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Happy Hour: Compassion as Equal Measures of Empathy and Love - Nikki Mirghafori

The following talk was given by Nikki Mirghafori at Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA on April 11, 2024. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.

Happy Hour: Compassion as Equal Measures of Empathy and Love

Guided Meditation

Hello and welcome everyone to Happy Hour. It is lovely to be with you wherever you are, zooming in or listening to AudioDharma later in time.

For today's practice, I invite us to start practicing sitting together with embodiment, with goodwill, and let ourselves be surprised. I won't say so much about the practice; let's see what arises.

Let’s begin.

Arriving in this moment. Arriving in this body. Whatever has been happening all day—busyness, whatever has been happening—bowing to it. Thank you. I will set you down gently, lovingly, and turn my heart, give my whole heart, to this practice right now.

Let's take some time to acknowledge and appreciate whatever has been happening up to this moment. The to-do lists not completed? It's okay. The busyness, running around, whatever it might have been—decide together, intentionally, to set it down. It's okay. It's all right.

With intention, with a sense of presence, step into this moment—this fresh new moment. As if it's a spring moment, which it is for us in the Northern Hemisphere. As if it's a fresh new moment, the freshness of spring. Letting this body rest. Sit fully. Inhabiting the freshness of this moment. With each breath, each in-breath felt in the body, each out-breath felt in the body. Take time to fully arrive.

Taking time to fully arrive is an expression of goodwill for ourselves. Taking time to be fully present, connected. Inviting ourselves with kindness, with a sense of goodwill, generosity to ourselves. It's okay, sweetheart. Sit. Relax, soften, relax, and receive the breath sensations in the body. Relax and receive. Nothing to do, nowhere to go. No agenda. No "shoulds."

Now, I would like to invite you to bring to mind someone you care about who is having some challenges. This could be yourself as well; you could be bringing yourself to mind if you're having some challenges in your body, in your mind, and your heart. But if you want, let's start actually with someone else. Maybe we'll turn to ourselves later. Let's bring someone else in whom we know, we care about, and bring them to our heart space.

Wishing them ease. May you have ease in the midst of this challenge, this difficulty. May you be free from sorrow, from pain. May you have ease. I wish you well.

It might be that there's only one aspect of your life that's challenging, not every aspect. Also, let yourself have a sense of embodiment, peace, and ease, so there is no sense of overwhelm from the suffering. You are able to meet it in your heart with kindness. You know there is pain, suffering, and challenge, and you meet it with kindness in equal measure.

If it starts to feel overwhelming, lean more into the goodwill and less into the suffering so that it feels more balanced. May you be well. May you have ease. May there be every goodness and blessing for you.

Sense a connection with this being. I care about you. I wish you well. May you have ease as you meet this difficulty and challenge. May you have as much well-being in the midst of it. I wish you well. I wish you ease.

May you have ease. May you have peace in the midst of challenge and difficulty. I wish you well. I care for you. May you be free from this pain.

Now I would like to invite you, if you would—you can either stay with this person or maybe another being you know who is having challenges—or you can bring yourself to your heart space. Are there any difficulties in the body, pains, challenges in the heart space or the mind? Wishing yourself well. Oh dear heart, dear being who is me, I wish you well. I wish you ease.

You can see yourself as a beloved other, addressing yourself as "you" or "me," whichever works better for you. You can try them out for size. May I have ease with this challenge, with this difficulty. May I have ease. I wish myself well. I hold myself with care. May I be free from this difficulty, this pain, sorrow. May I have well-being in the midst of it.

If at any point this connection with the challenge or difficulty becomes too much, overwhelming, then lean more into the goodwill for yourself, into the kindness. Not in the way of pushing away the difficulty or pain, but to balance it. And if it feels too receded—not in touch, not connected, not met—then bring it forth a bit more so that you're turning towards it, not running away, but meeting it with kindness and care. Meeting yourself with kindness. It is pain in the body, pain in the heart. Meeting it with gentleness, goodwill.

May I be well. May I be well in the midst of this.

For the last few minutes of this practice period, bring both yourself and all the beings that you were practicing with earlier. May all of us have ease. Just like me, you want to be free from sorrow. Just like you, I want to be free. May both of us, may all of us have ease. I wish all of us well. You are not so different.

May all beings everywhere, including the person I was thinking of, including myself, may all of us have ease. May we be free from sorrow. May all beings have ease. May all beings be happy. May all beings be free.

The Practice of Compassion

Thanks, everyone. Thanks for your practice.

