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Happy Hour: Practicing for the Sake of Myself and Others - Nikki Mirghafori

The following talk was given by Nikki Mirghafori at Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA on April 18, 2024. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.

Happy Hour: Practicing for the Sake of Myself and Others

Hello and welcome, everyone, to this edition of Happy Hour. It is lovely to be with you.

For today's practice, I wanted to bring in an idea that we often include at the end, especially when we do the dedication of merit: that we do this practice not just for our own sake. We engage in this practice of cultivating our hearts and minds towards kindness, mindfulness, awareness, and equanimity—all these beautiful qualities of the heart—not just for ourselves, but for others. We do it for those we are entangled with, those we love, those we care about—our friends, our family—and for all beings everywhere. There is a beautiful aspiration in doing it for both ourselves and for others; there is so much goodness in that.

I recently heard some research by Dr. David Yeager¹, who has done a lot of work on this. One aspect of the research shows that one way to help motivate ourselves—and especially to motivate young people—is not just the benefit they get out of it personally (for example, that they will graduate and get high-paying jobs). Rather, it is the idea that their work, their study, and their cultivation of skills is of benefit to others and to the greater good.

As I was listening to this research, I thought, "Yes, of course." His research shows that when things are tough, if we are just doing it for our own sake, the mind makes a different kind of meaning out of the challenges. We might think, "I failed." When it feels personal, just for myself, or perhaps selfish, challenges feel more difficult. Whereas if we do something that seems challenging, but it is for the sake of everyone else, there is a wholesomeness, an uprightness, and a dedication. People rise to the challenge because it is not just for themselves.

I was thinking about that in relation to our meditation practice. These are skills that we are developing not just for our own sake. Especially if things become challenging at any point in the practice, remember that we are doing this for the sake of all beings. Perhaps if we bring up the thought of people we care about and the sense of dedicating this practice to others, it will support us.

With that as a preamble, let's practice not just for our own sake, but for the sake of all whose lives ours touch, directly or indirectly.

Guided Meditation

Let's begin by arriving. Arriving in our seat, let's arrive together and settle. Allow your body to settle and allow your mind to settle. Accept this invitation to settle.

Consider this moment of settling our minds, relaxing the body, and connecting with the in-breath and the out-breath. Bring awareness and attention ever so gently, kindly, and receptively to the sensations of the breath.

What if we considered that this moment right here—not hypothetically, but this moment of receptive attention with the in-breath and out-breath—is an offering and a gift to ourselves? Feel as if we are giving ourselves a gift. This person who is me—I am giving them a gift of calming, settling, and training their mind and attention. I am giving myself a palpable gift in this moment. Keep giving yourself this gift in this moment. Really connect with the goodness of this offering to yourself, with care and with kindness.

Now, consider that this moment of connecting with your breath—attending, relaxing, and receiving the breath in the body—is also for the sake of your future self, the person you will become. Cultivating this moment of calm and kindness helps you become a better version of yourself in the future—calmer, kinder. It is for the sake of your future self whom you haven't met yet, but you like them, you appreciate them, and you want to do your best for them. You are sending a gift into the future by attending wisely and kindly to this moment's experience right here. The best way to support the future self is to stay right here, connected to this moment.

And then now, as if you are looking through the rearview mirror, offer a gift to your past self. This is a person whose efforts and challenges you know too well. Offer appreciation for everything they have done; all their perseverance and strength has supported your present self to be here right now. Give yourself to this practice in this moment as a gift and an offering to them, as a "thank you." Practice in this moment by connecting wholeheartedly with the in-breath and out-breath, bringing more dimensionality to this moment's practice. Just this one: this in-breath, this out-breath.

Now, if you would, expand this circle of care. Bring in a few beings—people, pets, animals, people from your past, people from the future, or other beings you care about. Appreciate that this moment of cultivating awareness with the breath, the body, and kindness is both for your sake and their sake. You are doing this so that you can be a kinder, gentler, wiser, calmer version of yourself for them. For the sake of the people you interact with, who you care about and who care about you, so that you can show up kindly and wisely.

Make sure that after you have evoked the sense of others, you come back to your body and your breath so that it doesn't become a thinking practice. You just evoke that this is not just for yourself, and then you come back to your body and your breath with kindness. Let others be in the wings, but not the direct focus of this practice. The centerpiece of the practice is connecting, holding, and receiving the breath in the body with gentleness, kindness, spaciousness, ease, and presence.

