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Happy Hour: Compassion for the Suffering We Cause Through Self-ing - Nikki Mirghafori

The following talk was given by Nikki Mirghafori at Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA on November 21, 2023. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.

Happy Hour: Compassion for the Suffering We Cause Through Self-ing

Introduction

So hello, and welcome everyone. Welcome to Happy Hour. Lovely to have you join from wherever in the world you are joining from. What a joy to be with you, and the hellos at the beginning always give me delight, whether you say your name and bring your voice into the space or whether you type them in chat. We're worldwide—very sweet, so many different time zones.

For today's practice, I have something in mind, but I'm going to introduce it while we're practicing together just very gently and slowly. I'll say a few words about it afterwards.

Guided Meditation

So with that, let's sit together. Let's start practicing together. Arriving into your sitting posture, whether you're sitting on a chair or a cushion. Feeling your feet on the earth. Feeling your sit bones on the chair. Feeling this body sitting, the sense of presence of this body here. This body sitting and breathing. All these various sensations—let them support and ground you in every breath.

As you start sitting in this community together, see if there's something you need to let go of first. Do you need to put down something? Some thoughts, some rumination, something from the day, this residue of emotion, perhaps entanglement with something that has happened today. Can we put it down just for a moment? You can pick it up later, but right now, can you put it down? It is possible to put it down just for this period of time, to take refuge in this practice. Yes, you can. Yes, we can. Having trust and connecting with the breath, with the body, just to settle, relinquishing everything else.

And if you try to put something down and take refuge, and somehow it's very sticky and it keeps coming back, then turn towards it fully and get to really see it in capital letters. Not losing your seat, but seeing it clearly. Maybe you're annoyed, or upset, or sad, or afraid, or whatever is arising. And then try to see the self-sense, how it relates to you, the way you think of yourself, the way you're perceived, how it might feel unjust to you, how it has to do with yourself. The self, this self-conception.

See how we feel more contracted, more tight, when the sense of self is more solid. "Me, me, me. My perspective, my thoughts, my needs." See if you can relax a little bit. Relax that. Just soften your body. Relax your body.

Maybe imagine your self-sense, the sense of this being who's you, kind of floating, being a little amorphous. Yes, there's a being here that is breathing and sensing in this moment. Just the raw sensations of feeling and touch and knowing. But can we soften? Let our identity be a bit light, a gas, or like smoke, or it's kind of light, not so substantial, not so solid. Vapor, vapor-like. Light, dissipating. Just staying with the raw sensation of breathing in, sensing, and hearing.

Feel this in-breath and out-breath. The simplicity of this moment here, without a sense of identity and story.

And can we bring a sense of kindness, compassion for this being? For this being who is me, who sometimes has this tight sense of self, this sense of identity, this clinging, this tightening around an identity or what we need or who we are. Having seen all of that, that whole gamut, how painful that is, how painful it can be. Can we have compassion? "Oh, dear heart. Dear being who is me."

As we hold this folly, this folly of sense of self that we cling around and tighten around, becoming self-righteous, holding what's called ignorance¹ in Buddhism—not knowing how much suffering it really holds, this tendency of the mind to do that. Holding it with compassion, not with judgment. Not kicking ourselves for doing this, but with compassion. "Sweetheart, this hurts. It's not helpful, and it's hard. It's painful, I know. It's okay, it's hard. I hold you with care. I hold you with compassion." This tendency of the heart and mind, let it soften some more. Let these tendencies soften some more as they're held with compassion and kindness. Compassion helps them not become so solidified.

The same way we would have compassion towards a child that throws a tantrum, causes so much harm to themselves by screaming and crying and being tight about something, about a toy. Seeing ourselves in that way with compassion. "Yes, it's okay. It hurts, not needed." And this is what children do. This is what the sense of self does.

By seeing it, holding it with compassion can soften it, loosen it, instead of adding more insult to injury, or more self-recrimination to our selfing.

