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Living Kindness: Buddhist Teachings for a Troubled World - Talk 4 (6 of 6) - Kevin Griffin

The following talk was given by Kevin Griffin at The Sati Center in Redwood City, CA on October 08, 2023. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.

Living Kindness: Buddhist Teachings for a Troubled World - Talk 4 (6 of 6)

Q&A: Loving Kindness in Practice

There was a question in the chat that I think is worth addressing, and it somewhat leads to my next topic. Patricia asked: "I have a hard time getting in touch with loving kindness and accepting loving kindness. Do you just keep practicing it until it flows? I have tried starting with a kitten and easy things."

I think that is a very skillful approach. I believe it is Ajahn Brahm¹ who says that is the best way to practice, anyway.

First of all, this is one of the points I address in my book that I haven't really brought up that much today. I think we can get too much into the idea of loving kindness as a feeling. That is an element of it, and it's not to be dismissed, but that feeling isn't always going to be there. When we get into a struggle like, "Oh, I should be feeling this," or "I want to be feeling this," then we are essentially saying that the way we feel right now isn't okay. We are in conflict with reality.

Now, you can cultivate it. You can try to change the way you feel. If you do that in a non-aggressive, gentle way—inclining toward that—that's lovely, and it is part of what we are doing with the practice. But that cultivation will either work or it won't. If it doesn't work and we have set this feeling as a standard, then we tell ourselves, "Well, I'm not practicing loving kindness."

Whereas, if we go back and look at some of the points I made earlier: if you are harmonizing with the people you live with, then you are acting out of loving kindness. If you are practicing the precepts—just as I said about making yourself not be a foe—you are practicing loving kindness. Bhikkhu Anālayo², one of the great modern scholars of Buddhism, says that if you are practicing the precepts and being non-harming in your life, that is inherently an act of compassion for the world.

What creates harm in this world? Violence, greed, sexual harm, lying, and intoxication. Those are the five opposites of the precepts. If you are not doing those things, you are already contributing something peaceful to the world. You are another person bringing calm and non-harming into the world.

I like to think of my loving kindness practice as having these different dimensions. I try to cultivate the feeling, but what do I know about feelings? Number one, they are impermanent. I am not going to be able to force them. When my daughter was four years old and I went on retreat to do loving kindness practice, it was huge. I would just think of her, and my heart would explode. She's 25 now, and it doesn't work! [Laughter] I mean, it's not my fault. I think of her, I love her, but it doesn't explode in the same way. It's a beautiful feeling, but really, loving kindness is more about how we live and how we view the world.

Do we view the world through a lens of anger and judgment, or through a lens of compassion and kindness? Are we able to see the suffering even in our enemy and feel compassion for them? People have objected, particularly non-Buddhists, when I say I have compassion for billionaires. They ask, "How can you have compassion for billionaires? They're ruining the world!" I agree, I don't believe there should be billionaires. But since there are, what I see is that to become a billionaire, you have to be driven by so much greed that you are inevitably caught in dukkha³. Your life becomes entirely about protecting those billions, and so you are suffering. I understand, I have compassion for you, and I want you to give that money away right now, which will free you, by the way.

This is just one example of what this practice is meant to do. It is meant to give us insight and wisdom that frees the heart. A significant reason I wrote this book is that I felt the practice of loving kindness has become a "feel-good" practice. People think, "I'm going to do this meditation, and then I'm just going to be happy. I have too much anger, and I'll get rid of it by meditating on loving kindness, and then my life will be good." Look, we all have anger. It's just human, and it's okay. Have compassion for your anger. Don't harbor resentment toward your anger; that is just doubling the anger.

In the meantime, continue to do the practice. Cultivate it, try using the phrases, and see what happens. When I try to work with loving kindness, the results give me information about what my current state is like. "Where am I at right now? Oh, right now my heart is really open, it's lovely. Oh, right now my heart is kind of closed." I will try to work with that, but I won't be in a battle with myself.

The starting point is always: this is how it is. Whether it is pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral, I need to accept this. Acceptance doesn't mean passivity or apathy. It doesn't mean, "Well, this is how it is, there's nothing I can do about it." It means, "This is how it is; this is where I'm starting from. How can I move into a skillful state without creating harm?"

