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Happy Hour: Compassion As a Gravitational Force to Shape Humanity's Space and Time - Nikki Mirghafori

The following talk was given by Nikki Mirghafori at Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA on November 02, 2023. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.

Happy Hour: Compassion As a Gravitational Force to Shape Humanity's Space and Time

Introduction

Hello, friends. Hello, and welcome to Happy Hour. If you can hear me okay, give me a thumbs up. Is the audio okay? Great. My name is Nikki Mirghafori. I am in Mountain View, California, seated on Ohlone¹ land, and welcoming you to Happy Hour. I would love to invite you to say hello to warm up the space together.

This is Don in D.C. Hi, Don. You in San Diego, hi. I heard Mima and I also heard Wayne. Who else wants to say hi? Hello, Bill in Dallas. Claire in New York. Jerry in Ottawa. Tom from Austin, Texas. Fred in Roanoke. Eli from Vancouver, British Columbia. I see Kim waving hi. Vicki from Oakland, and Sarah from Toronto. Fossil from Darien, Illinois. Sweet. I'm happy here already with all the hellos coming in. What a sweet ritual we have. Anyone else want to say hello before we transition to meditating? Hello, Mary from Oakland, and Ruth from Vancouver, Washington.

Let's begin. I am going to ask you to mute yourself if you are unmuted at this point. I changed the settings so that unmuting won't be possible. Thank you to Neil for posting information about the Happy Hour Google Groups in our chat. If you are new to Happy Hour, we have a low-traffic mailing list you are welcome to join; information, quotes, and more are shared there. We also have a little breakout room etiquette as an invitation to offer yourself and others safety and care. With that, I am going to turn on the recording for the sake of Audio Dharma.

Guided Meditation

Hello again, and welcome to Happy Hour. I'd like to invite us to continue with the practice of compassion. It's a challenging time in the world, whether we are having personal challenges or caring for others in our lives. In our hearts, in our minds, you can never have enough compassion. The practice of compassion, of course, comes with stability, with equanimity, with a stable base of care. So, I'd like to continue with the practice of compassion. It just feels appropriate to me. Let's practice together.

Let's shift into our meditation posture. Arriving, arriving. Arriving in our bodies. Arriving in this moment in time. Softening and relaxing the body.

Taking a moment of refuge. Taking this time for refuge, away from the busyness and the demands of the world. First to settle. First and foremost, to settle.

Feeling our feet grounded on the earth, as if we were a well-rooted tree. Feeling ourselves well-rooted, connected to the earth. We put down, in this moment, let go of worries and concerns, just to become more available.

Connecting with the breath: the in-breath, the out-breath, the sensations of the body. This moment of being alive, however it's showing up for us. As if it were the last moment on the earth. So precious, not taking it for granted. Not just another moment of being alive in the midst of many moments, but appreciating the gravity of being alive in this moment.

Really inhabiting our body. Inhabiting our humanity, our fullness. Not the same patterns over and over, but really taking our seat. I take my seat in this moment, relax into it, and yet really take my seat as if my life really matters, because it does.

Taking a few minutes to simply connect with each in-breath and out-breath. With the entire in-breath and out-breath. Coming fully present.

And we settle in. Settle in more, with more gravity. Feeling our body's weight and presence, sitting here in this moment and time.

I'd like to invite us to experiment with a different way of practicing compassion. It's related to radiating compassion, but a little different.

Let's begin with the practice of radiating, and we will find our way into this other way. As if your body is reverberating, radiating care through the entire world. Care that touches you first, and as it radiates and reverberates throughout the world in unseen ways, it impacts whatever it comes into contact with. Your goodwill and good wishes, with your care, especially if they are suffering or having challenges, brings succor, comfort, and ease.

Again, in this practice, it's not about magical powers. It's about cultivating our own heart, our own goodwill. Instead of feeling hopeless and helpless, we turn towards care and compassion. Instead of turning away from the problems of the world and the problems of our life, we turn towards them with care.