And bringing kindness, compassion, like a healing salve wherever it is needed, on your own.

And can we have compassion, kindness for our self? As if you could perhaps separate out and step out of your identity, and look at your identity, the way you take yourself to be. Step out of it and have compassion for this self. This sense of selfing. "Me, my needs, my thoughts, my priorities, my, my, my." Step out of that and have compassion for it. A sense of tenderness, because someday you will step out of this. We're wearing our identities like a cloak, and we will leave them behind someday. All of us do, of course. Can you step out of it right now with your perspective and have compassion for it? "Oh, dear being who is me, who will not be someday in this way."

This perspective might help you have more compassion, hold it more lightly. It's not so solid.

As we bring this meditation to a close together, having compassion and kindness for this being who is you, who tried their best with being present, with having kindness, with seeing the sense of self and the suffering, the tightness it can bring. If any judgments are arising because you were distracted, the mind was distracted and sleepy, what not, it's okay. Let that go, because that too is part of selfing, self-judgment. It's right there, it's in the term. Let that go. Have compassion, kindness. "Self, self, self. Oh dear, dear being who is me. Ah, relax." Have lightness around it.

And may this practice we have engaged in together wholeheartedly, bringing our heart, our intentions, our goodness together, may it be a cause and condition for freedom, for happiness of all beings everywhere. May all beings be happy. May all beings be free, including myself.

Thanks, everyone. Ah, thanks for your practice.

Reflections on Selfing

The practice I invited you to consider today, after we settled a bit in the body with the breath, was to try to sit and let go. If there was something that was bothering you, you're ruminating on something that was kind of sticky, and then if that was impossible—if it was really sticky—to actually come back to it and see it very clearly. Like, really see it in large capital letters. And by the way, this is a practice you can do anytime, anytime. It's very powerful.

And then seeing how that thing that is bothering us—seeing the sense of self, seeing this sense of personality, the self-sense, the selfing. Like, "I'm annoyed this person did that because it made me look bad." Oh, look at that, I'm concerned about how I looked bad, or whatever it might be, right? Just hearing your own, seeing your own stories. We all have them, you know, no shame. It's just a part of being human. And yet, seeing how this self-sense can make us tight. It really makes our perspective really, really narrow.

And then I invited us to relax. To relax the body as a way to relax the mind. And then to relax the mind, the self-sense, like a gas, kind of let it be a little fluid, and just come to the present moment sensations. Just present moment without a sense of self, without a story really, because that's another way we can practice with this to release it. And then finally, I invited us to bring a sense of compassion and kindness for how this self-sense, the story that we make about various things, this entanglement brings suffering, makes us tight, brings more suffering. And to hold it all with kindness and compassion.

So that was kind of the arc that we did. You can see the emptiness of self in this way. It's so fluid, you know, these stories, and we can change and shift our perspective anytime.

Instructions for Small Groups

So I'd like to invite us now to engage with one another in small groups, to support each other, to explore this further. The way we're going to engage is again for our own sake. We're not speaking out loud for the benefit of others—educating them, informing them, telling them. We're just exploring for our own sake and letting them hold witness, kind, compassionate witnesses. There's a lot of value to either journaling or speaking out loud about something that you're working with, and you can offer a nugget. Let's go in reverse alphabetical order according to first name. You offer a nugget, explore for your own sake this practice tonight. Not something that happened today or yesterday or this past week, but here tonight in this practice. Or this morning, depending on your time zone.

So, exploring it. "When I explored something that I was upset about, and I saw the sense of self, what it says about me, and how I'm seen, or 'it always happens to me,' like 'me, me, me'—I saw that and I chuckled, like, 'oh, that's interesting.'" So exploring for your own sake. Or maybe, "when I relaxed my body, oh yeah, that sense of self relaxed a little bit." So exploring out loud how this practice might have worked or not. "I have no idea what she was talking about, I don't know, I was distracted the whole time, I fell asleep." That's fine too. You can explore it. And then the next person will offer one nugget. Then the next person will explore a nugget. Then it'll come back to you, you can explore some more. We'll go round and round.

