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Happy Hour: Metta for Self - Nikki Mirghafori

The following talk was given by Nikki Mirghafori at Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA on August 20, 2024. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.

Happy Hour: Metta for Self

Guided Meditation

Everyone, to this edition of happy hour, practicing loving kindness. For today's practice, instead of introducing a theme, I think I will introduce a theme while we're practicing. We'll start as always by settling our bodies with the breath and getting settled. Let's just do that. I don't want to talk too much ahead of time.

Let's begin. See if your body needs a stretch as a way of mettā¹ for your body. See what it needs. How does it want to sit in this moment? A moment of care for the body, mettā for the body. Inviting and allowing your body to be comfortable, sitting in a posture that has integrity. Sitting upright, but not stiff. Upright doesn't mean stiff.

In fact, consider your base. The base is very important in how we sit. Consider your base, your sit bones, as they land, as they connect the cushion to the chair, and let your spine rise up from this base in a very relaxed way, as if there's an invisible magnet on top of your head rising up, not being pushed up. Then let the rest of your muscles relax, soften.

Feeling the connection of your feet to the Earth. And feeling the breath moving through your abdomen, perhaps through your chest, through your whole body.

Allowing and inviting the breath to be natural, however it is. In-breath, out-breath. Not controlled, but peaceful, whether deep or shallow, fast or slow. Allowing awareness, allowing loving awareness, to know this breath. Know the appreciation.

Imagining that the breath is moving in and out of the heart center, the center of our chest. Maybe putting a hand on the center of the chest, connecting with yourself, with this being who is you, with a sense of appreciation as the breath is moving in and out of the center of the chest, the heart center.

Bringing more appreciation and goodwill for this being who is you, this being who is me. Perhaps recollecting one act of kindness that you did today. It doesn't have to be huge. Maybe you were generous with your time or generous with a smile or called up a friend. Or you were kind to yourself; you were not harsh on yourself today or yesterday, the past few days. Bring this act of kindness, generosity, to your heart and appreciate yourself as if you're appreciating someone else who had done it.

That was nice. That was sweet. That was caring or generous. Let yourself savor and appreciate this expression of goodness, goodwill from yourself, from you to someone else or to yourself.

Maybe another act of kindness comes to your mind, comes to your heart. "That was nice. That was kind of me. I went out of my way." It could be any time in the past few days. It doesn't have to be huge. Maybe it wasn't an act of kindness so much, but it was an act of restraint. You could have said something or done something that wouldn't have been very kind or wise, and you didn't. So appreciate yourself for that.

It is a tender, could be very small, act of recognition of your own goodness. Don't belittle your own goodness. It could be an act of courage, stepping a little out of your comfort zone to do something skillful.

Again, if you don't have a hand on your heart center, in your chest, try doing that and see how it might actually enliven this practice, this somatic gesture.

And born from this appreciation, wishing yourself well. Wishing this being who is kind, generous, has goodness, sharing your blessings, your goodwill, your good wishes freely.

May I be well. May this being who is me be safe, as safe as possible, knowing that the world is not completely safe. So it's not attaching to the idea of safety; it's just wishing safety, offering freely. May I be happy, as happy as possible. Again, not attaching to the idea. It's not a demand, just a good wish. May I be happy. May I be healthy, as much as possible. Not as an intention or affirmation, just as a gift with no strings attached. May I be healthy. And may my life have ease. May it unfold with ease.

Make sure it's not demanding or a prayer strong like, "I want this to happen." It's just you offering every gift of goodwill to yourself, wishing this being well.

May I be safe. May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I have ease.

If the phrases are too complicated, you can just say, "May I be well." If you're new to this practice, that's fine. And if the goodwill runs dry, then remember again another act of kindness or goodwill and connect with that. Otherwise, stay with the sense of goodwill, good wishes, and phrases for yourself.