I'd like to invite you to consider that in the same way that in Einstein's relativity theory, every mass, every object bends the space around it—bends the space, that's how gravity is shaped and formed—every mass shapes and turns the space around it. These gravitational forces, this is how they're shaped.

Now, imagine that your presence in the world matters. Through the power of your care, your compassion, your engagement, the space of humanity curves. It shifts and changes around you. The more caring people there are in the world, the more this shift, this curving of the space of humanity, happens.

Your presence isn't for naught. It makes a difference. Trust that it makes a difference. The gravitational force of compassion shifts the space of humanity simply by your presence, simply by your goodwill. There is nothing you need to do, simply embody the moral gravity of goodwill and compassion. Embody it, that's all. Embody it with each breath, resting in the trust that it makes a difference.

It helps to add the phrases of compassion. Please do so by all means:

May I, may all beings everywhere, be free from suffering, from sorrow, from pain. May we have ease in the midst of it. I care for your pain. I care for your suffering. I wish you ease. I wish myself ease. I wish all of us ease. May all of us be free from sorrow and from pain.

Reflections on the Practice

As we move to bring this sitting period to a close, can we trust that our caring, compassionate presence in the world makes a difference? By having this trust, we can actuate more change in the world instead of feeling helpless, taking compassionate action for ourselves and for others.

May all beings everywhere be free from suffering and from sorrow. May all beings everywhere be free, including ourselves. Everyone, thanks for your practice. May all beings be free from suffering and sorrow, including ourselves.

So, in this practice today, we started with settling into the body with the breath, and then we turned to the practice of radiating compassion, which is something that we've discussed before and you might be familiar with. Then we turned to this idea of how, in the same way in Einstein's relativity theory where mass shifts and changes the space around it—it curves space—that with our presence, with our moral weight of care and compassion for ourselves and for others, we curve and shift the space of humanity.

Trusting that. Trusting that. In this way, it's also not so attached to the outcome. It's not so forceful. Sometimes the practice of compassion can feel forceful if you're doing the phrases and are really attached to them: "May you be free from suffering. May you be free." It can bring more anxiety.

This is a way of actually settling into the moral gravity, the compassionate gravity, of our being alive in this time and caring. That can support and help us take compassionate actions instead of feeling overwhelmed and powerless. It really is a way of feeling into the stability and gravity of our presence for more compassion and more compassionate action, instead of veering into empathetic distress.

That is the wisdom of this practice; this is what it's supposed to bring up. Again, some practices might work for you, some may not. It's all good. Keep it if it works for you, and let it go if it doesn't.

Breakout Rooms

With that, we have some time for engaging with each other in small breakout groups. The invitation I have for tonight is: let's go in reverse alphabetical order by first name. Each person will offer a nugget—again, exploring for your own sake. The other two people are just holding compassionate witness for you, not asking questions, not interfering, no cross-talk. Just holding compassionate witness as you explore: What does this mean to you? Feeling into the gravity of your own compassion and presence. How was the practice for you in this session? How can you lean into it? What was challenging?

Just explore for yourself, and the other two people will be holding you in witness. It's basically journaling out loud. You're journaling out loud, and other people are not going to ask you questions or interrupt. You just offer a nugget, and somebody else will offer a nugget, or maybe they say "pass." Then you go round and round for as much time as you have.

Be kind with one another. Be compassionate. This is really a way to practice the rubber meeting the road in the small groups. First, we sit quietly on our own, and now we engage. It's not about educating, impressing, or showing off. We're just supporting, curving the space together in this caring space that we co-create together. And it's also very fun! So enjoy the space that you get to co-create with one another. I'm going to create the rooms now. Take care of yourself, take care of each other, and be kind.

Q&A and Reflections

Hello, and welcome back. The rooms are closed, and everybody's back. We have a few minutes for reflections, comments, and questions. What did you discover in this practice?

The chat is open as well. You can raise your hand, especially if you haven't shared in the community for a while. You can also type in the chat. If you send them to me privately, I will read your reflection without your name. If it's to everyone, I'll read your name as well. Ruth, I see your hand.