And please don't ask questions. Don't direct the conversation. You are exploring for yourself. And if somebody said something you did not understand, don't ask a question. They're exploring for their own sake. It's not your duty. So be really respectful, caring for another, and just holding a compassionate presence. Not an inquisitive presence, but a compassionate, patient presence. Let yourself go. That self that wants to be seen in a particular way—can you let that go in this exchange? Trying to be seen as smart, or be seen as compassionate, just let that go. Just be. Just be. This is the supreme practice, doing that in community.

Okay, so I'm going to create this, everyone.

Q&A and Reflections

We have a few minutes for reflections or questions about this practice. What did you discover as you were practicing this during the meditation, or maybe you discovered something while you were in the small groups? I'm opening up the chat, so you're welcome to put your reflections in the chat, either to me privately, in which case I will not read your name, just your reflection, or you can put them to everyone, in which case I will read your name as well. And I see your hand, Jerry. What's up?

Jerry: Well, thank you, Nikki. It's always a pleasure to be here. I was commenting in my group that I had been away from my home doing work in the capital of Canada, Ottawa, and I was not able to be here last week, and I felt a deep longing for the nurturing that I get here. So a big shout out of thanks for that. It really was quite helpful because when you said, "just let go of whatever you're doing, just for an hour," and then you bookended it at the end with, "well, there will come a time where you let go of everything, death," it became a very powerful way of sort of—wow. I did enjoy letting go for an hour, and then I thought, really, there's nothing to hold on to. And it was quite freeing, so thank you so much.

Nikki: Ah, thank you so much for the reflections, Jerry. First, I really appreciate you speaking about the nurturing, the nourishment that Happy Hour provides for you and for so many. Thanks for naming that and bringing that into the space. And also for how the invitation to put it down for an hour, and then the reflection of "yeah, you're going to put all of this down, this personality, this being who that is you"—how that provided a sense of lightening for you. Thank you for saying that as beautifully and as clearly as you did. Beautiful transmission from your experience. Thank you, Jerry.

Let's see. Bill says, "I've been wanting to work on the I, me, mine. Really enjoyed this. Thank you, Nikki." You're welcome. This is great, Bill. I'm delighted this practice was supportive to you.

Na says, "I love the idea of identity as a coat we wear, and one that we will gently put away when the time comes." Indeed, yeah, exactly.

And then a couple more reflections, requests actually. One person says, "I struggled deeply with selfing today. I've been worrying someone will get mad at me for a mistake I made. It has been extremely painful and I wish I could just leave it behind like you said."

Interesting. To the person who wrote this, and others who this might make sense for, see this: if you're upset, if you're afraid that somebody might get mad at you, see more clearly that it has to do with this fear as perhaps a way of self-protection. Protecting this self, this identity, the way this person is seen or perceived. So try to see that. You don't have to leave it behind, because "leaving it behind" is like trying to push it away. I'm not suggesting that it becomes aversive. That's not what I'm suggesting here. I'm suggesting that you just see it clearly, that's all you do. You see it very clearly how that self-sense is stuck, is kind of the linchpin. Relax your body, not trying to push away the self-sense. It can be tricky, and yet there are ways. Gently, gently.

Another reflection: "I recently ended a long-term romantic relationship. As I navigate this major life change, I've been trying to find my independent sense of self again. How could I approach this in a Dharma²-compatible way? Is there a way to go about this kind of transition without selfing so hard?"