That is the tricky thing. When we see that we need to change and that we have stuff that needs to be worked on, we need to do something about it. But if you say, "I'm overweight, I'm going to stop eating," that might work for a day or two, but it's not violence to ourselves. "I'm really out of shape, I'm going to go to the gym for 8 hours." No. We have to do this skillfully, wisely, and carefully.

Questioner (Ruby): I love your comment about not making this a feel-good exercise, and really finding value in daily life. In terms of cultivating loving kindness, it reminds me of a quote from the Buddha: "Whatever the mind frequently ponders upon becomes the inclination of the mind." I've always thought of it as brainwashing yourself. Can you comment on that?

Kevin: Yes, you're saying we sort of brainwash ourselves by thinking about the same things over and over. That is a good way of characterizing it. That is why mindfulness of thoughts is so important—to see what we keep thinking about and why. We can get so obsessed in our current political situation, for example. We can get caught in frustration and anger because maybe we just want to be informed and educated, but we wind up angry all the time. Our intention is something good, but it goes awry.

It is a really important piece to see what the obsessions of the mind are doing. I remember on one of my first long retreats, we did chanting every day. Because I am a musician, when I started the retreat, I kept hearing songs in my mind. About halfway through the retreat, the songs gradually faded away, and the chants took over. I was chanting these positive things, and it was a positive form of brainwashing.

I actually have an album called Laughing Buddha, and I put the Karaniya Metta Sutta⁴ to music. People have told me that by listening to it, they start to sing the metta phrases to themselves. They catch themselves radiating kindness over the entire world, and they realize, "Oh, this is really good to have in my mind, instead of whatever other lyrics I might happen to be listening to." So yes, it is a really important piece to see what those tendencies are, and to cultivate the habit of loving kindness, because that is better than the three roots of greed, aversion, and delusion. But again, it's not something you can force. The other tendencies of the mind are still going to arise, and if we take a hostile attitude towards them, then we are creating hostility in the mind. It is a very delicate process.

Questioner (Jim): Just a quick comment. As you were talking earlier about accepting what our thoughts are, or what is actually happening at any given moment, I was left with the realization that acceptance doesn't mean approval. And forgiveness doesn't mean condoning, which is something Jack Kornfield⁵ says in his forgiveness meditation.

Kevin: Yes, that's right. These are subtle places that we have to work with. It's very easy to get these spiritual messages—"This is the way you're supposed to be, this is good, this is bad"—and then we realize we have backed ourselves into a corner. We think, "Wait, what if I'm forgiving you and you murdered somebody? Does that mean I don't think you should be punished?" No, that's a legal question.

Acceptance is helping me not be in internal conflict with the way things are. But that is not the end of the process; that is the beginning of the process. I cannot engage in a process of change without acceptance. If I start a process of change in conflict with reality, I am automatically in turmoil. The challenge is: can I just say, "This is how it is. I don't like it, I would like it to change, but let me just breathe with it and see if some clarity about how to respond will arise"? Trusting in mindfulness rather than thinking, "I need to control this by my standards of right and wrong."

The Simile of the Saw

I am taking you now into the Kakacupama Sutta⁶, the "Simile of the Saw." It's one of my favorites. I want to take you through it as a narrative to see that one of the aspects of loving kindness is non-ill will.

Consider the difference between trying to practice non-ill will toward everything, and trying to love everything. Trying to love everything can present challenges: "I don't know if I can love that." But asking yourself, "Can I just not hate it?" becomes much more manageable, especially with challenging people or troubling issues.

This points to a very interesting way that the Buddha taught. Many of his teachings were about not doing things, or not relating to things. He talks about "not-self." He doesn't provide some alternative to self; he just says form is not self, feeling is not self, perception is not self, mental formations are not self, consciousness is not self. And he says to practice non-ill will. Why use this negative language rather than just saying "practice love for all beings" (which he does occasionally say)?

When we look at the Four Noble Truths, the second truth is that suffering is caused by grasping, clinging, or thirst. If the Buddha says, "You should love everybody," you start trying to love people, and there is a grasping after a feeling. "I'm supposed to be more loving. I need to cultivate love." What if we flip it and say, "No, just let go"? Non-clinging is the way of freedom. Non-grasping, non-hatred, not-self, non-attachment. The Buddha's rhetorical technique of speaking in the negative mirrors the teaching itself. The path isn't about acquiring something; it is about letting go of greed, hatred, and delusion.

