't make it worse. If what you're going to say is going to make the situation worse, don't do it. Rather, make it better.

Over time with Dharma practice, we become wiser and wiser to what the nature of "worse" is, the full implications of what we do, and how it comes back at us and affects our relationships. Over time, we also learn what makes it better.

Learning to say "no" to making it worse can be an act of love, not an act of hostility. To say "yes" to making it better does not have to be greed, it does not have to be clinging. In the bigger picture, this "yes" to what makes it better is a "yes" that leaves us more free and protected in a good way.

So may you today explore your relationship to this general category that fits under what I'm calling "no." When you have a "no" attitude to anything, can you avoid making it worse? Can you avoid that hostility in that "no"? And if it's necessary to say "no," can you explore how to do it with love and goodwill?

If this is the way you learn to become wise about the second hindrance, the hindrance of aversion, it'll be time really well spent. Thank you.