It is so nourishing to practice compassion for others, for ourselves, for all beings. There's a nourishment in the heart; it expands the heart.

As you noticed, I talked about balancing meeting the challenge—whether it's for others or for ourselves—meeting it in the mind, and balancing that with the level of goodness and goodwill. Because if we are just meeting challenge and pain—"Oh, this is hard, this is painful"—we veer into overwhelm and what's called empathetic distress. It just becomes grief and painful; that's not compassion practice.

If we're not meeting the pain and sorrow at all, and if it's just "May I be well, may you be well," that's Mettā¹ practice, which is lovely and wonderful, but it's not compassion practice. If you want to practice compassion, you must equally meet both the challenge and the pain. "Oh yeah, my back is really hurting." Okay. "May there be ease, may I have ease." Yeah, this is painful. So, both meeting and holding it with ease, both at the same time, in the same measure.

Reflections and Q&A

Participant: I'm thinking that "equal measure" of empathy and love means not to become flooded with the empathy. Is that right? I think I felt a little confused. The first thing I thought was to give as much love as the pain—as big as the pain, to give that much love. But joining them so they become compassion seems a little different than saying "equal measure of both."

Nikki: I think the nuance I'm trying to bring in here with the "equal measure" is not to get overwhelmed with the pain, with the empathy part, just as you were saying. Compassion is made up of two parts. One is empathy: feeling another person's pain, mirror neurons lighting up, really feeling someone's pain—or feeling our own pain ("this is painful, this is hard"). But if we lean into that too much, it just becomes pain practice. It’s not compassion.

As I mentioned, if we lean too much into the Mettā practice—just goodwill—then we're not really meeting the pain. That is fine, it's Mettā practice, but sometimes it may be as if we're pushing the pain away. It implies we are just leaning into Mettā, which may not be skillful depending on what's happening.

So, my saying "equal measure" is to really bring importance to the fact that both are important: both meeting (not turning away) and bringing love to it. The way you put it—to meet the suffering with an equal measure of love—is putting it in the same way.

Participant: I've been sick these last ten days, so I haven't been able to be at the center in person. It was really nice to be able to sit with you all this evening. When we do Mettā practice, it's so nice to focus on somebody else or others. It was nice to spend the energy and the time to really put that energy out instead of always being in this direction [points to self].

Nikki: It's healing to be practicing Mettā and compassion for others, and for yourself as well. You are pointing out something very important, which is that sometimes when we are sick or having a challenging time, we get a little caught in our own suffering, in our own pain. It can go into "Poor me." When we practice Mettā and compassion for others—"Oh, just like me. Oh yeah, there are other people, I wish them well"—it expands our perspective. It makes our pain, our suffering lighter. It's not as heavy.

I am reminded of instructions that suggest if somebody is not feeling well or if they're depressed, one option is to reach out to somebody else who's having a hard time to give them support. Call up a friend who's having a hard time. If you're not feeling up to it, call them and offer help so that you're not being self-preoccupied.

Participant: I really liked this combination of the balance. I wanted a little more thought on how to shift into a wise mind when one is in an emotional mind. For example, today I was finishing up taxes and I was getting a little bit of a hanging at myself for not doing it sooner. I thought, "Give it a rest," but I found my body feeling more tense than I wished. How do you talk yourself down?

Nikki: When I find that there is a judgmental mind—"What are you doing? Why didn't you work on it sooner?"—I literally tell myself, "It's okay, sweetheart. It's all right. It's okay."

It is an expression of kindness. It is also equanimity, because you give that voice a listen. It’s a combination of equanimity—"It's not the end of the world, it's okay"—and compassion—"Yeah, you're really beating yourself up and this is not helpful right now. It's okay, sweetie. Lay off." It is more gentle. We can drop this with gentleness and kindness.

Chat Question: Is feeling sad for someone very different from feeling empathy? To me, it feels the same in my heart.

Nikki: Feeling sad for someone is not necessarily the same as empathy, but it can feel the same. For some, empathy might be more physical. When you are feeling someone else's pain, the empathy could feel more visceral. For some people, it could be expressed as sadness. We're all different. So for the person who wrote this, yes, it could be that for you, feeling the empathetic pain of someone could be feeling sad with them. But as our mirror neurons fire, they can express themselves in many different ways given our individual makeup.

Thank you all. Thank you for showing up to the Happy Hour, practicing and cultivating your heart and your mind for the sake of all beings. May all beings be well, may all beings be happy, including ourselves.