I find that helpful for myself. I don't always have to feel this flow of love for everybody. If I'm just not walking around projecting resentments, judgments, and anger, and when those feelings do happen, I can just let go of them—that is practicing loving kindness. I get a gold star without having to have a rainbow over my head.

The sutta starts with a story about a monk named Moliya Phagguna. (I just find that name funny. It sounds like some kind of Italian insult to me. "Phagguna already, you know?" [Laughter])

Moliya Phagguna was associating entirely too much with the bhikkhunis⁷ (nuns). This is not what you are supposed to do. Word gets back to the Buddha, so he calls Moliya Phagguna in.

"Is it true that you are associating so much with the bhikkhunis?" Phagguna wisely says, "Yes, venerable sir." The Buddha says, "Phagguna, are you not a clansman who has gone forth out of faith from the home life into homelessness?" "Yes, venerable sir." "Phagguna, it is not proper for you to associate overmuch with bhikkhunis. Therefore, if anyone speaks dispraise of those bhikkhunis in your presence, you should abandon any desires and any thoughts based on the household life. And herein you should train thus: 'My mind will be unaffected, and I shall utter no evil words. I shall abide compassionate for his welfare, with a mind of loving kindness, without inner hate.' This is how you should train, Phagguna."

The plot thickens. The Buddha continues: "If anyone gives those bhikkhunis a blow with his hand, with a clod, with a stick, or with a knife in your presence... you should train thus: 'My mind will remain unaffected...'"

This is a pretty shocking teaching. Even if someone is attacking these nuns, no thought of ill will should arise in your mind! When I was writing about this, I met with Ajahn Pasanno⁸, a senior monk in the Thai Forest tradition. I asked him, "Is this okay? Should he just be letting people do this stuff?" Ajahn Pasanno wisely replied, "Be careful how you read this. He is not saying don't do anything; he's saying don't act out of hatred. Don't get caught in hatred."

It is meant to get your attention. Nobody was actually attacking the nuns; people were just talking. Moliya Phagguna was getting angry with people who said things about the nuns, and the nuns were getting angry with people who said things about Phagguna. The Buddha is telling him to abandon worldly thoughts and maintain a mind of loving kindness without inner hate. (The bad news, which is not in the sutta, is that Moliya Phagguna eventually did return to the household lay life.)

The Buddha then gives an insight into his own experience. Realize that he had his enlightenment at 35 and taught until he was 80. In the beginning, he had five followers, and by the end, thousands. Young men would come thinking it was the "hot thing to do" to follow the big guru, but they would show up with no discipline, not following the rules, screwing around, and arguing. You see that the Buddha got frustrated. It was genuinely challenging for him.

He then tells a story set in Savatthi. There was a housewife named Mistress Vedehika who had a reputation for being gentle, meek, and peaceful. She had a maid named Kali, who was clever, nimble, and neat in her work. The maid Kali thought, "A good report about my lady has spread. But does she not show anger because it is truly absent, or is it just because my work is neat? Suppose I test my lady."

So, the maid Kali got up later in the day. Mistress Vedehika said, "Kali, what is the matter that you get up later in the day?" "Nothing is the matter, Madam." "Nothing is the matter, you wicked girl, yet you get up later in the day!" Vedehika was angry and spoke words of displeasure.

Kali thought, "My lady does not show anger, but it is actually present in her. Suppose I test my lady a little more."

Kali got up still later in the day. Vedehika again asked what was the matter. When Kali replied that nothing was the matter, Vedehika was so angry and displeased that she took a rolling pin, struck Kali on the head, and cut her. (This sounds like an old sitcom to me, but obviously, it's violent.)

With blood running from her cut head, Kali denounced her mistress to the neighbors: "See, ladies, the gentle lady's work! See the meek lady's work! How can she become angry with her only maid for getting up late and strike her with a rolling pin? Mistress Vedehika is rough, she is violent, she is merciless!"

Bhikkhu Bodhi⁹ notes in his commentary on this sutta that he can't entirely side with Kali here, as she was deliberately misbehaving. But the Buddha's point to the monks is this: Some monks are easy to get along with as long as they are getting their food, robes, medicine, and a nice place to sleep. But if they aren't getting those requisites, they act like Mistress Vedehika and start to complain. The Buddha says, no matter whether you are getting everything you want or not, you need to abide compassionate for their welfare, with a mind of loving kindness, without inner hate.

