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Wholesome Self Whisper - Gil Fronsdal

The following talk was given by Gil Fronsdal at Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA on September 29, 2024. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.

Wholesome Self Whisper

I thought of starting this talk with a warning because I'm going to say something that some people immediately turn off, so just pay attention and get through this. I'm going to introduce to you a Pali word, an ancient Buddhist word. Some people, as soon as they hear that Pali is going to be spoken or these ancient words, they think, "Okay, this is not for me." But this word is, in my mind, maybe the most important word to learn if you want to understand Buddhism and a little bit of the ancient language. What's important about this word, and the reason to use the ancient language version of it, is that there's no one English word that translates it. The word can mean a variety of things in English, but the two main ones are wholesome and skillful. In some contexts it means wholesome, in some contexts it means skillful, and it's not so clear which of these contexts or which translation to use. So, some people just leave it untranslated. We might also just use two words: wholesome skillfulness or skillful wholesomeness. The word is kusala¹.

The concept of it, or the experience of it, the attunement to what is skillful and unskillful, wholesome and unwholesome, lies at the heart of what Buddhism has to teach. All of Buddhism flows from this particular concept, this particular human experience. As a way of beginning to introduce it more, I would like to use a simile: that of a horse whisperer.

A horse whisperer is someone who trains horses, usually in the field of what's called natural horsemanship. These are people who have sometimes gone into the wild with horses, living together and learning to see how they communicate and relate to each other. Then they come back and use positive reinforcement to work with the horse, where they approach them with great rapport and sensitivity in ways that don't intimidate the horse, so the horse feels safe and develops a sense of trust in the person. Then there's positive reinforcement, where they get trained to communicate with the human, and the human can ask them to do certain things, and they're happy to do it.

There are similar people for dogs, though they're not called dog whisperers; there are natural forms of training dogs. One of the things they have learned with dog training, and horses as well, is that using negative reinforcement, using pain for example to train them, actually works faster. You can train them quicker, but the results in the long term are not as good. For example, they have military dogs who they might need to bring into places of great conflict and war. They found that if they use negative reinforcement to train the dog to do what it has to do, the dog becomes chronically anxious, and that anxiety doesn't serve the dog well in a conflict situation. But if they use positive reinforcement, the dog has a certain kind of confidence and doesn't have the anxiety, so it can go into conflictive situations and remain confident and more responsive in a good way.

Buddhism is similar. Buddhism is asking you to be a self-whisperer. I don't know all your names, but if I could, I would go around the room and say each of your names. Sveta is supposed to become a Sveta-whisperer, and Alex an Alex-whisperer. For each of you to become your own whisperer means that you develop a rapport, a sensitivity, that your inner life trusts you. When you approach and come in, you are there to read the person that you are in some deeper way than you would if you show up with your regular concepts, your anxiety, your hostility, your self-criticism. There's all kinds of ways that we approach ourselves.

Whatever way we approach ourselves, we are training ourselves. That's one of the principles of Buddhism: whatever way we live our life, whatever way we speak, whatever way we act, even how we think, has an influence on us. In classic Buddhist language, it's called conditioning; we are conditioning ourselves. If we're a self-whisperer, we're paying attention to what's being conditioned. We're paying attention to what the consequences are as we go about our life, and we care about that. We notice a difference between an effect or an influence it has on our body, heart, and mind that is unwholesome and unskillful, and one that is skillful and wholesome. Being able to read ourselves really well in this way guides us in how we find the Buddhist path.

In fact, the goal in Buddhism is for you to become your own teacher. How do you do that? By being able to read yourself or listen to yourself really well. Become a self-whisperer, then you'll find your way. You don't have to impose on yourself Buddhist beliefs; you don't have to impose on yourself Buddhist ideas of what you should be doing. Buddhism would rather have you understand this principle, this way of being a horse whisperer, so that what guides you is wholesomeness.

When it's translated as wholesomeness, the word kusala, I sometimes associate with health. We're doing that which is health-producing—maybe not physical health, which is a little bit more complicated, but certainly psychological health, inner health for our inner well-being, mental health. So the question is: is what I'm doing healthy or not healthy? Another word I associate with this word kusala is nourishing. Does it nourish us or does it denourish us? All these things are things we can feel and sense, and a lot of it is sensing it in our own body. The body provides the evidence for what is nourishing, what is wholesome, not some abstract idea of morality. Occasionally, the word wholesome has ethical connotations, and people think it means following some rules of right and wrong, good and bad. There's something like that in Buddhism, perhaps; it's not absent of that. But the core thing, the evaluation for ethics in Buddhism, is not the moral principles but rather the wholesome reference points inside of ourselves for what is wholesome and what is not wholesome. That becomes the source of our ethics, when we see the consequences for ourselves.