Sometimes it might be easier to wish yourself well if you see yourself from a third person's perspective. Step out of yourself and wish yourself well. Or perhaps see yourself as a younger version of yourself, wishing yourself well as a baby.

May I be safe. May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I have ease.

Or maybe it's appropriate for the phrase to be, "May I love and accept myself just as I am." Or if that's not available, "I aspire, may I grow into loving and accepting myself just as I am." Or if it is accessible, "I love and accept myself just as I am. I love myself. I accept myself." Allowing a sense of enoughness, which is not the same as resignation, but the sense of enoughness to be here, not a sense of lack.

Maybe the phrase becomes: "Enough time. Enough."

See which phrase works best for you. Maybe the phrase might even become, "I love myself." Or perhaps even, if it feels right, "I am love. May I live with love in this world. May I radiate love for myself and others. May I radiate kindness, goodwill, friendliness from myself and others. May I be safe for myself and others." See if it feels right.

As we turn to bring this sitting period to a close together, notice what your body is feeling. Is there a little more calm, peace, space? Perhaps a tiny, tiny, tiny bit more kindness compared to before? Trusting that we're planting seeds of goodwill and kindness for ourselves, for others, for the world. May our practice, these plantings of seeds, be of service to ourselves and everyone, to grow in kindness, goodwill, happiness, and well-being in the world.

May all beings be happy. May all beings be at ease. May all beings be free.

Thanks, everyone. Thanks for your practice.

Reflections

We began tonight with turning towards appreciation for ourselves, recollecting perhaps a kind act, something generous that we had done, and turning towards appreciation for this being who's me. From appreciation, turning towards goodwill for this person who's me, mettā for myself. And I offered a lot of different phrases today. The sense of well-being that the four phrases of mettā—with safety, happiness, health, and ease—just simple well-being. Or if the sense of appreciation for myself, for this person who's me, could be leading into mettā to be available as acceptance, as a sense of love, and maybe radiating love, or enoughness.

So there are a lot of ways that today this practice is inviting you to experiment. Mettā is a creative practice. We see where we are, what really works. It's more a practice to be done as a feather, with gentleness, not as a hammer and chisel.

So now, Happy Hour on Zoom at this time, we turn to an invitation to practice together. We were doing silent mettā; now we do interactive mettā for six or seven minutes in small groups. And the invitation for the interactive mettā is to enter into these small groups of three or four with a sense of goodwill for yourself, for other people. There's nothing you have to say, really, right or wrong. But maybe you just silently hold space for others. If you feel like sharing a word or two about how this practice was for you, feel free to do that, but please stay with the practice right here, right now.

The invitation is to go speak in alphabetical order. The first person will just offer something, not a long monologue, just a brief bit. It could be anything, like, "Tonight my mind was distracted," or "I was sleepy," or "Oh, I really liked the 'I am enough.' It just felt right for me tonight. That's what I needed to hear." Or not, or whatever it is, just very simple. And then the next person will offer something, the next person, and it will come back to you, so it goes round and round. Please don't comment on each other's practice or ask questions. Just let there be a sense of a stone soup. We're sharing with one another and just holding loving, kind space. It's rare, it's beautiful to have these safe spaces, so please make it a safe space for yourself and for one another. Not too much chitter-chatter, and stay with the practice. This is a formal practice in small groups. And if you see somebody is not, you know, just talking about today and yesterday or talking about politics, like, "No, no, it's okay, you know, let's stay with practice." Let's stay with practice in a very kind way, a very kind way. So with all that, I'm going to create the small groups, the breakout rooms. Be kind to yourself, be kind to one another.

Welcome back, everyone. It's always nice to see smiles after you've connected with one another. That's sweet. And okay if not, it's all good.

Q&A

So we have some time for reflections, if you'd like to share with everyone how this was for you. And your reflections support everyone. And also questions. Questions are welcome, reflections, questions. You can raise your Zoom hand. That way I can see you, because for privacy reasons, my image is large, so your images are not streamed on YouTube. Only mine is. So I only get to see a few of you on top. I don't see everybody.