The Buddha then gives several images to illustrate how vast and unmovable our loving kindness should be. He says our loving kindness should be as deep and immeasurable as the earth—you cannot dig up all the earth. It should be as vast as space, which cannot be painted or colored. It should be like the river Ganges, or a vast body of water, which you cannot burn up.

Finally, we come to the famous line that gives the sutta its title. He says:

"Bhikkhus, even if bandits were to sever you savagely limb by limb with a two-handled saw, he who gave rise to a mind of hate toward them would not be carrying out my teaching. Herein, bhikkhus, you should train thus: 'Our minds will remain unaffected, and we shall utter no evil words; we shall abide compassionate for their welfare, with a mind of loving kindness, without inner hate. We shall abide pervading them with a mind imbued with loving kindness; and starting with them, we shall abide pervading the all-encompassing world with a mind imbued with loving kindness, abundant, exalted, immeasurable, without hostility and without ill will.' That is how you should train, bhikkhus."

He sets the bar a little higher! Hopefully, we shall never have to face that particular challenge, though people do deal with horrifying experiences, torture, and cruelty. But it truly speaks to the Buddha's devotion to non-harming, and his demand that we see clearly that anger or hatred in any form, for any reason, will only harm us.

Notice how the Buddha teaches meditation here. It isn't just about repeating phrases. It is a shift into a felt experience, where we use the imagination to visualize pervading the all-encompassing world with a mind imbued with loving kindness. The German Buddhist nun Ayya Khema¹⁰ taught this in visual ways, such as imagining a golden beam of light radiating from your heart out into the room, then the neighborhood, the state, and the world. Another student used the image of a lake of loving kindness, inviting people into the lake—first friends and family, then neighbors, then enemies, letting the lake expand to hold all beings.

Guided Meditation

Let's take a short sit for a few minutes. Let's just settle back down, as we've been talking for a while. Have a quiet sit for about ten minutes, and then we will finish the day with the Metta Sutta.

(A brief period of silent meditation is observed.)

The Karaniya Metta Sutta

Now, look at the handout for the Discourse on Loving Kindness, the Karaniya Metta Sutta. This is a copy of the Western Thai Forest monks' chanting sheet. It is a very short sutta. It doesn't have an introduction or characters like Moliya Phagguna.

The first section goes like this:

This is what should be done by one who is skilled in goodness, and who knows the path of peace: Let them be able and upright, straightforward and gentle in speech, humble and not conceited, contented and easily satisfied, unburdened with duties and frugal in their ways. Peaceful and calm and wise and skillful, not proud and demanding in nature. Let them not do the slightest thing that the wise would later reprove.

What strikes me about this opening is that it doesn't mention loving kindness or compassion. It is much more about sīla¹¹ (morality, ethics, behavior). It lays the foundation. "Straightforward and gentle in speech" relates to Right Speech. "Humble and not conceited" is about letting go of self. "Contented and easily satisfied" means not being greedy.

"Unburdened with duties" can be challenging for lay people who have jobs and families. But when I spend time around monastics, I see that they are also very busy—building projects, teaching, writing books. It doesn't say "don't have duties"; it says don't be burdened by them. That is a great challenge: how do I move through my work life engaged, but not burdened or stressed out?

"Let them not do the slightest thing that the wise would later reprove." This points to a teaching called the "Protectors of the World": hiri and ottappa¹². Hiri is your inner conscience (do I feel good about doing this?), and ottappa is a sense of social pressure or moral dread (how will this be viewed?). We need both inner and outer pressures to help us behave well.

The second section shifts into loving kindness:

Wishing: In gladness and in safety, may all beings be at ease. Whatever living beings there may be, whether they are weak or strong, omitting none, the great or the mighty, medium, short or small, the seen and the unseen, those living near and far away, those born and to be born — May all beings be at ease.

This encapsulates the typical loving kindness phrases: may you be happy (gladness), may you be safe (safety), may you be peaceful (at ease). "The seen and the unseen" likely refers to beings living in different realms of existence. "Born and to be born" refers to those who are currently alive and those in utero.

The third section is about non-ill will:

Let none deceive another, or despise any being in any state. Let none through anger or ill-will wish harm upon another.

This affirms my earlier point. The Buddha gives us both sides: wish gladness and safety upon all beings, but if you can't manage that, at least just don't deceive, despise, or wish harm upon anyone.