To be a self-whisperer for ourselves means to pay attention to the body signals. Just as a horse whisperer really pays attention to body language—how the body language of the human affects the horse and also the body language of the animal—so too we must pay attention to our own body language. What's happening in our body? Where is there tension, where's there tightness, where's there anxious energy? Where does the focus of attention go? What's activated in our body? Where does the body start feeling more relaxed and softer? Where does the body behave in ways that feel nourishing, feel wholesome, feel healthy?

For some people, that's a huge challenge, to use their own body as a reference point. Some people have never had any practice with doing that. They have a lot of practice with paying attention to what's on a screen, and that's how we learn and change, by what's on the screen, reading things and hearing things. For some people, the body is a very difficult place to be. There's a lot of pain, physical pain, sometimes psychological pain in the body that makes it hard to drop in there. It's like how these dog and horse trainers have to work with traumatized dogs and traumatized horses. There's a whole skill in how to approach someone who has that kind of issue. For oneself, how do we approach ourselves when it's traumatizing to touch into our inner life and our body? What kind of care do we need? How do we help this inner life trust us, that it's okay for us to approach?

I saw a photograph once of a person who was a horse whisperer, approaching a horse who was part of a wild pack. She was crouched down, bent down, so as to clearly not be a threatening presence. You could see the photograph of the horse coming over to her with its head down, because her head was so low, coming close to check her out. So how do you approach yourself? With what kind of compassion and care, gentleness, so that what's in there trusts showing itself to you?

Skillfulness is also a nice translation because it emphasizes that it's a skill to develop. I'm fond of the idea that when a craftsperson is learning a craft and they become skilled at it, they're learning how—like a potter on a wheel can make pots. That's a skill to learn and a craft to learn. As they're learning the craft of making the bowl, the craftsperson is crafting themselves. They're reshaping themselves. They're learning how to move, how to sense, how to focus, how to hold their body, how to be attuned to something outside of themselves, and how to be involved in a reciprocal relationship of self and other, self and pot, pot and self. There's a change, and you can see someone who's really skilled at a craft, for example, sometimes there's a beauty in watching how they've been shaped, their movements, their elegance, their simplicity, and their attunement. I've watched people who are craftspeople, and one of the things that has moved me is their focus. Their attention is right there. They can't be too focused, they can't be too little focused; they have to be right there. They have to track themselves. They have to be able to know when they're getting distracted, recognize when the mind is drifting away, or recognize when their mind is interfering with judgments. They have to track it enough to be able to maintain just the right pressure on the bowl to make a thin bowl. It's a real skill.

To be skillful in Buddhist practice is both to shape ourselves and be shaped by the shaping. So here we are back to how. For wholesomeness, how we approach ourselves is important, how we pay attention to ourself, how we attend to ourselves, so that this inner life can receive positive reinforcement. And with skill, again, how do we change? How are we impacted by the very skill, how we are doing and building a skill?

Not a few Buddhist practitioners have been introduced to meditation who are maybe very competent and capable in the world of getting what they want by hard effort, by bearing down and studying hard and getting everything, with a furrow in the forehead in the process. So they're ready to do it in the usual way, and it doesn't work. I've done that, where I've tried to use the old way of getting really engaged, and sometimes I got a headache, which is not very healthy or wholesome. Sometimes I despaired because it didn't work. There were times where it didn't work, so I tried harder. That worked even less. So of course, I tried harder until I just came to rock bottom. It was so hard for me; I was so critical and upset and felt hopeless. It was only by reaching rock bottom that I was able to give up a certain effort, and only then could I discover a wholesome way to begin doing my meditation practice.

Part of Buddhist practice is to be able to read yourself, or sense yourself, or feel yourself. And what are we feeling? We're sensing and feeling: does this feel good in a healthy way? Does this feel right in a way that feels harmonious with being a connected, attuned human being? It's not about becoming sensitive and aware of what we want and what we don't want in and of itself, because that can come from conceit, from greed and attachment. We really want to step back and look more deeply and see what it feels like to want, what it feels like not to want. Sometimes we'll see that it comes out of a place that feels quite wholesome, feels good; we're caring for ourselves and caring for the world, and that caring can feel really nice. Other times, it's clear it involves a place of clinging, of being twisted up inside or being contracted or tight, where you can really feel an irritation, a form of suffering in the very effort to want something. We can see the consequence is not so good on us.

