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Happy Hour: Equanimity as Warm-Hearted Balance -- Expanding our Capacity to Be With Life - Nikki Mirghafori

The following talk was given by Nikki Mirghafori at Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA on March 12, 2024. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.

Happy Hour: Equanimity as Warm-Hearted Balance -- Expanding our Capacity to Be With Life

Hello and welcome. I am Nikki in Mountain View, California, on unceded Ohlone¹ land. Welcome to Happy Hour.

I wanted to share reflections about equanimity, which is the fourth Brahma-vihara². There are these four practices of the heart in Buddhism. The first one is Metta³, or loving-kindness, and we spend a lot of time at Happy Hour practicing loving-kindness. The second being compassion, or Karuna⁴. The third one being Mudita⁵, or vicarious joy—joy for the joy of others. And the fourth one being equanimity.

We do practice all of them, but the fourth one, equanimity, sometimes seems perhaps the most subtle of them. Folks might even wonder, "Why is equanimity part of these practices of the heart?" The other three seem warm and caring, while some people misunderstand equanimity as aloofness, or not caring—a sense of, "Oh, I'm equanimous, it's okay whatever happens."

How does this one fit with the others? Equanimity is really the birthplace of warmth, kindness, and compassion because it is the stability of the heart that is non-reactive. It neither falls into getting so overly involved and attached—"I want you to be well because I want you to be well," leading to grief or overwhelm if you are not—nor does it push away. It doesn't turn away to say, "Talk to the hand, I'm not listening," or push something away with aversion.

Equanimity is the sense of equipoise, or balance of the heart, that allows us to care and love freely, openly, spaciously, and unmoved. There is warmth and care in equanimity. If there was no care in equanimity, it would become complete resignation and turning away, but it is not that. Those are the "near enemies" ⁶ or the masqueraders.

Tonight, I would like to invite us to practice with this feeling of equipoise. I want to invite us to relate to equanimity tonight as warm-hearted balance. What would that look like if we are cultivating warm-hearted balance in our hearts? Let's practice together and see what it feels like to cultivate and feel into this warm-hearted balance.

Guided Meditation

Arriving in our bodies. Arriving in this moment in time, however it is.

Can we sit with a sense of balance in our body? Our feet are not crossed, our arms are not crossed, but finding that sense of balance and integrity, sitting upright so that the body is relaxed and yet has a sense of alertness.

Balance. Sitting dignified. What does that mean to you, sitting with dignity and yet relaxed?

Take a moment to feel into your body. What does that feel like for you? Do your hands need to move? Does your torso need to move in order to achieve this sense of relaxed, dignified uprightness?

Pay attention to your neck. Pay attention to your face; is it relaxed? Is it soft? Pay attention to your spine; is it upright? Pay attention to your shoulders and neck; are they relaxed? How about your abdomen; is it soft? Your feet; are they spread and touching the Earth? Your toes; relaxed and alert?

Bringing awareness to your abdomen as the breath moves in and out. We invite tuning into the calming nature of the breath, in-breath and out-breath.

There is so much we can tune into in this moment. We can tune into distractedness—that is available. We can tune into sleepiness, agitation; we can tune into so many things. They are all available. We can also tune into calm balance. This frequency is more available through the breath if we follow the thread of the breath. If you lose the thread, if you drop it, pick it up. Following it. The thread of calm, of balance, through in-breath and out-breath. Dropping the other threads. Not needed. Can pick them up later. Choose wisely.

Receiving the breath in the abdomen. In-breath and out-breath. Letting go of the thread of thoughts, plans, past, future. Just here.

The sense of spaciousness with relaxed warm-heartedness. Caring. We care so much that we are present. We are not turning away from the breath. We are not turning away from this moment. We are fully present for this moment. Not leaning back, not pushing it away, not leaning into grasping. Neither overwhelmed nor entangled. We are simply present, calm, and present with this present moment as it unfolds.

Imagine you are present, fully present, with a young child. Fully present, not rushed, impatient, not wanting the child to be any other way. With warm-heartedness. Simply present. And this precious child is the experience of this moment. Simply present for it with warm-heartedness. Letting it be just as it is. Breathing with it.

Even if it is challenging in this moment, with pain physically or in the heart, breathing with it. Being present with it. Giving it a lot of space. If it is gladness or joy and delight, ease too. Letting the ease, the gladness be just as it is. The spaciousness. Breathing with it. Keeping its presence, keeping it company with equipoise. Equanimity. Neither turning away nor falling into it.

In-breath, out-breath. Keeping this moment company. And if you lost the thread, it is okay. Just pick it up. Calm, spacious, warm-hearted presence. Present fully for this moment's experience unfolding, whatever it is.