Claudia: I want to first of all thank you for being here. I just love your voice and it's just so beautiful for me to hear it because it really helps me with my self-talk. And for whatever reason, your voice really over the years has just been doing it for me, and just to hear it today has just been a complete blessing. And I first of all want to just tell you how grateful I am to have you here.

Nikki: Thank you, Claudia.

Claudia: I need to say one more thing.

Nikki: Yes, please, please. I was just gonna thank you back for your practice and just, yeah, deeply, deeply grateful for your practice, for doing this practice and using whatever support is available, including this voice. Not me, not mine, it happens to be this way. So take it. Please, whatever is supportive. This is so lovely. Thank you, my heart is brightened. The next piece?

Claudia: Okay, so the next piece is a little bit more difficult because I was in a group, and you gave very, very, very, very, very, very clear instructions. Very clear. Yet it wasn't to me, it was to another person. That person did not have a safe space. And I could not unmute fast enough to say, "Um, excuse me, let's remember." But I really don't understand, year after year after year this keeps happening. And I've been also on the receiving end of people commenting about my stuff, and I don't really appreciate it. But I was on the receiving end of being a bystander today, and I don't appreciate it. And I felt bad about the other person. So whatever mettā we created... we were talking about perception, we create things in our own mind. Sure, this is something that I'm creating in my mind. However, this is a group that as a whole, we have agreed to certain boundaries. And I don't understand how literally 10 seconds later, this does not happen.

Nikki: Yeah, I appreciate you raising this. I really appreciate you raising it, and also raising it to the group because it can be an ouch for the person who receives, or an ouch for the person who's witnessing, ouch all around. So I really appreciate you raising this. And Claudia, I would really, if you would please stay afterwards, I'd like to connect with you a little more about this one-on-one, especially about what happened in the group and if there's more care that's needed, both for you and for the other person. So I'd like to, if you would be so kind as to stay for just a couple of minutes afterwards, I would appreciate it. Thank you.

And it's, I like to think that we're doing the best we can. And sometimes in social situations, if somebody says something, perhaps—I don't know what the situation was—but if someone says something that's difficult or tender, the other person maybe is trying to make it okay somehow, like comments on their situation, trying to support them and make it okay so that they don't feel bad, they don't feel uncomfortable. And that's something that can happen. Also, it's not helpful in mettā spaces. We need to also be able to practice equanimity, to just allow what has been said to be there and hold space with kindness, without fixing it. So maybe that's a comment that from now on I'm going to bring in when I set up the groups, you know, don't try to fix each other. Just let each other be. Accept with mettā, love each other just as you are. Don't try to fix each other. I think that might be, again, I like to attribute that to goodwill, but a little misguided, not enough wisdom. There is goodwill but not enough wisdom. And if you would stay, that would be great. We can check in afterwards. I really appreciate it, Claudia.

Nick: Yes, I'm gonna keep mine very quick. It was a really beautiful set, and as I shared to the group, it turned into something very joyous and almost whimsical for me because I've got a window open on a beautiful Chicago evening in the summer, and I could hear the ice cream truck in my neighborhood for about 20 minutes of the 30-minute set. And it just kept... this brought up all this just joy. And especially when you brought up the phrases, "I am enough" and "I have enough," that really resonated at that point for me. So thank you.

Nikki: Oh, that's beautiful. Thanks for speaking about how you incorporated the sounds of life, of living—the ice cream truck and the joy of that—instead of, "Oh, the ice cream truck is distracting me from my meditation." Right? That could be where the mind goes. Instead, letting it, really including everything as a part of our practice. Thank you so much, Nick. Appreciate it. Yeah, lovely.