Expand the circle further, including all beings—past, present, and future—in all directions. In ways we don't quite appreciate or understand, our practice reverberates and impacts those we know and those we don't know. Having evoked a sense of our vast interconnection, dedicate your heart to our practice even more wholeheartedly. "This moment right here, I am practicing for all beings and for myself." Let your heart delight in the wholesomeness and the goodness of this "greater than me" sense of our personal practice.

As we bring this period of sitting to a close together, appreciate our practice for the sake of ourselves as a being who is vastly interconnected. Our life is miraculously and amazingly interconnected in speechless ways with all beings. May our practice be a support for the awakening of all beings everywhere. May all beings be happy. May all beings be free, including myself.

Thank you so much for your practice, everyone.

Discussion and Reflections

It does make a difference when we expand our perspective and really see the truth of how interconnected we are. We are not doing this practice just for our own sake. It really gives it so much beautiful dimensionality.

Participant: I have a question. You mentioned the future self and the past self. When I think about the future self, I think about what you sometimes mention—planting the seed—which gives me a sense of hope. But I'm not sure exactly what you meant by that. Also, regarding the past self, my mind still goes to the past and navigating what has happened, not always in a positive way—dealing with the traumas and challenges of the past. Planting the seed is very hopeful, but I still struggle with the past. What was the intention here, instead of going down the rabbit hole?

Nikki: That is a very good question. The big picture idea is to bring a lot more dimensionality to the practice, instead of the small self of "me in this moment." We bring dimensionality through different perspectives—not just other human beings and expanding the circle that way, but also expanding the circle of concern through the dimension of time.

The idea of our future self relates to the teaching of Karma². The appropriate, correct teaching of Karma is that this moment's actions precondition the next moment, and the next. It is actually a very empowering teaching. In that way, we can see that this moment of being mindful and kind is planting seeds for my future self. It is as if my future self is my child; I am giving them the best opportunity for kindness and equanimity by how I am in this moment.

With respect to the past, I appreciate that it can become a thinking process—getting entangled in "what did I do?" It is helpful to notice if that is happening and come out of it. Yet again, the idea there is that you are the child of this being from the past. They had hopes, dreams, and challenges, and you are their child. You can say, "Thank you, Mom; thank you, Dad." There is a wholesomeness in this moment that they can benefit from retroactively, in a holographic way. Just evoke the idea of a past self as you would evoke the idea of a parent to whom you are dedicating this moment of kindness, rather than thinking about your relationship with them. It is that kind of dedication.

Participant: Yes, very much. The last piece just brought everything together for me.

Mima: Along the same lines with the future self, I shared in my group that who I was several years ago when I joined this group, and who I am now because of Happy Hour and this sharing, has transformed me. That was who I was, and this is who I am now. I literally took it to this group today and felt, "Wow, what I did a long time ago is the fruit of it today." I am very grateful to this practice. I've learned so much from you, and I see the fruits of it now.

Nikki: Thank you, Mima. That is so beautiful. You feel the fruits of this past self who has been practicing consistently.

Serena: I want to share something that I became aware of today. We say that we do the practice for all beings, not just for ourselves. It occurred to me today that when one being comes from a place of enlightenment or reaches a certain state of being, the good karma of that being actually changes the karma of a whole bunch of other beings. The good fruits of my karma, your karma, and other people's karma actually impact other people in a good way. It automatically does so just by us being present.

Nikki: Indeed. As we shift and change so that our internal actions—actions of the mind, speech, and body—are more wholesome, it invites and encourages others. It impacts others wholesomely for them to be the better angels of themselves. Of course it does. And ditto negatively: if our thoughts, words, and physical actions are unwholesome, it brings out the worst in people. Thank you for sharing this insight.

Jerry (via Chat): What is the proper definition of karma?

Nikki: The translation is "cause and effect." The effect is the kamma-vipaka³ in Pali. Karma is often short for kamma-vipaka, which is the cause and the effect of an action in the world.

That is the proper definition, but as a teaching, it is best to think of karma as an "onward leading," a forward movement, and an empowering teaching. What I do in this moment preconditions the next moment, and the next. It is best to practice it that way, rather than backward-looking, which can be detrimental (e.g., "What did I do in my past life that I am suffering this?" or "They must deserve what they are getting").

It is very helpful to practice this as a forward, onward-leading practice. This also ties in with neuroscience research and what the Buddha taught: whatever you frequently reflect and ponder upon becomes the inclination of your mind. If you are thinking thoughts of goodwill, wholesome actions, calm, and kindness, that is how you are going to precondition yourself.

Thank you all for practicing for the benefit of not just ourselves, but all beings. May all beings everywhere be free and happy, including all beings here in this community.