Then we come to one of the most famous lines in the Pali Canon:

Even as a mother protects with her life her child, her only child, so with a boundless heart should one cherish all living beings; radiating kindness over the entire world: spreading upwards to the skies, and downwards to the depths; outwards and unbounded, freed from hatred and ill-will.

I have spent some time reflecting on this line: "Even as a mother protects with her life her child, her only child." When I first encountered it, I thought of it as a gentle, embracing Mother Earth image. But notice the words: protects with her life. This love is not just affection; it is a fierce protecting quality. Parents know that love for a child isn't always expressed just by affection. Disciplining a child wisely and skillfully is a gift. Mother love is layered. It shows that loving kindness is not a practice for wimps. It's a demanding practice for challenging situations.

The phrase "upwards to the skies, and downwards to the depths" traditionally refers to heaven and hell realms. In modern psychology, we can view these as mind states. Some people live in hell realms of anger, addiction, violence, or fear. We radiate kindness to all of them, seen and unseen.

The sutta continues:

Whether standing or walking, seated or lying down, free from drowsiness, one should sustain this recollection. This is said to be the sublime abiding.

This brings in the practice of mindfulness across the four postures. We aren't just supposed to practice loving kindness in formal meditation; we should sustain it in all activities. The word "recollection" translates from sati, the same word for mindfulness. This affirms that loving kindness is not separate from mindfulness. Note also that the sutta addresses many of the hindrances: grasping ("contented"), aversion ("free from hatred"), sleepiness ("free from drowsiness"), and restlessness ("peaceful").

The final lines shift focus to Enlightenment:

By not holding to fixed views, the pure-hearted one, having clarity of vision, being freed from all sense desires, is not born again into this world.

Why does a discourse on loving kindness end with not being born again into this world? "Not holding to fixed views" removes the opinions that obscure us from seeing the truth. "Clarity of vision" is a common metaphor for spiritual awakening (Insight Meditation). "Freed from all sense desires" points to the highest stages of enlightenment, addressing the impulses that cause suffering.

"Is not born again into this world" refers to escaping the cycle of rebirth (saṃsāra¹³). Every lifetime contains dukkha. We keep being reborn because we think, "I'll get it right next time. Happiness is just out there." Once you see the truth fully and let go completely, there is no more impulse to go through it again.

In modern practical terms, we can think of "rebirth" as ego being born moment-by-moment. Every time we attach to a sense of self, we are being reborn. Every time we let go of that grasping, we are not born again, and our lives become much more comfortable. Consider those who constantly inflate their egos—like aging rock stars clinging to past fame—and the suffering it brings. Instead of being born into ego, we want to be born into the Dharma. (In the suttas, there is a character known as Migara's mother, Visakha¹⁴. She wasn't literally Migara's mother; she was his daughter-in-law, but because she introduced him to the Dharma, it was as if she gave birth to him spiritually. It was at her monastery in Savatthi where the Buddha delivered the Anapanasati Sutta¹⁵!).

Chanting the Metta Sutta

I hope you will take this as inspiration to explore and practice for yourself. Let's close by chanting the sutta together.

This is what should be done by one who is skilled in goodness, And who knows the path of peace: Let them be able and upright, Straightforward and gentle in speech, Humble and not conceited, Contented and easily satisfied, Unburdened with duties and frugal in their ways. Peaceful and calm and wise and skillful, Not proud and demanding in nature. Let them not do the slightest thing that the wise would later reprove.

Wishing: In gladness and in safety, may all beings be at ease. Whatever living beings there may be, Whether they are weak or strong, omitting none, The great or the mighty, medium, short or small, The seen and the unseen, Those living near and far away, Those born and to be born — May all beings be at ease.

Let none deceive another, or despise any being in any state. Let none through anger or ill-will wish harm upon another. Even as a mother protects with her life her child, her only child, So with a boundless heart should one cherish all living beings; Radiating kindness over the entire world: Spreading upwards to the skies, and downwards to the depths; Outwards and unbounded, freed from hatred and ill-will.

Whether standing or walking, seated or lying down, Free from drowsiness, One should sustain this recollection. This is said to be the sublime abiding.

By not holding to fixed views, The pure-hearted one, having clarity of vision, Being freed from all sense desires, Is not born again into this world.

Thank you all for coming. Thank you everyone online.