Jerry: Um, first of all, I echo Claudia's comments. So it's great to see you back, and your voice is amazing and your work. The question I have... I have a comment and then a question. So a friend once recently said to me, "May you be so compassionate toward others, but may you seem to be very critical of yourself." And of course, my work as a physician, I try to be compassionate and keep clear boundaries. But when I then come to judge myself, well, I push harder. And then, "Why haven't I done this? Why haven't I done this?" And then, of course, that comes back. And she said, "You need to be more compassionate with yourself." So of course, this was fitting for what we talked about tonight. And I guess I wondered if... so the question is, in this tradition of Theravada², is loving-kindness, which I love, mettā, is it more prominent than in other traditions in Buddhism, or is it prominent in Buddhism generally?

Nikki: Yeah. So the first, an implied question about kindness to yourself, right? Mettā and compassion to yourself. And mettā and compassion, as you already know by now, they're related but not the same thing. Compassion is mettā when mettā meets challenge, pain, suffering, self-criticism. It becomes compassion. So that is what's needed. So please, please keep practicing kindness, mettā, compassion for yourself. And it works. We know that it works. So, um, and then with the question of whether this is more prominent in this tradition or another tradition... in all traditions of Buddhism, mettā is there. In the Theravada Buddhism, mettā is the primary one. And in the other tradition, in the Tibetan tradition, compassion is the primary. So compassion, which is mettā meeting suffering. And in Zen, it's there, it's not leaned into as much. Emptiness is leaned into more. So it's part of all Buddhist teachings, but anyway, that's the theoretical part. In terms of practical part, keep practicing, Jerry, keep practicing. Yeah, thank you.

Panova (from chat): During meditation, when you mentioned lacking, I feel like my sati³, samadhi⁴, and vipassanā⁵ is not fulfilled yet. This is the most important part, but I feel lacking in this area. May I ask what I should do?

Nikki: Right, I appreciate it. I appreciate both of what you wrote. So, with the question that you have, this sense of lacking... if for your practice not to have completed, not to have come to full fruition, if it supports you and it inspires you, let it be inspiring instead of a feeling of lack. Let it feel inspiring that, "Oh, yes, there is more," so that it can be onward leading. So that the practice can continue to be onward leading. Yes, there is more, instead of like, "Oh, I'm not enough, I haven't done it yet." That can be contracting and can limit your progress. I hope that makes sense. Right? You can still have this feeling of, "I want to practice, I want to fulfill my potential," but from a place of aspiration so that it lifts up your heart, instead of a feeling of lack, "I'm not enough." And those two feel very differently. I hope that makes sense as an answer to your question. Inspiration, that means there's still progress, yes. So, inspired to make progress instead of out of lack, out of, "I'm not good enough." So shift that.

Megan (from chat): Where does self-forgiveness play into the practice of mettā?

Nikki: Yeah, self-forgiveness is related to the practice of mettā, even more the practice of self-compassion, actually, because there is pain and suffering. And self-forgiveness is quite a practice, quite a development. And given that there's only a couple of minutes left and it's quite a practice, I'm not going to bring it all in. It's maybe another session. And if you search for forgiveness on Audio Dharma, you'll find self-forgiveness.

Karen (from chat): Is it okay to name teachers who have been a source of inspiration or skillful means?

Nikki: That's okay, but not so much as a... I think it becomes a little difficult when you're saying, "Well, you go do that." Right? It depends on the spirit in which it's offered. It all depends on this. So you sound like, "This teaching or this teacher or this other person has been inspiring to me." You know, speak from your own experience instead of telling, "Oh, you need that." It's that spirit in which things can be shared. Really speak from your own experience instead of telling others what to do. I think that's another important thing to keep in mind. And when in doubt, say less. Less is more. Less is more. When in doubt, less is more.

All right, dear ones. It's time to say goodbye. So thank you all for your practice. Deep, deep appreciation for all of you for coming together and doing our best here. We are all doing our best, and sometimes our best is a little clunky, and it's okay. Let's keep practicing together in community. May all beings be well. May all beings be happy, including ourselves. Thanks, everyone.