Ruth: It was towards the end that we were talking, and I realized I love animals, and it's so much easier for me to be compassionate with animals. I've seen some dogs from Ukraine, and it just breaks my heart. The unconditional love that we get from pets is so incredible. It's so much easier for me to have compassion for animals than people, I hate to say.

Nikki: Thanks for saying that. I appreciate the courage that it takes to actually say this and verbalize it. It's great that your heart has a way in. For many people, animals are easier because they don't talk back, right? There's a sense of ease. They don't have opinions; they're just unconditionally loving. It's okay to start there, Ruth. It's perfectly fine to start there.

But I ask you not to stop there and just say, "That's it, that's easy. I'm just going to start where it's easy and end where it's easy." Please start where it's easy—you and everyone else who might be listening and saying, "Yeah, me too"—but don't end there. Let that prime your heart. Start with animals, dogs, pets. Start there, and when your heart is primed, then do a bait and switch. This is how the practice of mettā² works. You prime your heart with wherever it's easy, and then you bring in someone who's a little harder. The fire of the heart catches, and then you do it again. You bring where it's easy, you kindle the fire of mettā and compassion, and then you bring in someone else. You keep doing that until it catches. Does that make sense? I see you're nodding, great. Please do that. This is great that you have a way in; it's not a problem, it's great.

Any other reflections or questions? What did people think about this perhaps unusual way of feeling into compassion as this moral weight, relating it to Einstein's relativity? This has probably never been taught and will probably never be, but these are just creative ways of practicing compassion. Mary, I see your hand, please.

Mary: What I experienced in our time was especially toward the end when you talked about trust. It was like, "That's tough." Then something else you said shifted it for me. The way I understood or experienced it was that the practice of extending compassion creates a stability that then allows the expression of compassion in different circumstances. Whether they be small, like the clerk at the grocery store, or they turn out larger, that is less important than the cultivation of the stability. How does that sound?

Nikki: I appreciate the way you're putting it. I think you're articulating something that I was trying to bring in, which is compassion together with stability. Stability is another word for equanimity, because compassion needs to have equanimity as a part of it. This sense of stability, equanimity, this presence, this conviction and gravity—it helps it not get overwhelmed, not get reactive, not think, "Oh poor me, I have no control." There's a sense of stability and weight in it. That's what I was trying to bring in, and that's what I hear you picked up. It doesn't matter how little or how small it is, the sense of stability helps it grow instead of feeling small and powerless.

Mary: Thank you. I hadn't thought of it connected at all with equanimity, so that's another good place.

Nikki: Great, thank you, Mary. Jerry says in the chat, "We discussed recent work showing that the more one has been doing daily mindfulness meditation, the more one can enter into compassion even for those suffering a great deal and think of how one might help them." I appreciate that, Jerry. Thank you for that reflection. Rich—do you go by Rich or Richard?

Richard: Either way. I just wanted to thank you for bringing up relativity, because I so often hear people talk about quantum mechanics, and I just feel that I'm lost in a sea of delusion when I start hearing about spooky particles. [Laughter]

Nikki: That's funny. I might have mentioned this before, but if you want a good resource, a great book, is Helgoland by Carlo Rovelli. He's a renowned quantum physicist, and he speaks beautifully about quantum physics and how it connects with emptiness in Buddhism and Nagarjuna's³ theory. So if you want a treatment of a topic that's not filled with BS, then I suggest that book.

Richard: Thank you.

Nikki: You're welcome. Padma?

Padma: Hi, thank you, Nikki. My comment might be somewhat controversial, but the whole compassion and equanimity really helps in giving compassion to the slightly challenged and even the most difficult ones. But today I was a little frustrated because I don't think just having compassion helps the world that's suffering. I feel like it's just for me being compassionate and being at peace. I don't know if you have something to say to that.