Each in-breath and out-breath, receiving fully. Receiving spaciously. Receiving the relaxed body and heart, the experience of this moment, letting it unfold just as it is. As if you were watching the movie of your life in this moment. You are watching the movie of your life with interest, with kindness, with equipoise. Relaxing every muscle of the body. Warm-heartedly, with interest and curiosity, but not with entanglement. Being present, fully present for this moment's experience unfolding. Experiencing equipoise, equanimity, one moment at a time. Spacious. Present. Unentangled. Caring.

It's like this right now.

How interesting. Watching it arise and pass away. Knowing it, feeling it arise and pass away. It is okay. It is okay.

And as we bring this period of practice to a close together, appreciating yourself for having showed up as best as you are able to. No judgments. We are planting seeds. Planting seeds of goodness and trusting that they will germinate in their own time, not our timetable.

Together offering the goodness we have co-created, the seeds we have planted, to all beings everywhere. May my practice be the turning of my heart and mind towards goodness, be a support for awakening, for goodness for all beings everywhere. May all beings everywhere be happy. May all beings everywhere be free, including myself.

Community Reflections

It is so nice to sit with community. It is definitely different and more profound to sit with community.

We have a little bit of time to turn and practice with community in the way of showing up now for one another with this warm-hearted presence that is spacious. The invitation is to show up for yourself and others embodied, and the inquiry is: What supports equanimity for you?

You can also bring in the opposite, the other side of the coin: What gets in the way of equanimity?

[The group breaks into small discussions and returns.]

Participant: It was funny because even the things that don't support us were still instructive. In my case, it is impermanence ⁷. I shared that I had a real tiny little crockpot and last night it broke while I was washing it. I was like, "No! There goes my equanimity!" But then I was like, "That's the way it is. It's okay."

Nikki: That is great. I love the story of the crockpot. You are right, impermanence challenges equanimity. It doesn't necessarily get in the way, but it challenges it. Things are impermanent and that is just the way it is. I loved how you came back with this challenge of "Oh, it broke," to "That's just the way it is, things break." That wisdom.

Participant: I recognized that the main obstacle for me to equanimity is my mind, specifically the self-critical part—scanning for what I am doing wrong or what is wrong in the environment. What supports me is to turn towards that part of my mind with loving-kindness and compassion. Just be like, "Oh sweetheart, you are really trying to keep me safe by beating me up or by pointing out all the possible things that could go wrong." That doesn't feel very equanimous, but "I love you and I really appreciate your care." Letting the heart be the bridge into the beautiful.

Nikki: Beautiful. Letting the heart be the bridge. That kindness, that compassion of care, especially when the mind is over-vigilant. It is a way of balancing because in some ways, the mind in that case is pushing experience away—saying it is bad, it is wrong, it is an enemy. By befriending yourself and the experience, you bring that balance back.

Participant: Something that came up is that it is about to be a year since my oldest brother killed himself. I noticed I am just more anxious than usual. Even when I am not directly thinking about him, anniversaries always get to me. Something that has helped has been going to a group that is specifically people that have lost siblings to suicide. Finding people that have been in a very similar boat helps, because I can understand people not being able to connect about it if they haven't been through it.

Nikki: Of course. Through community, finding your balance and equanimity—equipoise—through the shared humanity, the common humanity of those who are experiencing this grief and loss. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Please remember self-compassion, because it is so hard with everything that arises, all the aspects of grief. Remember self-compassion. Then equanimity may be appropriate sometimes, and it may not be. See what is appropriate at a given time.

Participant: Today I was listening to one of Sharon Salzberg's books. She was not specifically talking about equanimity, but she used the term "tolerance." She used this term as a way that we would increase our tolerance to be able to let in anything—the realities of the world, including the dark realities. She used the example of the river of the self: expanding the capacity of the river of the self so it doesn't overflow in the face of new waves coming and going through it. That expansion, that tolerance, doesn't mean that you don't react in the world, but just that you are actually more capable of letting things in without collapsing.

Nikki: Beautiful. The idea of expanding our capacity like this river, expanding this tolerance to be able to be with. That is exactly it. You can see equanimity is not being aloof; you are expanding your capacity, your tolerance to be with all things with care. I think I add that aspect of it—with care—so that there is no overwhelm. You can be with the river as it flows through you and your banks are being expanded.

Thank you so much for your practice, your participation, your wholehearted participation, and sharing of yourself with one another. Let's dedicate the goodness of our practice, trusting there are seeds of goodness planted here. May our practice be of benefit to all beings everywhere in ways we cannot fathom and imagine. May all beings be well. May all beings be happy, including ourselves.