What a great question. You know, maybe I will use some different words. I think the "independent"—as the person who wrote this says, "trying to find your independent sense of self"—maybe what comes to me is that in the Dharma, there is a sense of, after a while when we're practicing, we become really, really mature in the Dharma and we grow a sense of trust in ourselves and trust in the Dharma. And it is said that we become independent in the Dharma. So it's not self-independence, but independent in the Dharma, which comes from a sense of self-trust, trusting in ourselves. So that's how I suggest it to the person who wrote that question—a sense of trust in yourself, a sense of care for yourself, let that land there so it doesn't feel so hard to try to come up with an "independent sense of self."

Kevin says, "There was quite a bit of selfing throughout, but coming back to the main group, I realized the final minute of discussion was so loving and wholesome. There wasn't any sense of self in that minute."

Yay! Oh, that is so beautiful. That makes me so happy because when we experience that for one minute, the sense of love and care, this expansiveness of that can be so opening and so healing. It doesn't have to be the full 30 minutes of the meditation. It's just that minute or that second when something just loosens a little bit. Thanks for that.

Fred, I see your hand.

Fred: Thank you, Nikki. I want to ask if I'm understanding correctly that there's a paradox inherent in the stepping away from the self or self-consciousness. I guess is the way I'm thinking of it. To leave a state where I'm viewing myself with any number of qualities that then have some valence in the world in terms of what other people think or what I'm thinking about it, the best route to leave that is in fact to just be in my body? The first step is just to sit in what is physically present in respirating and digesting and all of those things? I mean, it does seem paradoxical to me, but that is what you're saying, isn't it?

Nikki: That's one of the things I'm saying, exactly, Fred. That is one of the things I'm saying. So one way is to loosen that, get away from that, especially if there's proliferation. Just to come to the simplicity of bare awareness³, here and now. The breath, the sensations, just this being here. That's one of the things I'm saying, exactly.

And then there's another thing I'm also saying: when you bring a sense of compassion and kindness, instead of this self-loathing or fear or whatever it is, this tightness, that's another way to shift our perspective with a sense of self that also loosens and opens it. So there are multiple methods, but these are two I'm highlighting.

Fred: Thank you.

Nikki: Thank you, Fred. Thank you so much for helping highlight it so clearly, beautiful. So this can be a practice of a lifetime. This is a practice of a lifetime. And hopefully maybe it showed itself to you, perhaps for a millisecond, that "oh yeah, I could see this. Maybe coming to the sense of presence here can loosen the selfing a little bit." And just to say, there's nothing wrong with having a self-concept. We're not saying that here. But we're saying that when that sense of self becomes contracted, really contracted, it causes suffering. That's all we're saying here. That's the teachings.

There's so much good here. Mimo, I see your hand, and this is the last reflection we're going to take before we end.

Mimo: That really helped me, Nikki. Thank you for this evening. It helped me when you said, because it was sticky and I was laughing so hard because it wouldn't leave me alone and I couldn't let it go, but the moment you said "turn to it," I could see the self. That helped break it. The minute I turned to it, it was as if it was shattered glass, like it all—and I thought, how many times did I cause the suffering because I don't see the selfing? This is going to help me tremendously. So I want to thank you for that.

Nikki: Yay! Oh, thank you so much, Mimo. That makes me happy to no end, to hear how the insight arose for you and your beautiful description of turning towards it and seeing the selfing as shattered glass. Wow, beautiful. Getting chills as you describe it. Oh, and I see other people are smiling and happy for your insight as you're sharing it and bringing it into the space. That is so beautiful. Celebrating our insights together, this is lovely.

And Rosa says, "Wow, this evening really resonated for me. Thank you so much, Nikki."

You are so welcome. On YouTube as well joining, so thank you. Thank you, Mimo, for that beautiful reflection. What a lovely note to end on. Thank you all for your practice. May this practice support and open you, and be gentle, be kind to yourself. Not every practice lights up all the times at all times, but this is an important practice. So thank you for coming, bringing yourself, cultivating your heart for the sake of all beings everywhere. May all beings be well. May all beings be free. Thanks, everyone, and be well.