This is so important because we're trying to also break the addictions of the mind. Not a few meditators have come thinking, "I'm not an addict," until they sit down and watch their mind. Their thoughts are so driven. We're so caught up over and over again in the same thoughts, pulled into the world of thoughts and preoccupations, pulled into certain emotions over and over and over again, seemingly without being able to control it, like something has us in its grip. Some people are so in the midst of anxiety or resentments or complaining and cynicism or all kinds of things, and they've been that way for decades that they think this is life as it should be. You don't even see it, because it's like a fish doesn't see the water it's in. But as we sit and get quiet in meditation, we start seeing some of the habits of the mind. Some of them are difficult to see; some of them involve a kind of addiction, really being grabbed and caught in something.

The question is, what do we do about that that's wholesome? What do we do about that that's skillful? What do we do so that something inside of us, maybe the very powerful forces of attachments that we can have, trust us and feel it's okay to come out and be seen? Maybe there's a kind of—not positive reinforcement for being attached—but maybe there's some equivalent of approaching in a way that our attachments don't feel threatened, don't feel that we're critical of them or see them as being automatically wrong. Maybe we approach them with kindness, with gentleness. I think for these horse whisperers and dog whisperers, kindness and gentleness is one of the hallmarks of that kind of work. So how do we do that for ourselves?

Some people will protest, "You can't be gentle and tender because we have to be stern. We have to fight and be aggressive to get our way. That's the only way we're going to get our way." Buddhist practice will leave you alone to do that, but if you're paying careful attention, you'll start seeing sooner or later that this isn't serving you, that somehow the influence on the system doesn't feel good. What has a much better influence is care, compassionate care, friendly care, kind care for this person that we are, care for all the different ins and outs of our complicated inner life. How do we approach it, and how do we cultivate it and develop it?

Buddhism emphasizes becoming skilled at recognizing what is wholesome and unwholesome in ourselves, and the emphasis is on cultivating the wholesome. For people who want to meditate in the classic model of Buddhist practice, before starting to meditate you would first learn this topic of wholesomeness and unwholesomeness. You would understand how to navigate through these two major concepts. You'd learn to avoid what's unhealthy and learn to promote what is healthy. There's actually a choice that's being engaged here in Buddhism: choosing one over the other.

In this classic teaching, before meditating, you would learn about four steps. When you're doing something that is harmful to yourself or others, something unwholesome, something unskillful: stop. Just stop. Easier said than done, I know, but there are some occasional times where you can just stop what you're doing.

Second, if you're not doing anything unwholesome, prevent the unwholesome from arising in the future. In other words, create the conditions in your life so that some of the unwholesome behavior that you have won't get triggered. For example, I know that if I'm stressed out, I'm more likely to get grumpy and say unhelpful comments to the people I'm with. So it's important not to be stressed. How easy is it not to be stressed in this life that we're living? The boss of society is asking so much of us, how can we even think about not being stressed? For some people, to give into it means that maybe we perpetuate the unwholesome because we have set up the conditions for that to happen. How do we cultivate a way of being that isn't so stressed? Some people find that meditation helps. Some people depend on a daily meditation practice; it sets the stage for the day so that they're much less likely to be triggered into the unwholesome in a reactive way. So it isn't just a matter of staying in the present moment that Buddhism emphasizes. It emphasizes taking a good look at the bigger picture of your day, of your week, of your year, of your life, and asking what are the conditions you need to put in place so that you're less likely to be triggered in unwholesome ways.

The third is, if you're not doing anything wholesome at all, do something wholesome. Evoke it, bring it forth. If you haven't smiled at anyone all day, try smiling. Find a stranger, anybody. If you can't find a person, at least smile at the dog or the horse or something. Do something wholesome. Speak in a wholesome way to someone, in a way that's nourishing for you, that feels good for you, where you develop a rapport with the person you're speaking with that's nice. When I go to the supermarket, I'm fond of seeing what kind of rapport I can have with the checkout clerk. Sometimes they're hardly looking at me, and sometimes they're clearly present and available for some kind of human exchange. Sometimes I've missed that, and I feel bad afterwards. Wow, that person was there and available, but I was so involved with my things, getting out of there as quickly as I could. But I've tried to have a practice of really seeing if I can have a rapport. Can I say hello? Can I check in? Can I have a conversation? I've had some great conversations with checkout clerks who were doing this wonderful work for us, sometimes in just a minute. So do things that are wholesome. Meditate—that's considered to be wholesome. But it's possible to meditate unwholesomely, if you spend the whole time rehearsing your resentments. Can you find a way then to approach the resentful forces that we have in a kind way, or approach it with gentleness, with a quiet approach? Approach it as if you're going to be somebody trustworthy, trusted by the resentment, so you can feel and sense what's going on, feel the tension in the body, feel the difficult energies in the body, and hold it carefully. The how of approaching your own challenges is wholesome, even if what I'm feeling is really difficult. One of the wholesome things is to be patient, to listen. It's very respectful to our inner life to approach it with care, with love, with tenderness, with gentleness. "Here, let me get to know you better." As you do that, you're doing two things, just like the potter is doing two things. The potter is shaping the bowl, and the potter is shaping themselves. So you're beginning to shape or have some positive influence on that part of you that holds the resentment, and you're shaping yourself as the person who can do that. As meditation practice gets deeper, it's really wonderful to feel the mutuality between how you're shaping something inside of yourself and how in doing so, you're shaping yourself at the same time. The how we're doing something.