Nikki: What you're raising is this concern: "Is my practice of compassion just for me to become calm and stable? Is it actually desensitizing me from the suffering of the world just because I'm becoming calm and it's all good?" I think it is important that we don't stop practicing compassion with ourselves. That's where we start, and we need to have that. It's so important to have that, otherwise we're like a headless chicken—we don't know what to do. That is the first place, Padma, that's so important. Thank you for doing that for the sake of everyone. If you are stressed out and not compassionate to yourself, it's not good for you, and it's not good for anyone around you.

And yet, don't stop there. Similar to what I was saying earlier, when you are practicing compassion for yourself, being calm and stable, spend a minute or two bringing in someone else who's having a challenging time or whom you're having challenges with. Bring them into the space of compassion. Expand your heart. Don't be content with just where it is; stretch a little bit.

Padma: Yes, but I was more referring to how is that going to help the conflicts and the world that's suffering?

Nikki: Great question. If you actually do that part—after you have spaciousness in your mind and heart, you bring to mind people who are suffering in the world, imagine them suffering, and still your heart has the stability to wish them well—compare that to being a headless chicken and not even having the space to bring them into your consciousness. In one case, you're turning towards them. In the other case, you're not turning. When you're turning towards them, compassion includes the motivation and responding to suffering. So maybe you will actually call your representative. Maybe you'll sign a petition, instead of just saying, "Oh, this is too much, I'm just not even going there." It's a stepping stone. It's not where you stop, but it's the stepping stone to taking action. Thank you for your question.

Fernanda says in the chat, "In Happy Hour, mettā practice feels gentle to me, but in daily life, I resort to it as a quick fix for discomfort, making me question if I'm misusing it. How can I keep its gentle essence in daily situations?" Tell me how, if you wouldn't mind—because I don't want to put you on the spot, but it helps me to answer that question. What do you mean you resort to it as a quick fix for discomfort? If you would either put it in the chat or raise your hand and provide a little more context, because I'm not quite sure what you mean. I'm going to ask you to unmute if you want to. You don't have to.

Fernanda: Thank you. I think I mean that I sort of notice an uncomfortable thought or a negative thought towards a situation or someone else, and I immediately feel like my mind is running to the breath or to mettā phrases. It feels like there's a little bit of distress in how quickly my mind is running to it.

Nikki: Got it. Thanks for adding more nuance to it. Trust what you just shared: "It seems like there's a little bit of a distress, and I'm running to calming myself through mettā like a hammer. I'm just hammering out the uncomfortable situation because I can't be comfortable with it." Trust that. My invitation is to allow yourself to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. Can you grow a sense of comfort with discomfort, and be with it? Really enter it instead of pushing it away.

It's a way to stretch ourselves. The way you're describing it, I so appreciate your wisdom: "I'm kind of suppressing my negative emotions. I'm not going to go there, I'm just going to patch it over with mettā." It is very healthy, and it produces more insight, if you feel comfortable going into it. That doesn't mean you condone it or act out of it.

I'll give you an example. A few days ago, I noticed I was really agitated, and there was this sense of anger coming up. I usually don't feel anger, so it's not a very comfortable or familiar feeling for me. I noticed I was thinking, "No, I don't want to feel angry." Then I stopped and thought, "Wait, sweetheart, let's check this out. Let's go into it. Let's feel what this feels like. Oh yeah, it feels uncomfortable. I don't like it, but this is what it feels like." And then it opened up. It shifted. I realized, "No, this is healthy. This is good. I'm not going to act out of it, but it's good to let it be." There's so much for me, for everyone, to learn from letting it be. Then it transforms, and then mettā or stability or wisdom can be explored through it. I hope that's helpful.

Closing

So we have come to the end of our time together. Thank you all for your practice, for showing up to cultivate kindness, wisdom, and compassion for all beings everywhere, including ourselves. May all beings be well. May all beings be free. And may we be a compassionate force in the world. May we cultivate our hearts and our actions to serve all beings everywhere.

Thanks, everyone. Take good care. Thank you. I'm going to stop the recording.