The reason I wanted to emphasize this is the last of the four steps. In the first three, when the Buddha talks about it, he only has one verb to describe what you do: stop, prevent, and initiate. But the last one has to do with when you find wholesome states, wholesome activity going on within you. Listen to what he says about that. For wholesome states that are occurring, one engages one's mind for the continuation, non-forgetting, increase, abundance, cultivation, and fulfillment of these wholesome states. That's a mouthful. And I love the word abundance. The idea of abundance, not just wholesome, but an abundant sense of wholesomeness. Isn't that nice?

Sometimes people have an association with Buddhism that it's about the Four Noble Truths, and we have to suffer better, and we have to understand our suffering and let go of our clinging. That's all kind of good and wise and understandable, but it's kind of flat. Suffering and the end of it. Okay. But here the message is an abundance of wholesomeness. Wow, really? We're allowed to do that in Buddhism? I thought it was just about non-attachment. Let go, let go, let go. Yes, let go in a wholesome way. There's a way of letting go that's so wholesome that you're filled with wholesomeness.

For the continuation, when you're doing something wholesome, notice it. It feels good for you, it's healthy for you, maybe for others too. Keep doing it. Stay close to it. Then it says don't forget it, don't lose touch with it, stay in touch. That takes mindfulness to pay attention. Then increase it, do a little bit more, do it more in a wholesome way. Don't do more in an unwholesome way. Make it abundant, cultivate it, and bring it to fulfillment.

We see that in how the Buddha teaches meditation and the path in other ways, over and over again. The way he teaches the Buddhist meditation path is with words like developing happiness, joy, delight, gladness, contentment. To understand the wholesome is to understand how to find our way to be happy and joyful and content. To just sit meditating and wishfully hope, "One day I'll be happy if I just sit here enough, something wonderful will happen and I'll be happy and free of my suffering," is a little bit of magical thinking if you just think that sitting here is going to do it. There's also being a self-whisperer and sensing and feeling and understanding what you're doing that's wholesome and unwholesome, what you're doing that's happiness-producing. Where do you find the happiness? How do you evoke it? Maybe you're more happy than you realize. Maybe there's more opportunities for joy than you avail yourself of.

Go out on a nice day. Now it's blue sky. Do you leave here in a hurry to get to the next thing and not notice the nice weather? I think it's kind of nice out there. I hope I go out and notice and feel some delight and joy in such a simple thing. Not only is it just good to do that; in Buddhism, it's part of a strategy, a skillfulness in trying to cultivate more and more of this so that it becomes abundant in our lives. Not Pollyanna-ish, not as a pretend that things are all good, but rather so that we can really meet the tremendous suffering in our world and our society, and sometimes in ourselves, in a way that's wholesome and effective and meaningful. It's so much more effective to meet it and be with it if we've found some way to develop these wholesome, good qualities inside ourselves, including happiness. That's the skill, that's the art of what Buddhism is working with. And that's why this word wholesomeness, or kusala—wholesome skillfulness, skillful wholesomeness—is so important.

My hope is that through this talk, you'll never need to come back here again. You've learned everything you need to do for Buddhism, and it'll take you all the way to liberation.

Community Discussion

We do have a potluck today, and everyone's welcome to come. You didn't have to bring anything; it's mostly just an excuse for us to be together in a nice way. If you're new to IMC, you're welcome to just walk up to people and say hello. I think people here are friendly. They might get absorbed in their conversations, but you know. And if you've been here a long time, look around and see who might be standing there that it would be nice to say hello to.

We do have 10 minutes before the potluck. For those of you who are willing to stay for a few minutes, maybe turn to one or two people next to you. Look around, make sure no one's just left sitting there alone. Then say hello, introduce yourself briefly, and share a little bit about what you think of this idea of becoming a self-whisperer that I talked about today. Thank you.